they call holidays an option for good reason

sometimes things take a little a while
tonite was meant to happen
& it made this fairly shitty week
completely ok & worthwhile

life is a movie sometimes

im in dc tomorrow
nyc sunday
& canada there after

ive never been one for new years
my own personal new years
is usually around april 10

but a few albums have really been there for me this year
so i thought id make a list
1) the gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
2) polar bear club "sometimes things just disappear"
3) dillinger four "civil war"
4) la grecia "on parallels"

ive had a year of ups & downs
but if tonites any indicator of the future
2009 should be pretty amazing

my fists in the air

telling someone who thinks they can do no wrong
exactly what theyve done wrong
is just a waste of your own breath & time
all you can do
is learn from them
& make sure you dont follow in their footsteps

ive never been one to just sit back
& let shit happen
ive made a life of calling people out
on their shit
but this time
im biting my tongue
& i can only assume
ill be tasting blood

keeping the peace
in a war torn state

ive never been
& never will be
who you need
or want me to be

ive watched the 2nd season
of how i met your mother
& am about half way done with season 3

i am not anything

its a weird feeling that comes over me
when the big blue house is empty
my bed is in the front bay window
when i lay down
the rest of the house is before me
& it feels like an infinite calm

lancaster tomorrow
im going into it with the best intentions

my music purchases have been a bit ridiculous

im ready to be traveling
this time next week
ill be in monroe new york with sara
& soon after niagra falls
& possibly toronto
its a pretty open ended trip
which is the only way i can imagine it being

im going to try & sleep some tonite
im taking the train tomorrow
& i always have mild anxiety with trains
planes buses cars are all fine
but i fucking hate trains

silence is hard to find

shorebirds "its gonna get ugly" owns

random adventures with best friends
in other peoples cars
is the best way to spend an afternoon

i need snow
& i need it now

the roommates will all be gone
by tomorrow when i wake up
& i cant decide
if im happy or sad

i cant wait for break
adventures with sara
& a roadtrip with my dad
& 4 days in lancaster
sounds like an awesome fucking time

too much caffeine in the blood stream

the semesters over
its nice but also weird
i was continuously moving for 3 weeks
& now suddenly it all comes to a dead halt

my photo final went over well
everyone liked it
i still dont

lancaster
this time next week
should be interesting
considering i wont have a car

i cant wait to be traveling

im saving this seat for you

i went to a formal last nite
having no previous knowledge of what a formal was
i agreed then realized what i had gotten myself into
i never went to a dance in high school
so i felt like this would be a learning experience
& i learned i didnt miss out on anything by not going

also when my "date" answered her door
she looked me up & down
& said
you look like the fucking unabomber
thats how i do formal i guess

it took me a while to get into the new dillinger four
but now that i am
its all i can listen to

fiddling while rome burns

im an asshole because i care
when a girl im attracted to
shows any possibility
of even coming close to reciprocating
any interest
i become an asshole
& make rude & mean comments
its my defense mechanism
to save me or her
ive yet to figure out

over winter break im going to niagra falls & florida

im trying to do a lot
& change alot

the book will hopefully be a fairly intense project
concepts
titles
inspirations
everything slowly coming together

currently listening
less than jake "in with the out crowd"

picking poisons & talking shit

i fucked up again
kind of ironic
that i realize this
while in the process
of completing a series
based on my ability
to continually destroy
any sort of relationship im in

listening:
the number twelve looks like you "mongrel"
circle takes the square "as the roots undo"
planes mistaken for stars "up in them guts"

everyones back in the house
& its really weird
i really enjoyed having the house to myself

freaks & geeks is done
it made me really nostalgic for high school
which if you know me
is a rare thing
but it laid the groundwork for some inspiration
so ill see where it takes me

lots of thinking happened over the past few days
& im really going to start trying to make some changes

you told me once i made you smile

but we both know damn well i didnt

this has been one of the best breaks ive ever had

motivational talks that last til 5 am
& commence at 7 am
are really fucking tiring
but well worth every word & minute

im half way thru watching the entire series of freaks & geeks
& it wrecks my life

my music purchases are still way out of hand

im scheming & dreaming

im looking to go to new england sometime soon
& im trying for la over spring break

currently playing
modern life is war "midnight in america"
hop along, queen ansleis "freshman year"
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them

im at that point in my life again
where im reading ridiculous amounts
of rollins & bukowski

a house is not a home

the big blue house is empty tonite
& will be til saturday or sunday
everyone went home for thanksgiving

im looking to do a new book soon
im slowly gathering inspirations
poetry/ essays/ photos/ design
hopefully a delicate combination of all of the above

its going to be nice to not see the same people
for a few days

ive been thinking a lot about next year recently
trying to figure out what im going to be doing
ive got a few ideas
but i think im going to keep them to myself

you cant let false hopes & meaning less notes get you down

my new unicorn

currently listening
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them"
braid "frame & canvas"
alkaline trio "remains"

greatness aint no race

my gaslight anthem & braid vinyl came today
things are looking up
i dont know why people kid themselves
vinyl is the only medium worthwhile

gaslight anthem has had an effect on me
not seen since give up the ghost

im excited about my new photo project
it deals with real life shit
as opposed to just being good photos

new writings in the works

my dad called me today
& asked if id want to go
on a roadtrip over winter break
in that instant
some of the pieces of life
fell into place

i wish the 59 sound would have come out
my senior year of high school
because its the perfect album
for driving around on cold winter nites
singing along with your friends
but im making the best
of sitting alone in my living room
thinking about two girls

anyone who reads this
knows ive been kinda shitty as of late
well i just found video
of the get up kids reunion
from this past weekend
& this is the capper on 3 shitty weeks

