kiss hard on the lips & swear that this year will be better than the last

so its new years eve & i was going to do a lists post but i couldnt think of any good ones & i dont feel like it would be fitting to the past year. 2007 was an amazing year for me. ive gone thru the highest of highs & the lowest of lows. ive lost friends i never thought i would & ive made better friends than i ever thought was possible. i finished high school & got out as quick as possible & im at college & im truly happy for once & if you know me you know that thats a rare thing. ive learned a lot about myself & the people im around. ive traveled more than i thought i would & if 2008 is anything like this year its going to be amazing

all my best friends will be the death of me

xmas is over & it was 24 hours to long. im going away this weekend & it will be nice to be out of lancaster. im sick of it all, people, places, family, work, drama.
i went to breakfast with a bunch of people the other day & driving home they were blasting biggie & were all singing along & i just kind of sat there. it made me realize i never really fit in with anyone in lancaster & while there are exceptions, for the most part i never felt comfortable here or that i could be me.
im working on a book of short stories. ive had a creative burst lately. ive been writing a lot & taking a lot of notes & trying to pay attention to details in certain situations. with every passing day im learning more about the people around me who they are & what makes them tick im trying to do the same to myself.
i rediscovered the photo that made me realize i wanted photography to be more than a hobby.














this photo has such an uneasy feeling to it but not in a bad way, if that makes sense. & i dont usually strive to follow in the footsteps of other photographers but i want to be able to evoke this much emotion from my photographs. & when the image first appeared on the screen i got that same feeling in my gut that i did 2 years ago & to me thats a powerful image.
lancaster makes me stress & worry & not sleep & im fucking sick of it. im going away for a few days then im back for 2 days gone again & then its back to dc by the 7th. theres more to say & vent but im not in the mood.

if you could see inside my head maybe youd understand

-i have a fascination with cigarettes & smoking but i wouldnt smoke if my life depended on it
-im obsessed with large masses of birds
-pop punk is & will always be the greatest form of music
-i love pain & seeing how much i can endure
-friends are more important to me than anything but i break ties & lose friends consistently
-new jersey changed my life
-im vegetarian but i dislike most vegetables
-i wanted to go to college to be a writer but i hate academics & i knew id end up dropping out
-the only reason im returning for a second semester at corcoran is because i dont want to let my dad down
-i would give anything in the world to see a sunrise on a beach with a loved one
-mix tapes are the only way i can rationalize major events in my life
-ive always wanted to be in a car crash
-i want to be in a band but i have terrible stage fright
-i want to change some ones life with the things i write

last up at dawn

i will always love & miss lancaster for one reason & one reason only. it is the only place where i can enjoyably run. everyone has a vice & for me its running. i went to a counselor from the age of 4 til 17 & i was able to work thru more mentally today in 45 minutes than i ever was in 13 years of counseling. ive run in most states up & down the east coast & ive just never been able to let myself go. no matter what ive gone thru in a day or what im thinking when i run everything just goes away & its the greatest feeling in the world & its something ive only felt in lancaster & while im glad im able to let go it kills me that i cant attain this feeling anywhere else.
im going back to d.c. early. hopefully as soon after new years as possible. its weird that im rushing back, i need to keep moving & while im rushing back now, i know that the day after i graduate i will be out of d.c. i dont know where to or with who but i know ill be gone. but as for now its home to me & its where i want to be & i cant be back soon enough.

my heart strings are tied to the north bound train

Ive come to appreciate friends more than anything else in the world & this past weekend is why. Thursday was my last class for the semester & afterwards I took a greyhound to philly. I got in about 11 & wandered a cold rainy philly til about 12:30 when liz got in, because her flight was delayed. Friday jason & melissa came in & we saw the number 12 together for the 3rd time in 3 months. Ive come to love philly tremendously over the past few months thru many visits & I always have a good time. saturday morning we came to lancaster & were here til sinday morning & the less than 24 hours we were here were terrible. sunday we ended up in jersey at melissas for dinner & then I ended up in philly again last nite & took the train home early this morning. I havent even been in lancaster 12 hours & i'm so ready to be gone. I think i'm staying thru new years & then heading back to d.c. to find a job & try & set up permanence down there because this place is a shithole.
Ive started reading "killing yourself to live" again & its really freaking me the fuck out. I relate to klosterman so much & i'm just waiting to have a breakdown. Everytime i think i'm getting better something snaps me back to realize how fucked in the head i really am. When i'm with certain people i'm the happiest ive ever been & then i'm back to lancaster & it all goes away instantly.

golden days

last nite i had the brightest young things holiday party. i met a photographer who shoots for npr & i may be starting that in the new year. afterwards jason & i went to hains point & it was awe inspiring. it was foggy and theres a giant sculture of a mans body coming out of the ground & it just felt perfect. we went back this morning & afterwards we were riding & i slid on some wet leaves & the following occured. this picture doesnt do it justice. only chris and sara know how bad it realy was, seeing how sara had to cut off a piece of my skin with an exacto knife.
ive got so much work to do before i leave for philly tomorrow nite. im moving after winter break so i have to pack everything & also finish two finals. its been a good few weeks & im going to miss these people while in lancaster.

