the wanderers lament

im back in dc
but not for long
im going on a short tour
with justins band
til the 8th of january
& then im trying to convince
tara to come visit
i also need to find a job
at some point

this will most likely be
the last past of the year
i was planning a round up
list of sorts
but im having trouble

i started my year in toronto
& then getting drunk for my first time
in brooklyn
a roadtrip thru the south
which was everything
i couldve hoped for
it was the summer
of camp rock
met the german kid
we drank our way
thru working 9-5
i fell in love
& broke a heart or two
new york was rough at first
but i ended up really enjoying it
melissa is by far
the best roommate ive ever had
asked out a stranger
for the first time ever
made friends
downed drinks
kissed pretty girls
all in all it was a pretty solid year
they seem to keep getting better

im pretty sure
gaslight anthem was the
background music of the year
& hot water musics "trusty chords"
was the therapy

this year im making
100 resolutions
& one of those hundred
is to not care about
the other 99

nothing ever changes

im in va beach

lancaster was lancaster
it never seems to be an easy time
while im there
its always the highest of highs
& the lowest of lows
i saw sophie for the first time
in almost 2 years
& we sat in a diner for close to 5 hours
& just talked
i saw tara
& she always makes me happy
that girl can cure cancer
with a smile
heard justins bands new album
& its of course
amazing

im starting to realize
how fucked in the head i am
im looking for people to fix my problems
& i fixate on people
like tattoo girl
& the girl i had one date with
& girls i kissed a year or more ago
& i constantly wonder
how they feel about me
but the people who
ive fucked up with
& left
i just write off
fuck self relfection

i should be all over the northeast
in the coming week
or all over the south
depending how things pan out

im ready for it to be the 26th

chris wollard & the ship theives on repeat

cut the rope

i left ny in a lurch
like i usually do
packed up
barely said bye to melissa
& was gone

the show last nite was ok
a couple friends came
which was nice
i have prints for sale
if anyones interested let me know

gustav & i
drove around tonight
blasting gaslight anthem
& ruining peoples xmass

snows already starting to lay
i love snow
but im not looking
to be stranded in lancaster

im supposed to see tara
on sunday
which i hope i do
shes one of my favorite people
ever
& i dont see/talk to her enough

justin hopefully tomorrow

i realized today
that give up the ghost
is good for me to have around
or else there would be
a lot of holes punched in walls

i guess this is goodbye

i leave ny
in 60 hours
& im sort of indifferent about it
not happy
not sad

since friday
ive been drunk off
jaeger
rum
& screwdrivers
with only enough time to sober up
before drinking again
on sunday printed my show
from 10am to 630 am
then caught a 7am bus back to ny
where i hung my show
& inhaled painted fumes for a few hours
& in all this time ive slept about 12 hours
& as harmony told me today
my body basically said
fuck you
to me today
i just ache & hurt
& a shit ton went wrong

& to top it off
the number 12 broke up

not looking forward to lancaster
or virginia beach
im just not a family person
& as much of a dick that may make me
i dont think i really care
i cant wait til i can skip
this time of year

crit tomorrow
kind of nervous

show thursday

i just kind of coasting right now

maybe half a drink more

elf was on in the background the other day
& im pretty sure i would give anything
to sing
baby its cold outside
with zooey deschanel
in the shower

new yorks coming to a close
i quit my job
my studios empty
painted
& cleaned
im going to dc early sunday morning
to print my final
i come back tuesday
crit wednesday
show thursday
& friday i leave

i made a couple really good friends here
maybe ill keep in touch
maybe not
with me you never know

im excited for dc again
but part of me wishes
it was somewhere new

man overboard

im a huge proponent of lists
always have been
what follows has been a mental list
for quite some time
but i thought id put it up
in response to saras

10 things to do everyday
1. run
2. read
3. write
4. talk to someone new
5. break glass
6. bike
7. make/ create/ find art
8. 100 push up plan
9. call a friend
10. finish something