corey chris & i were talking last nite
about a girl i recently met
& corey said i should just play hard to get
& chris said what i was thinking in my head
when jordan plays hard to get
he never hears from them again

my music collection is growing
while my bank account dwindles
as sara stated last nite
music is my crack

i need out of dc soon
im trying to figure out a niagra falls trip

i want to be half the person atticus finch is

our first party went well
nothing broke
no one cried
& clean up was easy
i was surprised

last nite i made my 6th purchase
of give up the ghost "were down til were underground"

i dont know what im doing

ive been pretty miserable as of late
so i went to the record store tonite
& got 6 cds
2 records
& a 7 inch
i kill my misery with music

im counting the days til
braid /frames & canvas
& gaslight anthem /sink or swim & 59 sound
hit my doorstep

everyday it gets harder & harder to get out of bed

the big blue house is hosting a party saturday nite
i usually leave parties early
so it will be interesting to see
where i run to this time around

the last time i listened to elliotts "false cathedrals"
i was in my car
fogging the windows
with a girl who shouldnt have been talking to me
let alone making out with me

her & i dont talk anymore
& my car has since been sold
but calvary song
still makes my heart swell
& throat clench up

keep pushing on

i still cant get to sleep
& when i do its only for a short time

ive been writing in short bursts

i finished my big photo project
but i dont feel relieved at all
two more still to be finished

i hate the holidays
but im excited for xmas in the big blue house

i miss autumn in suburbia

hot water music "bleeder" at 33 rpm
is about all that gets me thru the days lately

im confused how you can share certain moments with people
fresh smiles
amazing laughs
new hope
& then just stop talking for days on end

i realized tonite that im "that guy"
when girls are talking about that bad date
when friends talk about the person who hangs around but they dont want there
when people talk about the kid who talks to much about dumb shit
im that guy

im going to talk less
do more
& be more of the person i want to be

the simplicity is beautiful

merely minutes after the results of the election were in
sirens car horns & voices
were all screaming in unison
the area in which i live
erupted with people
stopping traffic
& flooding the street
the amount of love & unity to go around was amazing
i hope it was all for good reason

certain situations lately have not been in my favor
& someone everyday since last thursday
has told me im awkward or made fun of my voice
like ive never heard either before

& proof of how fucked up i am rite now mentally
im giving away
give up the ghost "were down til were underground"
& gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
either im desperate or just a fucking moron

hot water music "bleeder"
lawrence arms "like a record player"

my beds emptier than its ever been
what the fuck am i doing wrong

recently playing
braid "lucky to be alive"
lawrence arms "oh! calcutta!"
the smiths "louder than bombs"

one thing ive never said

i cant read people for shit
i spent the nite playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk that most people
laugh at me for liking
& i realize now i should have stayed
instead i slept alone again

& finding a new job
is the shittiest thing ever

i hope this is goodbye

three things
1) i need to stop having fucked up dreams/nitemares
last nite i woke up in a panic
i dreamt that i had to move back to lancaster
& my dream consisted of me walking into my old house
& my entire family screaming at me til i woke up

2) im not going to settle this time
call me shallow
but i refuse to date a girl who wears uggs

3) fuck halloween
every halloween just reminds me of her & i
driving thru back country roads
listening to alkaline trios version of halloween
& that was the nite i should have kissed her
instead i waited another six months

all the subtle ways that weve grown apart

best friends treating you like shit
nite after nite of no sleep
family treating you with no respect
completely questioning everything youre doing at current times
making shitty money at work
completely bombing your first big project of the year
no be able to stand the general thought of people
getting caught in the rain biking home

& then theres a knock at your door
& its the mail man
with your thursday/ envy split vinyl
number 359 of 1000
with absolutely the most amazing artwork youve ever seen
& you sit in a cold house alone in the dark
& you can see it raining outside
& everything seems ok
& it seems like things may start turning around

god damn god damn god damn

im at a party
theres barely anyone there
wes eisold is playing pool in the corner
i try talking to him
but he ignores me
all of a sudden her & i are making out
soon shes crying
not like a little upset crying
but full out parents just died
emotional wreck crying
& thru stutters
& sobs
she begins to complain about him
& like in real life
i sit there
listen
& try to console her
(so continues the fucked up dreams ive been having)

last weekend i finally got a record player
so any free time ive had the past week
has been spent listening to the collection
ive had for close to 3 years
& have never had the chance to hear
we're down til were underground on vinyl
is better than anything else ive experienced
thus far in life
& gaslight anthem "59 sound" on cd
is a waste of time & money
its only worth hearing thru a record needle

as of late

music
alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
the movielife "...has a gambling problem"
saves the day "through being cool"
less than jake "anthem"
the used "the used"
cursive "ugly organ"

realizations
i hate wet paper
& wigs
tomatoes really arent that bad
i really like wearing only white t shirts

things that still surprise me but really shouldnt
i can only shower in the dark or with my eyes closed
i want what i cant have & dont want what i do have
i dont want to be in school
i cant wear only one shirt i have to wear two

walking on glass

summer before freshman year of high school i discovered the movielife
& along with give up the ghost
they got me thru my freshman year
& every girl ive tried to be with has been attatched to a movielife song
some more heavily than others
an inch or a mile
it still matters
yesterday driving home
she was scrolling thru my ipod
& put on walking on glass
& i realized how perfect it was for this girl
i just tried to help her with a project
& she wasnt comfortable with me
i left with out words
& im done
its not worth my time
ive known for a while it was worthless & pointless
but sometimes it takes a little while
but when you finally realize it
it feels like a brick hitting your chest
while some are being taken from your shoulders

