be true to yourself even if it lands you in hell

i was recently back in lancaster & everytime im there someone tells me that ive changed. & for the first few months i agreed & simply accepted it. but i realized this is who ive always been, its just now im not afraid to show it. all thru high school i was to afraid to tell people what i thought or if i didnt like someone id still pretend to & ive learned its just not worth it. if i dont like someone im not going to be mean but im just not going to associate. & in class critiques if i think someones work sucks im going to tell them because they have the oppourtunity to say the same to me its just too many people are afraid to. & when i meet people im going to be honest that way if they can handle that theyll stick around. its just not worth my time to be nice to people i dont want to be around.
ive been getting restless lately. i was in jersey this past weekend. everytime im in nj i have an amazing time. im going to keep myself busy this semester because thats how i function best. i have class. im serving. im working on a new book. & im currently planning/shooting 4 potential photo series. so it should be interesting.
theres very few people that i can tolerate being around these days so im hoping to see a lot of them over the next few months.
i dont know if anyone actually reads this but ive still got a few copies of "a boy in transit" left. 2 or 3 bucks whatever you can give & if i really likely you it will most likely be free.

i used to hate...

bright eyes
the beatles
spaghetti sauce
talking on the phone
pennsylvania
boxed wine
long distance
gilmore girls
cooking
cleaning
chocolate icing
americas next top model
standing on the edges of 14 story buildings...

wake up at 5am from the noise of your neighbors tv coming thru the walls
freezing cold
your stomach in knots
the taste of vomit & beer on your tongue
a migraine worse than youve ever experienced
& have it all be ok because of that one perfect thing in your life
& then try going back to sleep
knowing that in 6 hours you will have to do one of the hardest things youve ever done in your relatively short life

theres been new starts & theyll be no sleep

this past weekend was one of the worst of my life. & to the one person who listened to me bitch endlessly & have a few minor breakdowns over the past few days, i cant thank you enough.
my nites have been sustained by coffee & the fresh prince.
it seems my life lately has been fueled by mild weeks & intensely dramatic & emotionally unnerving weekends.
nothing seemed to go well this weekend except for realizing i have the greatest family anyone could ask for. in the middle of all this catastrophe & tragedy, my aunts worried because i only own one pair of pants & she demanded we go shopping. & she basically made plans for me to visit & my cousins are coming to visit me in dc in the spring.
you have friends for when you move & you have family for when you think you cant go on any longer.
my mind is a trainwreck rite now & i have a feeling its not clearing anytime soon.
i realized recently that actual college isnt about learning, its the time in between classes that you do the real learning. death, love, tragedy, addictions, quiting, birth. these are the things that matter not some art history final or boring book report. when it comes down to it the real reason we go to college is to learn about ourselves & others emotionally, mentally, & physically.

when it all comes crashing down

ive never felt more alone.
tonite i went to dinner with aris melissa jason & melissas mom. i sat there eating my food feeling completely distant.
i just stood in the shower under flickering lite for close to an hour. the hot water knob turned all the way on & water cold enough to make ice was all that was spewed from the nozzle.
every time i eat i feel like there are razorblades in my stomach.
my sinuses are constantly congested & sore.
i havent slept for longer than 2 hours in almost a month.
my train to va beach leaves at 5pm tomorrow. im there til monday or tuesday & then i start my new job, which im dreading. the only music that makes sense rite now is give up the ghost & its competing with the coffee maker & the fresh prince of bel air.
the only person i want to be with rite now is 130 miles away & ive got a week til i see her.
the new years looking pretty bleak already but i guess we will see how shit goes.

im a wreck im a mess

i moved into my new room. & its already a tangled mess of bikes, people, clothes, boxes, books, and scattered 40s. kind of fitting to my life rite now. ive been a mess as of late. give up the ghosts on repeat. im going to see family in virginia beach this weekend, its going to be a long few days. having chris aris & jason back has been good for me. melissa comes back today & im seeing liz next weekend so life shouldnt be too bad over the next few weeks.

a house is not a home

im back in dc. my time in lancaster was short considering i was in philly for most of it, but the time i did spend there was way too long. & i cant see myself going back anytime soon, im really hoping my next visit will be next xmas.
im a mess rite now
-i cant move into my new room yet so im sleeping on my mattress in the living room because its the only place i dont wake up with a mind numbing sinus headache
-my heart is 130 miles away & its killing me
-my one friend that is here works 9-5 everyday & the rest of my friends are scattered across the northeast.
-i got a job but i cant start til later in the week which is when ill probably be going to virginia beach
-the plans for my cousins memorial/funeral are still up in the air & its finally setting in that hes gone
-ive got more shit going on in my head than i ever thought possible
while i am a mess right now im better than i would be in lancaster. i never felt comfortable there, constantly on a balance beam between just getting by & having a total meltdown. & while dc is not where ill end up living the rest of my life its where im at rite now. it definately does not feel like home but im more comfortable in a few months here than i ever was in 18 years in lancaster.
the new xiu xiu is up & its fucking incredible
top 5 albums to listen to when you feel like its all crashing down.
1) give up the ghost "were down til were undrground"
2) autopilot off "make a sound"
3) thursday "war all the time"
4) this is hell "sundowning"
5) xo skeletons "bored by heaven"
if anyones lonely and looking for a road trip come visit

it gets worse before its all over

lifes a shit storm rite now
top five things of the past three days
love
pain
sickness
death
tears
& it doesnt seem like its letting up anytime soon
this is something only give up the ghost can pull me out of
& very few people know the extent of that last statement
rwl-xo

last nite everything was rite

this weekend was a mixture of words that have never meant more, actions i never thought would happen, people i never thought i would meet, & more coffee than any one should ever have. new years was your typical new years. this weekend was amazing & i dont even know how to explain it. i just know that this is what i want from life. i woke up new years day around 7am after barely any sleep.

a dead city stretched before us
the streets are wet with last nites champagne
ill carve a halo in my ribs
to remind myself of your presence
ill carve a heart into my chest
to remind me of what you took
ill test the knife with my tongue
to repent for my sins
between an overconsumption
& a loss of blood
youll nurse both with 4 advil & a cup of coffee
& between kisses in the dark
we will set the world on fire

im back in dc in less than a week & i cant wait.