& 5 things not to do
1. drink
2. ruin something
3. watch tv
4. apologize
5. over analyze

probably not the best info
to follow this list
but i had one to many
rum & cokes last night
& tried to hit on
probably my best friend
ive met since being here
& have no recollection
of getting home
you win some
you lose some

im skipping my last nite of work
to go see the gaslight anthem
in new jersey

& there may be a short trip to dc
before the semesters over

i need change
again

empty break down lanes

my date tonite can be summed up
by this video

so now its 2 parts tequila
2 parts mango juice
1 part caution
1 part from here to infirmary

i need to travel
i need a trip
i need the unknown

just keep fucking shit up
but you wake up tomorrow
& put one foot
in front of the other

its monday & raining

ive never actually asked a girl on a real date before

its always been friends of friends

but a girl came into my cafe

last week

& easily has the best smile ive ever seen

she walked out & i chased after her

& asked her out

we have a date tonite

& im mildly freaking out

so all thats been on my mind today

is this

one of my least favorite blink songs

but still good none the less

i spent the day in a cafe

in the east village

listening to joy division

& the smiths

with it pouring outside

oddly movie esque

the runnings been going well

im already back to the point i was in dc

next semesters going to be rigorous

i miss drinking alone

with that one record on repeat

but self control for a better me

i hope

my time in ny is almost up

& its been a really weird 4 months

if anything its reinforced

my need for change

as frequently as possible

always knew i was wrong

my only real goal when i started college
was to run a marathon before i graduated
well i havent yet
& october is my last chance
so it begins
im stopping drinking
im running again everyday
im eating better
& im going to try & train
& in october ill be running
the marine corp marathon

if you know me you know
i hate this time of year
im going to thanksgiving
with saras family
& nothing against them
but im not really thrilled
by any stretch of the mind

somehow a folgers commercial
managed to make me feel
like a shitty son/ brother

alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
if you havent listened to this album
since you were 15
then prepare to have your mind be blown