were much to young of men to carry such heavy heads

formula for a new book:
visit va beach
your last time there being when you moved away
& had to leave with your dad pissed & crying
see gaslight anthem
a band who has had a major impact on your life only second to give up the ghost
at a bar with too many memories already tied to it
lay it all on the table with a girl who you know doesnt feel the same
then spend the nite holding her
while youre unable to sleep
drive home in shitty traffic
listening to everything you did in 9th grade
with the most beautiful girl asleep in the passenger seat

combined with school work my next couple weeks
are going to be
restless
stressful
& hopefully some clarity along the way

its the perfect type of nite to share a bed

as i type this the faint sound of drunks on u street
corey cleaning up my kitchen
& my roommates smoking outside
slowly seeps in thru my open window
being pushed by cold air & the coming season

never get your hopes up
it only leads to let downs

logic & dreams never seem to mix

its over before it ever begins

her & i hung out again last nite
we just layed there & talked
a few hours passed quickly
& i left
i biked around dc for close to 2 hours afterwards
i ended up falling asleep as the sun was rising

i love & hate nites like these

i working on a photo project
the final product should be amazing
if i cant actually follow thru
& get it done

all my roommates & my father are yelling at me
im pissed off
grab my shit
& leave
im walking thru the streets pissed & angry
i pass ll cool j
& he makes a joke about his "fame"
& asks if i have a minute
i tell him honestly i dont
when a friend of his comes out of nowhere
i start walking away quickly
& apologize
his friend grabs my shoulder
spins me around
& puts a gun to my forehead

i wake up in the fetal position
with the blankets wrapped so tight
around my right leg that it has no feeling
my pillows are strewn across the room
my bodies itchy & my head kills
i can barely breathe

i really miss having someone to hold at nite

im the unattractive guy with issues
& youre the girl who has yet to figure out she deserves better

monroe hips

ive made bad decisions & poor choices
but havent we all?

corey & i went for a bike ride last nite
covering a lot of dc
i found a couple spots to shoot at
which im excited about
im brainstorming a lot these days
& just hoping it gets me somewhere

im currently rereading salad days
a book that completely changed
my high school experience
& definitely set in motion where i am today
& its having the same effect on me now
as it did four years ago

i want to know why college is the only answer anyone can give me
parents friends teachers
i tell anyone i dont want to be in school
& all they say is you have to
school isnt for me
i cant do the academics i cant do the learning
the projects the everything
its not my place
photo is all i know & i cant imagine doing anything else
but being in school for it still hasnt set in
& im not sure it ever will

i watching stand by me
& i want my life to be an early 20 year olds version of this movie
i need that adventure
that search
i was talking to a friend last nite
telling her i wanted to travel
& have no commitment to anyone or anything
& she just kept telling me id eventually give in because id be lonely
& no one seems to understand
im happiest when im alone
& somewhere ive never been

about this time every year
i question everything

i need a major change
im just not sure what

partners in crime

you ditch something really good
for something you think is better
& then better turns into nothing at all

in search of augustine

this time last year i was lying in bed with a girl who meant more to me than words can express & across the room was a girl who at the time i had no idea the impact she would have on my life
as of rite now im writing a paper about hamlet while listening to thriller
this doesnt even begin to explain how weird life has been recently

you learn to swim by being thrown in the water

i feel like a waste of space
a let down to those who need me
i want to quit everything
& take that one in a million chance

like getting kicked in the teeth

it all feels weird & pointless

...that shit you heard about me
well some of its true...

i woke up this morning from a dream
about failing my photo class
because a project wasnt done
im not even a week into the semester

lifes had its weird ups & downs lately
but i was recently reminded that i still have morals
which pleasantly surprised me

i went shooting with chris & sara yesterday
it was good to get out & shoot again
photos the only thing that ive ever really known how to do

all i keep thinking about is that nite in your bed
gaslight anthem on repeat

are you here for the party?

i sit on the counter top
while you spill blood on my kitchen floor
half empty bottle
broken
a cocktail
of champagne & dna
i suture & sew
& lay the seeds
but youre soon gone
as a result of
mutual friends
not wanting us
to be in each others company

its one of those nites
when you just want to
sit with someone
& talk

but youve cut everyone
who cares about you
out of your life

im not sure whats worse
you wanting to keep me a secret
or the fact that im ok with that

my friend believes everyone can find their soulmate on craigslist
i believe everyone can find their soulmate in new york city

my house has spent the whole day playing super mario 3
tremendous amounts of cursing has ensued

i went to coney island this morning
& it was honestly the happiest ive ever been
i spent the day with matt around new york
dinner with katy & melissa
& one of the best record stores ive ever been to
today was one of the best days of my life
im sitting in an apartment in brooklyn
watching saved by the bell with melissa
im looking to do a new book soon
a photo series
& some sort of group project

la grecia & gaslight anthem are still in heavy rotation

as amazing of a time as im having
part of me still misses
those few warm summer nites

drunk on a rooftop
overlooking the district
im puking confessions
& regrets
between two parked cars i scream
"stop pretending
you even care
the least little bit about me"
we all know im at the top
of your list of
"shouldnt have fucked"
so drink your drink
& kiss the kid in the corner
ill be fine by morning

your presence lasts long after youre gone

its an interesting feeling knowing something no one else ever will

in my head im already gone

my house is amazing
chris & i decided we want to live in ikea
everythings pretty much in its place
sara moves in tomorrow
& the other chris this coming weekend
the past 4 days have been amazing
its all a blur rite now

listen to green day "stuart & the ave"

i can smell the city already

i move back to dc today
my summers been a whirlwind of everything
it started mothers day weekend
an all niter with someone ill never see again
& scattered from then til now
have been some of the best times of my life
the hes the hero sleepover at my aunts
seeing my dad for longer then a couple days at a time
getting eaten alive by mosquitoes
arguments over coffee
i cant do this summer justice
of course ive fucked up & hurt people
some of them dont even know it yet
but with the highs also come the lows
but within 12 hours ill never live in Lancaster again
& that to me trumps all