id rather die terrified than live forever

while im not religious by any stretch of the mind i am extremely faith based. ive recently put a friendship on the line & quit a job all with the hopes that every thing would turn out alright. i went into my art history final today with little to no preparation, all the while assuming id get a decent grade. i dont know if this is faith or just being a dumb ass, probably a little bit of both. ive never been the most optimistic person but ive always had hope & i think theres something to be said for that.
i think one of the reasons im so faithful is because i like not being in control. i like being thrown into a situation and trying to deal with it. which is weird because one of the reasons i dont drink is because i dont want to not be in control of my body. i like knowing me but not my situations or surroundings i guess.
im willing to risk more than most people i guess. & whatever the consequences it keeps life interesting.
im more confused than ever. ive got problems with some people because i know so much of there past & problems with others because i dont know their past at all. im dreading lancaster. ill be there in less than four days. its going to be a long month & a half.
i feel like my life has been a movie lately. drama intermixed with amazing moments with some of my best friends. driving drunk people home, them passed out in the back seat while jason and i blast blink 182 thru the stereo at 2 am. skipping class to hang out & watch movies or go thrift stores. a constant soundtrack of miserable music playing as i bike thru rainy streets narrowly escaping getting hit on a daily basis. walking to get coffee after a couple hours of sleep if youre lucky.
no matter how bad life gets these days or how fucked in the head i really am, i just have to remember that this is the happiest ive ever been & im not letting anything change that.

ex lovers & friends

theres been the highest of highs & lowest of lows lately. this past weekend i was with melissa jason chris & aris from friday at 5 til sunday at 10. it was one of the best weekends ive ever had, but in between all this my mind is slowly crashing to the ground. im not looking forward to lancaster at all. i feel like im not in control of anything & sometimes that doesnt bother me but rite now all i want is to figure shit out. nites have been spent restless & studying reflections on the ceiling & days spent staying conscious by a never ending cup of coffee. ive been carrying a journal with me and writing mostly one liners.
youre my fix, my fixation, & my fucking failure

at least when i fail you, you wont be able to say that i lied

im a poet & a lover & the leader of a lost generation
im a martyr & a saint & the downfall of civilization

my eyes are bigger than my heart

we dont know facts or pasts

they dont seem like much but this is how most of my stuff starts. three or four lines usually turns into a small books worth of writing. it will be interesting what i produce over the next few weeks, considering my current mental state & that ill be in lancaster in less than a week.
want to experience how ive felt lately?
black out while running on the treadmill.
blast "pulling teeth" while watching love actually & having a screaming match with a shitty roommate at the same time.
read letters you never sent to ex girlfriends, & still know them word for word after two years.

the ice age is coming

ive been watching love actually at least once a day for the past week, between that & a few friends, its the only thing keeping me sane. my lifes in a tail spin rite now. ive got so much inside but i cant write for some reason. there were about eight of us sitting around the other day watching a documentary about james nachtwey, an amazing war photographer. it was all photo kids & melissa broke the silence & said i think jordans the only one out of us who could be a war photographer & i asked why & she said because youre the only one stupid enough to be. & i actually took this as a compliment. as a whole i dont think people know enough about themselves & my goal is to put myself thru the most extreme conditions & to truly know the extent to which i can take my mind & my body. & so to add another thing to my ever growing list of goals, one of them is to be a war photographer at some point.
top 5 things i wish to accomplish before i die
1) visit every state, country & continent
2) go on tour with a band, hopefully somewhere in the southern united states or europe
3) be a published author
4) sky dive & bungee jump
5) be a war photographer

& for another list: top 5 things to do to keep yourself sane thru cold lonely winters
1) drink enormous amounts of coffee
2) repeatedly watch love actually
3) keep "dookie" "40 hour train back to penn" & the second half of "take off your pants & jacket" on repeat
4) reread every miserable book you read in high school ie: "love is a mixtape" "high fidelity" & "perks of being a wallflower"
5) put on another pot of coffee cuz its barely mid december

burn this mother fucker down

i woke up to it snowing today & that in & of itself made my day. but then aris decided to skip class & we holed ourselves up and watched love actually. certain things have been keeping me sane lately; love actually/pop punk/love is a mixtape/high fidelity. ive got a lot on my plate mentally these days. with every day passing, my 5 weeks in lancaster is coming closer & closer & im dreading it. ive been writing a lot, maybe a new book soon. class all day tomorrow, not looking forward to it, between the snow friends & movies today it was nice to have a little break.

f.o.d.

i know im in bad shape when ive got old school pop punk on repeat. around this time every year i hit an all time low. i cant avoid it and no matter how good im doing i just feel like shit and get depressed.
i havent remembered a dream since like 7th or 8th grade but last nite i woke up twice from nitemares. i woke up shivering and sweating and i couldnt breathe. it really scared me and im really hoping it ends soon

escape from the a-bomb house

every now and then you refind that album that was such a key part of your life. a few days ago i had itunes on shuffle & basket case came & i just kind of stopped & sat there and when it was done i played dookie on repeat for close to four hours. all i could think about was lauryn and i christmas shopping in 10th grade. & all these other memories came flooding back. today i was riding and the science of selling yourself short came on, so i listened to less than jakes "anthem" for like two hours. & all i could remember was how shitty freshman year was & how that album made it all ok. & i wonder what that album is for my life right now. my first month of school was overcome by the get up kids but i wonder if it will have the same effect in 5, 10, or 20 years.
im so confused by life right now. im indifferent and overly emotional.
i found a quote today
theres a point in your life where you get tired of chasing everyone & trying to change everything, but its not giving up... its realizing that you dont need certain people, the bullshit, & the drama they bring
& as mean as that sounds its my life right now. since leaving lancaster i've stopped talking to a lot of people & i dont feel bad about that at all. i never really liked them while i was there & now i realize i dont need them. there are a few people who i have lost in recent weeks that effect & shake my every waking moment. & they may never know that & i may never, in words, be able to describe to them how much they truly do mean to me, but thats life, i guess.
my photos are up here

we were doomed from the start

im shooting for brightest young things. ill take every opportunity i can. they can get me into shows for free & they seemed to like my work so it could be a good start on something. people here are starting to get to me. i love them all but were all getting on each others nerves but that will happen anywhere.