save me from myself

curvy bracket

1 part tequila

1 part vodka

1 part pineapple juice

1 part sprite

a splash of grenadine

1 nite of bad choices

& a rough morning to follow

the cold side of the bed

seems to be that way

no matter the temperature

i read moyra daveys book

notes on photography & accident

in it she states almost everything

i think/ feel about photography

thanksgivings coming up

im spending it alone

& i couldnt be more excited 

ive never been one for holidays

& this time of year is generally

pretty shitty for me mentally

i saw an olaf breuning exhibit this past week

that left me speechless

he deals a lot with text

& emotions

& economics

toby burrows series

suburbia

is right on

2 flat tires on the way to class today

& apparently i was looking rough

because some guy walked by me 

& said

someone got a little sauced last nite

my sister is turning 15 next week

& my sort of stepsister is engaged

mind fuck ensues

recently saw thank you for smoking

id like to see it again from the beginning

it was shot tremendously well

i scanned a bunch more negatives

im going to be printing 

in the next few weeks

my show is the 17th of december

& im doing a reading at dcad on the 4th

the next few weeks should be interesting

ive been running again

& trying to bike more

its been good for the mental health

alkaline trio

taking back sunday

saves the day

on repeat

she coulda raised the titanic

was shown doug aitken today

by one of my teachers

blow debris is fantastic

was also shown moyra davey

both are amazing

& are good reference points

for myself

& my work

ive been working a lot

in an effort

to keep my mind off things

& to gather some money

as i dont have a job in dc anymore

so ill need a buffer for when i return

im making a personal goal 

this weekend

to create 2 drinks

the curvy bracket

& the milemarker

spending a nite

with vices

& hopefully a friend or two

my books coming together

sort of

trying to develop another video as well

made a large photo dump

with hopefully more being posted 

in the coming days

ive been having 

fucked up dreams again

still havent figured out why

i never really listened to

the good lifes 

album of the year

before

but holy fuck

easily tim kashers best work

that & this charming man

have been on constant repeat

awesome

i want this every morning

so true

(please) dont leave me motherfucker

this past weeks been weird

i went to p.s. 1 yesterday

saw james turrels piece

meeting

& it was awe inspiring

& left my mind

a category 4 hurricane

i apparently have a weird

attraction to girls

from florida

ive been writing a lot

piecing single lines together

to some how hopefully

make some sense of this life

ive been trying to be better

better person

run more

less drinking

not going so well

i leave new york in 6 weeks

lancaster

virginia beach

then hopefully 

a far northeast tour

with sara

then sleeping on big blues couch 

for a month

the books coming along

mentally

& conceptually

images should start to be materializing

sometime

in the next week or so

its basically the same book 

i was making in july

except with a couple added examples

of my continuous

fuck up & failures

melissas out of town

the next 4 weekends

living with her has reaffirmed

how good of a friend she is

im going to miss her when i leave

but i should be used to 

leaving/ losing people

by now

a mutinied crew

of a sinking ship

lost at sea

ps a video of gaslight anthem

covering trusty chords

is enough to make you warm inside

witnessing it in person

in the dead center of the crowd

front row

pushing yourself up

over every one elses shoulders

& screaming so loud

you lose your voice in 3 minutes

is enough to change your life

so much has changed 

it seems

nothing ever changes

a few days ago

i was a 747 

hitting a bullet train

now 

im the aftermath of that

try hard not to walk away

my new video is done

a few days of no sleep

& some sweet wounds

new project is entitled

i hereby apologize for the damage done

photo portion is still in the works

i have scanning & printing to do this week

titled please dont leave me

& the third part 

is going to be a book of some sort

words images maybe some design

not sure yet

but the working title is

anyone else isnt you

basically im finally accepting 

the fact that

im an extreme codependent

with extreme commitment issues

i also recently had an ex 

tell me that

her need for therapy 

could be pinpointed to me

i figured i should start 

dealing with some shit

the damage done

i filmed a video/performance
monday nite
better results than i expected
but i have to reshoot it
tonite
ill post it this weekend sometime
hopefully

ive met a couple friends
& its been good for my mental stability

lots of inspiration as of late

its rare that i like an artists
entire body of work
but these are gorgeous

makes me miss the south

this just makes me happy

this girl comes into my cafe

i want a photo of myself
looking exactly like this

gorgeous

badass

perfection in photo form

my chemical romance
"three cheers for sweet revenge"
has been on repeat
& im strangely ok with that

work is slowly being made
crit friday
i hope i get destroyed
i seem to make better art
when no one else likes it at first

whats the fun in life
if there isnt a fight?

the chandelier swing

adding to the list of holy fuck moments

lars frederiksen of rancid

just happened to stroll into

the cafe where i work

tonight

i stood there speechless

& mumbled something of a thanks

& was in shock for a bit

& for the rest of the nite

...and out come the wolves was on repeat

its been a while 

since ive had an all niter

in the name of art

& its kind of refreshing

my mind right now

is a 747 hitting a bullet train head on

broken glass & razorwire

currently in dc

its nice to be here

but its also nice to know 

ill be leaving in a couple days

still mentally fucked

not unhappy

but also not very happy

i have midsemester crit

next week for my studio program

im going to have a few images

& hopefully a video

which by the end of the semester 

will become a 3 part series entitled

please dont leave me

comprised of 10-15 photos

a video

& a book

but we will see where this ends up

you can never say

i dont have good intentions

less than jake

dillinger four

senses fail

taking back sunday

all on repeat

basically anything 

with self deprecating lyrics

& is embarassing to tell people

you still listen to

this guy knows how to make art

im in constant search 

of something else

& i dont know if its

dedication

or stupidity

this joke isnt funny anymore

dear new york

you are a fucking shit hole cesspool

im not really sure what anyone ever saw in you

sincerely

jordan

cue less than jake "anthem"