shut up & kiss me

we stutter
& slur
& spit
arguments
over coffee
a sinner preaching god
& confessing failures
to ears that couldnt care less

i move to dc friday
my rooms trashed rite now
i have way more shit than i need
my to do list seems to be getting bigger everyday

listening to pony up! & lagrecia

the greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one

broken bones & nasty cuts

i just woke up from a dream
i happened to be passing thru your town
& saw you sweeping your front porch
i turned & ran
i tripped barely half a block away
my teeth met the concrete with tremendous force
& flew out of my mouth
all the concrete in sight turned a dark red
i heard your laugh from behind me
but i couldnt bring myself to turn
& look you in the eyes

add me to your list of let downs & regrets

forget me nots

you took my guard down
brought me back to square one
i dont know what to do
think
say
feel
act
nothing

i want to breathe your breath
& taste your spit

im in dc in less than 2 weeks
& thats 2 weeks too long

(cadillacs & cigarettes)
im the best selling whore
on the worst corner in town
& while all my engagement rings
come from twenty five cent machines
at least ive got enough love to go around

you spend your whole life searching for the adult that you are
and spend the rest of it searching for the child that you were

standing in the river drowning

i love being around people who just want to have fun
i spent the morning with the girl that is my only random hook up, a crush from freshman year, & a long time friend that i rarely see. all in the name of cliff diving. no cliffs were found but that had quickly become just a side note to the adventure. sing alongs to pop punk. rope swings. im not doing any of this justice. but this morning reaffirmed my life & just added to my fuck the diagnosis/fuck the critics view. life is about fun. no drama/ no bullshit/ no cares.
its only after youve lost everything that youre free to do anything

my feet arent seeds

so continues the constant movement that is my life
in 3 weeks ill be living in a big blue house in dc
work has pretty much taken over my life
ive become friends with exs
& exs friends with each other
i never unpacked from when i left dc
ive been living out of a tupperware containter with my clothes
so im unpacking & repacking everything
i hardly see anyone anymore
& im ok with that

i guess this is growing up

thanks to a couple good friends & someone id never met
i got to shoot warped tour yesterday
i was excited
but quickly realized i wasnt 14 anymore
i saw 3 bands set your goals/ gaslight anthem/ bouncing souls
it was worth the trip to see my friends & those 3 bands alone
last time i went to warped tour was 3 summers ago
& it still was a decent line up
these days its just bad metalcore bands
& a suprising number of pop groups
i did get the new have heart tho & its beyond words in amazingness
working all day everyday til god knows when
but ill be in dc soon

i cant wait til im back in the city

ive got a love/hate relationship with philly
& and its an ever growing battle in my head
justin & i saw hot water music last nite at the troc
i passed them behind the club & was able take the above photo
we drove back & got home around 2am
i woke up this morning for work at 8
voiceless bruised ribs & ridiculously tired
but well worth it
justin & i are doing a musical project
im excited to get my words out in a different way
my time in lancaster is going quick which is good
chris is looking at apartments in dc today

icons of nothing

lancaster has been nothing more or less than i expected
working a lot
way too much time at diners
& the same half dozen people almost daily
im just kind of going thru the motions at this point
til i leave for dc
how water music & philly are this time next week
which will include 2 of my favorite people

between two cities
more than a little love is lost
we sleep in the same bed now
but its just not the same
as that first nite
i capsized the alphabet
& screamed your name
thru another cigarette sunrise
as weve learned in recent weeks
when the scrabble board spells
champagne & oral sex
its gonna be a long nite

we have our history

im back in lancaster
if you know me
you know my trips are usually confusing spontaneous & highly emotional
this one was no different
my dad & i were a mess when i left
we still havent really talked
& i have a feeling we will never talk about me leaving
of course while in dc there was an awkward party
there always seems to be at least one
philly was amazing
i saw liz
originally we were just going to have dinner
& i was going to go back to lancaster
but we ended up in rehoboth beach
we spent the nite at jess & bens from hes the hero
it was almost weird how little had changed between us
we had fun like we used to
& it was very refreshing & somewhat reassuring
i got into lancaster last nite
it used to be weird to be here
but i dont care enough anymore
im here to work & ill be gone soon enough

taking back whats mine

so continues the cycle that is my life
i feel loved wanted & comfortable in va beach
thus im leaving
i decided monday nite
& im leaving tomorrow afternoon
im going back to lancaster
via dc & philly
im going to work 2 jobs in pa
i need money bad
lancaster is my last resort
but honestly i dont care enough anymore
for there to be any drama or problems
whether with friends or family
the past 5 weeks have been amazing
sunrises on beaches
seeing hes the hero 4 times in 2 weeks
& hanging out with them a ridiculous amount
endless drives
im going to miss the beach a lot
but its time to move on
my dad isnt to happy
which is understandable
hes trying to get me to stay
but when i make a decision i dont go back on it
the new less than jake is on repeat
along with spark is a diamonds "try this on for size"
the next month or so will definitely be interesting

a young man breaking ties

sometimes in life
you have to swallow your pride
& admit defeat

forget about your petty problems

i love & hate times like these
ive been shooting bands regularly these days
& im shooting 6 shows in the next 2 weeks
hes the hero came down & played at volume last nite
& ended up spending the nite at my house
5 people id never met before 2 weeks ago
& ive seen them 4 times in those 2 weeks
& theyre already some of the best friends ive ever had
i cant find a job in va beach to save my life
ive applied everywhere
my lifes been weird lately
but thats what keeps it interesting
hot water musics in less than 3 weeks
but thats not whats on my mind
the beach sucks the drama & anxiety from life
& thats the only way i want it at this point

my heart is schizophrenic

i gave commitment a test drive
& ended up on a crash course

somewhere between happy & total fucking wreck

ive been back 48 hours & im a mess
all i can think about are 2 girls
neither of which i should be thinking about
hanging out with hes the hero & seeing chris made me want friends here even more
its going to suck leaving the beach come august
but im excited to be back in dc
phillys in a couple weeks & im looking to go to nyc sometime before school starts

i excel at quiting early & fucking up my life

a boy in transit

im only truly happy when im traveling

assateague island
rehoboth beach
salisbury maryland
leesburg virginia

all the following occured somewhere between all these places
(the following doesnt even come close to doing justice to my life since tuesday afternoon)
lay on the beach & watch as a dark starry nite becomes a beautiful sunrise
see long time friends growing up
hanging out with people youve only met once but they treat you like one of their own
have an hour phone conversation with someone you thought youd never talk to again
sit by a campfire in silence getting eaten alive by bugs
spend a sleepless nite on a beach/in a pull out bed/on the floor of a cheap hotel room/on a pull out couch
a diet consisting mostly of wawa made to order
spend another day driving endless miles
find yourself in a field taking photos for three hours with your best friend

at some point during that hour phone conversation the person on the other end asked where i was & why i hadnt found a job yet. & i got to explaining that im going to live my life before i work. when i need money ill get a job but until then im going to have the most fun i can. the next day i got a text from the same person that said "after talking last night all i want to do is quit my job" & that made my day.

another week of learning about myself & others
lifes become so much clearer in recent weeks

drunk off your kiss

some of my best friendships have been started by being drunk dialed
my last relationship was littered with drunken texts & calls
& other friends only contact me when drunk
this all means one thing
either people need to be drunk to talk to me
or for some reason being drunk reminds them of me
im not too sure either one is good

(i just cant finish what ive started)

whoa oh!

i went to salisbury md today to shoot & hang out with hes the hero. numerous people ive never met before & they accepted me as one of their own today. it was good to be around people that are just about having fun. it was definately needed. i go to assateague on wednesday & thursday im shooting hes the hero again. next couple weeks are looking pretty good.

its amazing how one photo can make it all come crashing down

a street kid out of nowhere gets a shot at the title

my shoes are sea soaked
my car sand covered
my skin sun burnt
my clothes salt stained
this is the best ive felt in years

this weekend im going to maryland to see hes the hero play twice in one day
then next week im going to maryland for a couple days
should be a good time

curb sitting in a fuck less suburbia

my minds a demolition derby
in a cul de sac
with all the street lites out

ive been to the beach everyday for the past two weeks
i saw tim barry the other nite & it was amazing
ive (re)learned alot about myself the past couple weeks
i dont want to ever depend on work i want life to come first
hopefully some trips in the next few weeks
dc philly nyc jersey shore

ps seagulls & waves are the greatest sound in the world

its over now

youll never see your wife & children again
so tell us what was going through your head
when you looked into their eyes & said
"no thanks ill take the hooker instead"

xo

sea sick yet still docked

hook up with an ex/kiss a girl youre crazy about/backstab a best friend/cut off communication with someone who cares about you so deeply that it hurts both parties/have your father be a miserable mess/fall asleep alone & wake up next to a beautiful girl wearing only underwear/be let down by your a best friend/cut off communication with someone you really care about for the chance a friend will forgive/it gets worse before its all over

ive done alot of driving & running lately
im in va beach i dont know anyone here
so theres been alot of alone time
im counting on the music to get me thru the day

the distillers "drain the blood"
the soviettes "middle of the night"
none more black "under my feet"
the gaslight anthem "we came to dance"
onelinedrawing "14 to 41"
mewithoutYou "messes of men"
sparta "air"
cursive "a gentleman caller"
olympia "chorus! chorus! chorus!"
lawrence arms "quincentuple your money"
hes the hero "four"
taking back sunday "the ballad of sal villanueva"

(she carves mayhem into her skin to warn future lovers of her effect)

you just pull the weeds out

recent events have led one thing to another & things fall apart
its all part of life
i texted gustav this morning
me: roadtrip?
gustav: where to and when?
these are the type of people i need in my life
we still dont know where to or when exactly
but were making it happen
north south west
who the fuck cares
were leaving behind the petty bullshit & the high school drama
fuck ups & mistakes
& were going to make our own fun
because no one else is going to do it for you

its amazing how when you want to forget
you cant

why oh you ay are ee kay eye el el eye en gee why oh you are es ee el ef

what do you do when greener grass turns out to be a field of weeds?

burn bridges keep warm

im in virginia beach now. my past week has been insane.
d.c. lancaster philly
youd think by now id have learned kissing girls isnt worth losing friends.
i cant put anything into words. theres so much i want to say to so many people but i dont know how to or what exactly to say.
i went down to the beach last nite & it was the most amazing thing. just the sound & air & taste & feel.
theres not much i can do or say at this point
i guess just hope for the best

fuck the diagnosis fuck the critics

every time gustav & i hang out some sort of adventure always occurs & tonite i decided we should go visit our friend taylor in southampton, a suburb of northern philly. the directions said it would take an hour & a half & if anyone knows my driving they just assume i got there in 45 minutes & they would be correct. she was thoroughly surprised & it was good to see her. taylor is one of my favorite people & last time we hung out it was brief, awkward, & under weird conditions. but tonite reminded my of the summer before my senior year when her & i basically spent all day, everyday together. we werent there long, but it was amazing. the ride home consisted of too much coffee, not enough sleep, more pop punk than anyone should ever hear, a dead deer or two & their innards & somehow talking myself out of a speeding ticket that was almost 20 over the speed limit. these are the nites i live for & im going to work towards having every nite be like this.