&/or hot water music "caution"

can you unsink a ship

im starting to wonder
if theres something
seriously mentally wrong with me
the high & lows
happen so quick these days
i was extremely happy
with the last 8-10 rolls of film
that i shot
but i had 2 one on ones today
one with a critic/ teacher
& one with a visiting artist
neither went well
& so in my mind
those rolls mean nothing
theyre done & the negatives are gone
you move on i guess

im also coming to realize
just how much of a codependent i am
but also how much
of a commitment problem i have

instead of facing any of this shit
im ending my nite
with a drink in one hand
& hot water musics "caution"
lyric sheet in the other

medication

melissas 21st was today
which is bad for my wallet
& my liver

spent the day drinking
with amazing people

a few projects completely coming together

this dude knows how to take a photo

jealous

for sara

all good things must come to an end

prepare to lose a few hours

its amazing how one persons voice
can change around an entire weekend
of thinking

i shot 11 or 12 rolls of film this weekend
im bound to get something

too much caffeine

i realized three things in the past couple days

i never really liked the show friends
i didnt hate it either
but being in ny
i watch it almost every nite
it just always seems to be on
& for some reason i always decide to watch it

i will never like iphones
except for the fact
that they create awesome moments
ti laugh at while bored on the subway
you wouldnt believe
how many drunk girls
want to take goofy pictures
of their less drunk boyfriends

my love of the smiths started with a book
not an album
in 9th great i read
perks of being a wallflower
about 9 million times
& mentioned repeatedly was
the smiths "asleep"
it would still be 2 years
before i finally purchased a smiths album
my love for the smiths is completely voyeuristic
while i do enjoy them
they never had the effect on me
that they seem to have had on everyone else
but for some reason the everyone else
has a had a huge effect on me
joe menos "meat is murder"
& marc spitzs "how soon is never"
are two of my favorite books
that ive read numerous times of the years
for a 6 month period i left menos
in my bag
& would just break it out when i was bored
broadway calls does a cover of
a rush & a push & the land is ours
& everytime i listen to it
im left speechless & mildly heart broken
that they didnt just cover the album
when i listen to the smiths version
im lucky if i make it the whole way thru
i once wanted to date a girl once
because she was obsessed with the smiths
& i thought this was a good personality trait
& we spent a nite on the floor
morrissey vinyl slowly spinning around & around
i was also greatly intimidated
by a girl i go to school with
when i found out she liked morrissey
a great desire to be her friend
slowly emerged
i love books about the smiths
& covers of their songs
& their fans
way more then i will ever actually like them

2 projects in the works

already planning my trip
to germany next summer

holidays/ options

melissa & i surprised everyone in dc
took the bus down friday nite
showed up
just in time for the german kids
going away party

it was good to see everyone
& while i miss everyone a lot
im glad im in new york right now
i wasnt liking it
up until this past weekend
i realized yea dcs something to miss
but it will be there when i go back in january
but im going to live in ny once

im starting a new project
i guess not new
because its still based on
my overall sense of fucked up relationships
but i have some new ideas

i didnt get to see everyone i wanted
but ill be back in a few months

im really sick
nose is runny
throat sore
i hit my head at some point this weekend
& ive had an off & on headache since
& i cant seem to get enough sleep

wild hearts

this is crazy
this is amazing
this mans work is amazing

i scanned a bunch of negatives today
you can see them here
its amazing how fast things can turn around

im meeting with the guys of morning breath tomorrow
im hoping to do a story about them

a photo book is possibly in the works
fully dependent upon my mental state
&/or alcohol consumption
over the next few weeks

fuck art let dance

i dont know why i ever thought
i could be an artist
im a photographer at best

a perpetual limbo scene

i cant be in a healthy relationship

im a codependent to the fullest extent

some nites you say fuck it
drop everything
go home
& get drunk alone watching shitty tv
i feel like i have more of these nites
than anyone else i know

im not doing any books
no video
no installations
im just taking boring photos

if i had any balls
id drop the fuck out
this is useless

im my own fucking albatross

p.s. new york is burning

punk rock is the most amazing thing in the world
a guy came in to my cafe tonight
& i noticed he had the sabot records logo
tattooed on his inner wrist
i mentioned it
& he said his old band started it
this old band being
against me!
& hes now in a band with
blake schwarzenbach of jawbreaker
who about half an hour later
walked in & ordered a black coffee
my heart started beating faster
my palms were sweaty
i gave him coffee for free
it was the least i could do
new york totally redeemed itself
in a matter of 3 seconds

this is a total ramble
but you try collecting your thoughts
after two of your favorite musicians
just happen to walk into your place of business

im trying to make art
i cant really figure out if its happening or not

dead weight

marin & chelsea were here this past weekend
we all went to coney island
& it was crowded
& windy as fuck
but amazing
i love when you find a go0d group of friends
its just weird knowing ones 300 miles south
& the others halfway around the world

my programs started
& its mildly overwhelming
i have open range
to just make art for 4 months
should be interesting

the new polar bear club is amazing

john cusack can do no wrong

sara chris & marin are coming up this weekend
have heart blacklisted & crime in stereo
should be amazing

new books kind of happening
kind of not
hopefully done soon

blue & yellow

there are very few people in life
that you meet
& immediately know the importance
they will have on you as a person
marin falls into this category
he got off the bus last nite at 1030
& by 1045 we were in deep conversation
about music & books
& he is the only other person
ive ever met
that feels & talks about music
the way i do

chelsea comes tonite

i start my program on tuesday

& next weekend
chris sara aris & marin
are coming up
& im going to see
have heart play one of there last shows

its amazing how fast shit turns around

also if i could ever have photos of myself
turn out like these
id be a lot happier a person

you deserve much better than me

one of my favorite artists
put out a new book
& its amazing
& like usual
perfect timing

the new brand new
can only be described as stunning

im rereading klostermans
killing yourself to live

i fucked up the job i had
& am most likely going to have to find a new one
i knew it was too good to be true

im mentally fucked right now
chelseas coming to ny
this weekend
& i dont know if im ready for it

i saw lauryn yesterday
& it was fine & normal
& completely fucked
& weird
all at the same time

im biting my nails again
drinking too many black russians
& listening to
to much gaslight anthem

new york is a fucking cesspool

i cant fall asleep before 5 am
& i cant sleep past 8am

i dont miss dc
i miss the places ive never seen
states ive yet to cross
couches ive yet to sleep on

i have $19 to my name

i need away from
myself for a few days

when the good feeling dies

its weird how peoples true colors show
once youre away from them

we are all expendable

i need to be making art
im going insane

black russian
with a touch of rice milk
dont mind if i do

i want to never back go
or talk to anyone i know again

short story in the works
for my new chap book

this is growing up

i found a job in new york
in about 15 minutes
at a vegan deli/bakery/cafe
im pretty sure it cant get better than that
oh wait it does
im seeing blink 182 & taking back sunday tonite
as much as i wasnt excited about this before
im freaking the fuck out right now
new books in the works

in 2 weeks ive flown to georgia
to tell a girl ive been dating
for about a month
that i love her
gotten a job in new york
& am seeing a band
who has been one of my favorites
for the past 10 years
& has been the start of many friendships
yea its been interesting

this scam will save us all

im in my new place
in brooklyn
melissa comes tonite

i miss savannah
not only because of chelsea
but i just miss the air
& the feeling
& the emotional calm i get
in any type of beach environment

i saw chris & sara yesterday
& while i always knew
they were two of my favorite people
its true
that you never really know what you have
til its gone

i met up with a couple people
doing the same program as me
last nite
it wasnt awkward
or good
or anything really
it just kind of was

this week will hopefully
have me
finding a job
& finishing a new book

im biking to coney island
in about 15 minutes
10 miles each way
should be interesting