its amazing how life picks up when you stop caring & worrying

my head explodes from thinking too much

the past two weeks have been some of the weirdest of my life
a mix of people i should & shouldnt have seen
no longer than two days in any one bed
driving in downpour
waking up to something you know will never happen again
burning bridges because in your gut it feels rite but in your head it doesnt
hours of coffee & talk of life with the one person who shaped how you are today

one of my favorite photographers has a band & theyre amazing so please listen

im in dc tomorrow nite & va beach tuesday
im less than a week into summer & its already been insane
it will be interesting to see what the next three months bring

the end of all things

this burning in my gut
is the city getting its revenge
an abusive nine month relationship
suddenly comes to end
and now im gone and i didnt even leave a note
so where do you turn
when you need stronger drinks
but all you have before you is ocean waves
these cars keep pulsating in my veins
and my eyes are the color
of the morning sun
reflecting off of garbage cans
so let me lick the words
from the walls of you lungs
and this empty apartments
all that ive got to give

i think sometimes we arent meant to understand

flip the tape

this is for the hearts still beating

growing up i got in trouble a lot & my mom would punish me in various ways. the only punishment i remember is the first time she made me run. it was the first time i had run for something other than gym class or a sport & i fucking hated it. i made it barely a half mile, i had terrible side stitch, & i was crying. i can still picture it to this day. the next time i did something wrong she made me run again & this time it wasnt so bad. & soon i was running on my own. & now when a lot of shits going on in my life i run. & for the same reasons my mom did it, i do it, to test/punish myself. the cramping in your calves, breathing so heavy your throat hurts, sweat in your eyes. soon you lose feeling & its the best feeling in the world. everything goes away, all your failed relationships, all your school work, & all your failures & fuck ups. i cant put into words the feeling & i dont think anyone can, the only people who know the feeling are the ones who have felt it. i listen to the same playlist every time i run & tonite i finished a song early, three minutes. to some thats the length of commercials, the time to cook their microwave dinner, or even some, sex, but to me thats a half mile. & after the week ive had that three minutes was the biggest accomplishment ive had in weeks. i over came all the bullshit drama, all the fucking up, all the loss & was able to push thru & theres something to be said for that.

a week from tomorrow im done with my freshman year & thats a whole other mind fuck. this year has been interesting to say the least. of the three people that had the biggest influence on me this year, one doesnt talk to me anymore, ones leaving for new york & i cant put words to the third & i dont know if thats good or bad.

the music or the misery

the used "noise and kisses"
green day "1000 hours"
-my 8th grade g/f fell in love with me i fell in love with a band
cursive "bloody murderer"
less than jake "bad scene & a basement show"
the movielife "hey"
-it always played when we never wanted it to
brand new "guernica"
-i couldnt give her half as much as shes given me
the smiths "asleep"
-the biggest regret of my life i hurt more people then i knew possible
elliott smith "rose parade"
brand new "moshi moshi (acoustic)"
something corporate "konstantine"
bjork "joga"
modest mouse "3rd planet"
-long talks in a cold car drowning in rain
jimmy eat world "night drive"
-another person i hurt (sweetness or over could also be put in here)
blink 182 "roller coaster"
-ill never be who you need me to be
some girls "i need drugs"
the get up kids "holiday"
-part three of this tragedy
bright eyes "first day of my life"
-i knew it then
saves the day "nightingale"
polar bear club "convinced im wrong"

...& everything comes together
just to fall apart

empty bottles & bitter skies

tonite at dinner we discussed our lives after college
everyone wants to use their art to get nice houses & have families
i simply said im fine with being a server the rest of my life
if i can save & travel for a few weeks every year
i realize the degree im getting is essentially useless
i dont want to have a home family or any serious commitment
i dont know who is better off
the ones with dreams that their art will provide for them
or the ones that have lost their naivety

i complain about not having any connections
but over the past year ive burned every bridge i could
& im only now looking back
i guess this is growing up

im just a confused kid

i recently switched my major from photojournalism to fine art photo
& ive been looking at a lot of photo sites
& i really just want to get in a car with some friends & spend the next 3 months
traveling & taking pictures

the new books printed
ill be binding them all this week
because of a printing error theres only 14
6 are called for so let me know if you want one

we stood in the middle of penn ave yesterday taking pictures
interesting to say the least

trying to sort it out

this time a year ago
i was on my way to being in love
i had a job i enjoyed
friends i loved
& was barely in school
at the time i hated it
but looking back it was the best time in my life so far

now
i have no connections with anyone anymore
im considering quiting both school & work
& this summer im moving even farther away
from any resemblance of someone considered a friend

dont deny it
this cities made you
inside & out
every stuttered kiss
rooftop view
& wasted nite
but theres no more room
in the back seat
so im pumping these veins
full with nostalgia
& its a bitter taste
this was my one wish
& im taking back
every word i said
but theres a lite in a bedroom
somewhere in pennsylvania
that burnt out long ago