i found this
& this today
it seems art lately just upsets me
because i feel ill never do anything
worth viewing

no sleep til georgia

very rarely in life
do you get a glimpse of the future
like i had this past week

new art in the works

i move into my apartment tomorrow
finally

im planning on stiff drinks
& endless records
to keep me company
til melissa moves in
sometime next week

flying 700 miles
on 12 hours notice
to see someone you care about
is quite possibly
the greatest feeling in the world

dont make me dance all nite alone

+








= georgia

sometimes i really like being me

i wonder when it all starts to make sense

this shit is amazing

everyone should see this movie
& this movie
& read this book

im currently writing a few short fiction stories
& possibly a screenplay for a short movie
that id like to make this semester
or next
all of the above
obviously dealing with
heart break
alcoholism
"growing up"
& those few songs that make life ok

brooklyn on saturday

...and this is our last dance

when (if) i have a family
i want it to be exactly like melissas
they have all been insanely nice
& generous to me the past few days
& i cant put into words
how grateful of them
that i am

i saw this band tonite
& this guy read
2 of my favorite authors
i met wes eisold singer of the band above
while it was a good show
i would have much rather
seen him with give up the ghost
or some girls

i recently realized i really love architecture
& want to design my own house some day

ive started a new book again
in a completely new form
once again
ill see where it takes me

i want to start a band
that sounds like
bukowski
planes mistaken for stars
& joy division
getting in a fight
in brooklyn
beneath the L train
on a warm summer afternoon

we both know i dont deserve a thing

melissa & i found a place today
we move in the 15th

ive been moving a lot
the past few days
its been good for my mind
ive been writing a lot also

i really miss chelsea & sara
i finally got comfortable in dc
my last month there
& then im gone
but thats how life works

found out today
one of my best friends
from high school
will be in brooklyn
the same time as me

life works in weird ways

i am the avalanche
& taking back sundays "where you want to be"
describe my life completely right now

our statues will cast a shadow on this city

friday
i left sara & chelsea at the school
in a rushed goodbye
packed up
& left big blue in 15 minutes
chris & marin at the doorstep

a short stop in lancaster
i saw tara which is always good
& met old friends at the diner

saturday i dropped my stuff
at melissas house in jersey
& went to the city
i spent the day walking
saw a couple friends
& had a lot of random events
at one point i felt like i was
in the credits of a movie

i woke to black skies
& flooded gutters
walked around in the rain
for a few hours
& took the train back
to jersey

im in a weird mental state right now
im in transit
essentially homeless
& i left 3 amazing people behind in dc
i know im back in 6 months
but its a weird situation to be in

i need to start making art
ive written a lot in the past 48 hours
& taken a lot of notes

i am the avalanche on repeat

crimes

my life is in 4 boxes
sitting in the corner of my room right now
brand new is on repeat
while someone i care about
more than most things in life
is asleep next to me
& im realizing drinking alone
probably wasnt the best idea of the nite

i just had a flash back of a sunrise
on rehoboth beach
& the breakfast that followed

my place in brooklyn fell thru
again
so im dropping my shit
at melissas familys house in jersey
& just couch surfing thru new york
for the next couple weeks

my minds a tornadoe right now
i dont know how to feel
or what to think

a public speech on a public bus

i had an anxiety attack this evening
i move to brooklyn in 3 days
i have barely anything packed
i started something i cant finish
i have a migraine worse than ive had in a while
i had one to many screwdrivers
the other evening
& got in an argument
with someone i really care about
im fucking sick of working 9-5
& dealing with inconsiderate people

my minds exactly
how i would expect it to be
right now

flesh & blood

yesterday is what life is all about
marin (my german friend)
chris sara chelsea & myself
went to brunch
& did random errands
but because of the company
it was one of the best times
ive had in a while
& today sara moved to gtown u
to be an ra
& before shes done
im moving to brooklyn
& then marin goes back to germany
& its all over just like that

im cleaning out
& getting rid of 90%
of my books & cds
& if you know me
then you know
im having a terrible time

give em hell

the books on hold for the time being
i was making it
for the fact that
i was stuck in a continuous stumble
of sorts
but ive recently
fallen into something good
however i am moving to brooklyn
in 2 weeks
so we will see what happens

its amazing how certain situations
can change your understanding of things
less than jakes "hopeless case"
always seemed like a miserable
confession of fucking up
an open ended letter
stating all the reasons
its hard to wake up in the morning
but i realized the other day
its a letter to someone
who makes you feel worthy of living
no matter how bad you fuck up
or hate yourself
theyre there to help you
& love you
music is amazing sometimes

to remember or to forget

the show today was amazing
only 3 people showed up
& one of them was a kid from germany
doing an internship in dc
he will most likely be living with me
the next couple weeks
all the bands were amazing
& it was one of those
beautiful punk rock moments
we didnt have a pa
but everyone was screaming
& sweating
& sun pouring in thru the front windows
my ears are still ringing
all of them
were completely awesome guys
some of the nicest people ive ever met
& theyre now crowded
9 across
on my living room floor

i got to share a drink
with one of my oldest friends tonite
& it was awesome
& strangely fitting
& weve both come from the same background
& realized we dont need to be like others
we can do what we want
& still be us
& it was all a strangely beautiful day

my beds still prepared for two
i hope the citys treating you well

a road that never ends

ive been sharing a bed
the past few nites
& its been surprisingly nice

the books moving slower
but im getting there
its harder than you think
summing up 7 years
into 30 or so pages

pops is coming into town
tomorrow nite for dinner
& justins band will be here sunday
chris & sara are in california
til tuesday
the big blue house is empty again

hit or miss

going swimming
in the ocean
at 430 am
with some of your best friends
is one of the best things in the world

the books in the design stages
hopefully by this weekend
it will be done

im ready to be in ny
i have 4 weeks left in dc
im not trying to start anything
i cant finish
not that thats ever stopped me before

release the dogs

i found this today
& it further proves my theory
that kevin spacey can do no wrong

sara decided she was going home to ny
for a couple days
which leaves me alone in the big blue house
its equal parts awesome
& lonely

the writing of the book
has me pretty fucked up
mentally
im basically trying to condense
7 years of failed relationships
& its mildly overwhelming

possibly va beach this weekend
which would be nice

ill be sorry tomorrow

so i had one too many screwdrivers
& tried to kiss a girl
ive liked for almost two years
biked home alone
& punched two holes in the wall
& woke up with
<3 ass
on my arm
you win some
you lose some

im in a limbo state rite now
i need something
anything
to fight
to fuck
to scream
to cry
to love
to destory
to break
to create

i cant face the world anymore

im leaving dc august 1
while i know im going to miss
the big blue house
i cant fucking wait
to get the hell out

i cant say i blame you but i wish that i could

so i had one too many screwdrivers
made an ass out of myself
in front of a girl i really care about
forgot about a pint of vegan ice cream in my bag
& woke up to
what do you do when you cant stand yourself anymore
scribbled on my arm with sharpie
you win some
you lose some

a new book is in full swing
i have eight hours tomorrow
that i just plan on collecting
& scanning
& i hopefully will have it done
by the end of next weekend

taking back sunday "tell all your friends"

neverlasting

went to lancaster this past weekend
it had its highs & lows like usual
people have changed
including myself
theres no denying that time kills friendships
its just no one wants to admit it
not even a miserable bastard like myself

if you read this site you know my love of braid
bob nanna of braid has new band
& its amazing
the female vocals are such an amazing addition

the camp at corcoran that ive been organizing
for the past few weeks
started today
& it all went really well
we will see how the next 6 weeks go over

if all goes according to plan
im going to be spending
august thru january
in new york city
& ive decided to deal
almost exclusively with video

i dont know why
but im still amazed
at the way some people act
saw someone yesterday
& she said we still on for tomorrow
i said of course
i called & texted her today
no reply

alkaline trio "alkaline trio"
braid "movie music vol. 1"
gaslight anthem "sink or swim"
all on constant repeat

i lied my face off

play this album
24 hours a day
for 4 days
& then come talk to me
until then
leave me the fuck alone

name them after movie stars

recently watched
diner
& kiss kiss bang bang
both are added to my top 10 list

i want to be 20 in 1955
is that too much to ask?