(... and its sometimes like it will never end)

life has been that slow downward spiral lately
this weekend was weird and tense
no sleep
long conversations
its been amazing but devastatingly terrible at the same time

the new book is getting printed tomorrow
my past 6 months put in poem form
accompanied by a photo series ive been working on
print run of 15
handsewn
possibly hardcover (if i find the time)
if you want one let me know

classes are over in less than 3 weeks
my freshman year done
ive learned so much and have had the best moments of my life
but im ready for it to be done
im ready to learn more
live other places
and keep creating

being alone so much of the time lately has made me miss people alot
i miss just laying in bed talking
i miss long drives in the middle of unbelievably humid summer nights
i miss the music
everything has a different meaning when its shared with someone else

everythings pretty (ugly)

im currently listening to nineteen songs i probably shouldnt be
i posted "the art of growing up" hoping for closure & i found none
so its back to drawing boards
at this point its being vastly edited & will probably end up in a short run of ten or fifteen hand sewn books accompanied by a recent set of photos
but this will all probably change by the end of the week so dont hold me to it

its funny
as a photographer i dont really need to make memories
they are in a way made for me
every memory i do have is attached to a photo
& the person who has had the greatest effect on me in the past 6 months
is not in a single photo
it will be interesting to see which moments become memories

better thank your lucky stars

im in virginia beach
i came down to get a job for the summer or at least thats what i told my dad
i just needed to get away from everything for a little
im living here for a month this summer & i cant wait
the air just feels different here
tonite i sat in my aunts garage drinking coffee
talking to my cousin who chain smoked & emptied a half dozen beer bottles
the sky was gorgeous & i stepped outside
the air was dense & heavy in my lungs
but was cool & ran chills down my spine
i looked through my phone book
& realized theres no one i can call anymore
theres no one in my life that i can sit on a curb
& spill everything through a speaker to
good bad indifferent
& get the same back
im the only one to blame for this

did you hear my acceptance speech?

i quit

falling in love is like nothing else; there isnt a rite or wrong way to fall in love with another person, no mathematical equation for love & the perfect relationship. emotions that i had not experienced in the years since my teenage crush. i felt suddenly & strong, for long & lingering moments, so profoundly that they hurt. I could not stop thinking about her, no matter what i did, & found it difficult even to eat or sleep properly as a result.

the new book is in the final editing stages
titled "the art of growing up"

april 10th & 11th 2 years ago my life was in upheaval & i destroyed everything i had
april 10th & 11th last year my life was in upheaval & i destroyed everything i had
april 10th & my life is in upheaval & ive recently destroyed everything i had
i guess we will see what tomorrow brings

can you miss something you never really had

i slipped out the door unnoticed
another party with too many bad situations annoying people & shitty music
the sky was the deepest red ive seen it been in a while
rain falling but not enough to make it a hassle or uncomfortable but enough to make me overly emotional (not that that takes too much these days)
walking home seeing drunken couples in love
(have i really fucked up this time)
i realized i have no connections with anyone anymore
the few i did have ive destroyed & burned every bridge in the process
i have not had a cohesive rational thought in a good few weeks
& listening to taking back sunday & saves the day till 2:30 am is not helping the situation

we will fail & fuck up til were in the grave

its one of those times in life when you tell yourself it has to get better because you dont know if you can take it getting any worse
& you tell yourself it was the rite thing because no one was happy
& you tell yourself that maybe one day youll see each other again & it will all be better & everything will work out
& you tell yourself that cutting people out of your life is ok because you fucked up
& you tell yourself you have to stay in school because you cant let your dad down
& you tell yourself that one day youll have that connection you need
& you tell yourself waking up alone isnt so bad
& you tell yourself that hating your family & your hometown is ok
& you tell yourself these lies because youre too much of a coward & hypocrite to take a risk & put your life on the line

theres a pipebomb on the dancefloor of my mind

a portrait of self destruction

latterman "water manes at the blocks end"
pinback "non-photo blue"
rainer maria "tinfoil"
the mall "dusk magnets"
xo skeletons "town crier"
comeback kid "partners in crime"
i hate sally "hannah hannah"
i am the avalanche "this is dungeon music"
hot water music "trusty chords"
the get up kids "campfire kansas"
saves the day "jessie & my whetstone"
ra ra riot "everest"
jawbreaker "bad scene everyones fault"
less than jake "escape from the a bomb house"
the promise ring "happiness is all the rage"
brand new "logan to government center"
lifetime "myself"
elliott smith "i dont think im ever gonna figure it out"
polar bear club "convinced im wrong"
the blood brothers "ambulance vs ambulance"
give up the ghost "we killed it"

us against the world

lets all just laugh at what we have become

i need a windshield built for war

polar bear clubs "sometimes things just disappear" was the soundtrack to my trip this time.
i picked it up in philly. i had a good couple days there.
lancaster consisted of screaming matches too much coffee & a nite of songs on repeat trying to stay warm.
va beach was good it was good to be with my family & my dad. it was filled with moments of striking clarity terrible grief & one beautiful moment that made my entire life worthwhile.
im back in d.c. & im a headcase. im restless & hopeless.

i love you so much its killing us both

jawbreakers "dear you" and this is hells "misfortunes" have been on repeat for a week and its my life entirely these days
im nostalgic and i hate it
i need away from everything for a little bit

break what breaks your heart

i want that connection
that person i can stay up and watch the sunrise with
that person that would lay on broken glass for me to walk across
that person you would kill anyone for
i want that best friend

friends have been scarce lately
as in pretty much none
some have stopped talking
others have become different people
and others werent good to begin with
i want to drop out and move to pdx
it costs less than 300 for a greyhound ticket across the country
spring break is coming up...

my dads moving back to va beach
which will be good for him and i both
im trying to work on a new book but its just not there
my heads a jumbled mess of words that i cant put to paper
(you are nothing to no one/stop telling yourself different)

im dying to not give up on this

theres sometimes in your life when you just need to close your eyes bite your lip & have faith that everythings going to work out.
im prepared to not see for a while & blood is somewhat of a comforting thought rite now.