i found this video at work today
& watched it at least 5 or 6 times in a row
also this video is slow at first
but the shot at 3:14 is absolutely amazing

i really want to start focusing on video
i love photography
but i want it to be an accessory in life
i dont want it to be my life

chris went to leesburg
sara was supposed to be home today
but is still in albany
aris went home with her boyfriend
mikey went home for a wedding
& everyone else is 21
ive had a lonely nite
& i have a meeting at 9 am
welcome to summer?

& lastly
it makes me sad
that shit like this
actually exists

barred for life

im going to apoligize for what follows
ive had a lot on my mind recently
& this is the dump for it
so the following will be haphazard
& long winded

i found this song the other day
fucking amazing
i lose my breathe a little
at 6:40 every time

with every blink182 video
that surfaces
i become less & less excited
about their reunion
tom still cant sing
& they just dont look like
theyre enjoying themselves

a thunderstorm everyday this week
has been pretty fucking solid

i was supposed to have
vegan meatloaf
& roasted asparagus
with a girlie tonite
but she never called
(story of my life)
so instead
i cooked for chris & tim
& watched control

with getting out of work
at 1 everyday
& not working nites & weekends
ive been cooking a lot more
& have really enjoyed it
& decided in the future
id really like to open
a vegan restaurant

ive been biking to georgetown everyday
between that
running
& other chores on the bike
im beat by the end of the nite
ive also cut all soda & coffee
from my diet

saras out of town til sunday
& chris may be leaving friday
which leaves a boring
next few days

saw the movie
wendy & lucy
the other nite
it was good
it made me really want to do a movie

once school starts again
im going to try
& really focus on
installations
& videos

the books coming together in pieces
just a lot of scraps of paper
& ideas at this point

i need out of dc soon
but i need a paycheck first

braid "frame & canvas"
modern life is war "witness"

what the fuck have you done

i want a girl thats like a taking back sunday song
or one like a nofx song
i want a relationship thats like a saves the day song
rancid or gaslight anthem work too
but i just keep finding myself in give up the ghost songs
with blood brothers girls

a weekend of highs & lows
add another name to each list
& wake up tomorrow
& keep moving forward

a book is seriously in the works
i havent felt this much need for ventilation
since february of senior year
& thats when shit collapsed
& i made a work im still proud of
which is rare for me

im extremely restless
i thought i had it worked out
a semi routine
that offered a regular smile

when you feel safest
is when you are most vulnerable

same story
different girl

my life my war

there is no greater feeling
than a good run
in a downpour

i stumbled into a semi strangers bed
& woke up infatuated

fuck complications

headached heads

i was talking with a friend the other nite
& she asked me what my ultimate career was
& i said i just wanted to wander
& i never wanted a true career
& she told me all sorts of noble careers
she is hoping to obtain
& then she said she wishes
she had the guts to not have plans or goals like me
& i said its its only cuz
i dont have the guts
to put in the commitment it takes to have a career

chris walker moved out of the big blue house
so im living in his room for the summer
a bed my desk & a stereo
thats all i need

people complain of shit
being confusing & complicated
but its only that way because you make it
& you thrive off of it
just keep life simple
go where you wanna go
do what you want
& kiss who you please
lifes to short for petty bullshit

big stuff on the horizon
a musical/ poetry/ photography release
between a fellow artist & myself
a book of collected works thus far in my life
& a hopefully a release or two from a couple bands

give up the ghost on repeat