be true to yourself even if it lands you in hell

i was recently back in lancaster & everytime im there someone tells me that ive changed. & for the first few months i agreed & simply accepted it. but i realized this is who ive always been, its just now im not afraid to show it. all thru high school i was to afraid to tell people what i thought or if i didnt like someone id still pretend to & ive learned its just not worth it. if i dont like someone im not going to be mean but im just not going to associate. & in class critiques if i think someones work sucks im going to tell them because they have the oppourtunity to say the same to me its just too many people are afraid to. & when i meet people im going to be honest that way if they can handle that theyll stick around. its just not worth my time to be nice to people i dont want to be around.
ive been getting restless lately. i was in jersey this past weekend. everytime im in nj i have an amazing time. im going to keep myself busy this semester because thats how i function best. i have class. im serving. im working on a new book. & im currently planning/shooting 4 potential photo series. so it should be interesting.
theres very few people that i can tolerate being around these days so im hoping to see a lot of them over the next few months.
i dont know if anyone actually reads this but ive still got a few copies of "a boy in transit" left. 2 or 3 bucks whatever you can give & if i really likely you it will most likely be free.

i used to hate...

bright eyes
the beatles
spaghetti sauce
talking on the phone
pennsylvania
boxed wine
long distance
gilmore girls
cooking
cleaning
chocolate icing
americas next top model
standing on the edges of 14 story buildings...

wake up at 5am from the noise of your neighbors tv coming thru the walls
freezing cold
your stomach in knots
the taste of vomit & beer on your tongue
a migraine worse than youve ever experienced
& have it all be ok because of that one perfect thing in your life
& then try going back to sleep
knowing that in 6 hours you will have to do one of the hardest things youve ever done in your relatively short life

theres been new starts & theyll be no sleep

this past weekend was one of the worst of my life. & to the one person who listened to me bitch endlessly & have a few minor breakdowns over the past few days, i cant thank you enough.
my nites have been sustained by coffee & the fresh prince.
it seems my life lately has been fueled by mild weeks & intensely dramatic & emotionally unnerving weekends.
nothing seemed to go well this weekend except for realizing i have the greatest family anyone could ask for. in the middle of all this catastrophe & tragedy, my aunts worried because i only own one pair of pants & she demanded we go shopping. & she basically made plans for me to visit & my cousins are coming to visit me in dc in the spring.
you have friends for when you move & you have family for when you think you cant go on any longer.
my mind is a trainwreck rite now & i have a feeling its not clearing anytime soon.
i realized recently that actual college isnt about learning, its the time in between classes that you do the real learning. death, love, tragedy, addictions, quiting, birth. these are the things that matter not some art history final or boring book report. when it comes down to it the real reason we go to college is to learn about ourselves & others emotionally, mentally, & physically.

when it all comes crashing down

ive never felt more alone.
tonite i went to dinner with aris melissa jason & melissas mom. i sat there eating my food feeling completely distant.
i just stood in the shower under flickering lite for close to an hour. the hot water knob turned all the way on & water cold enough to make ice was all that was spewed from the nozzle.
every time i eat i feel like there are razorblades in my stomach.
my sinuses are constantly congested & sore.
i havent slept for longer than 2 hours in almost a month.
my train to va beach leaves at 5pm tomorrow. im there til monday or tuesday & then i start my new job, which im dreading. the only music that makes sense rite now is give up the ghost & its competing with the coffee maker & the fresh prince of bel air.
the only person i want to be with rite now is 130 miles away & ive got a week til i see her.
the new years looking pretty bleak already but i guess we will see how shit goes.

im a wreck im a mess

i moved into my new room. & its already a tangled mess of bikes, people, clothes, boxes, books, and scattered 40s. kind of fitting to my life rite now. ive been a mess as of late. give up the ghosts on repeat. im going to see family in virginia beach this weekend, its going to be a long few days. having chris aris & jason back has been good for me. melissa comes back today & im seeing liz next weekend so life shouldnt be too bad over the next few weeks.

a house is not a home

im back in dc. my time in lancaster was short considering i was in philly for most of it, but the time i did spend there was way too long. & i cant see myself going back anytime soon, im really hoping my next visit will be next xmas.
im a mess rite now
-i cant move into my new room yet so im sleeping on my mattress in the living room because its the only place i dont wake up with a mind numbing sinus headache
-my heart is 130 miles away & its killing me
-my one friend that is here works 9-5 everyday & the rest of my friends are scattered across the northeast.
-i got a job but i cant start til later in the week which is when ill probably be going to virginia beach
-the plans for my cousins memorial/funeral are still up in the air & its finally setting in that hes gone
-ive got more shit going on in my head than i ever thought possible
while i am a mess right now im better than i would be in lancaster. i never felt comfortable there, constantly on a balance beam between just getting by & having a total meltdown. & while dc is not where ill end up living the rest of my life its where im at rite now. it definately does not feel like home but im more comfortable in a few months here than i ever was in 18 years in lancaster.
the new xiu xiu is up & its fucking incredible
top 5 albums to listen to when you feel like its all crashing down.
1) give up the ghost "were down til were undrground"
2) autopilot off "make a sound"
3) thursday "war all the time"
4) this is hell "sundowning"
5) xo skeletons "bored by heaven"
if anyones lonely and looking for a road trip come visit

it gets worse before its all over

lifes a shit storm rite now
top five things of the past three days
love
pain
sickness
death
tears
& it doesnt seem like its letting up anytime soon
this is something only give up the ghost can pull me out of
& very few people know the extent of that last statement
rwl-xo

last nite everything was rite

this weekend was a mixture of words that have never meant more, actions i never thought would happen, people i never thought i would meet, & more coffee than any one should ever have. new years was your typical new years. this weekend was amazing & i dont even know how to explain it. i just know that this is what i want from life. i woke up new years day around 7am after barely any sleep.

a dead city stretched before us
the streets are wet with last nites champagne
ill carve a halo in my ribs
to remind myself of your presence
ill carve a heart into my chest
to remind me of what you took
ill test the knife with my tongue
to repent for my sins
between an overconsumption
& a loss of blood
youll nurse both with 4 advil & a cup of coffee
& between kisses in the dark
we will set the world on fire

im back in dc in less than a week & i cant wait.