basketcase

i decided today
im saving for a hasselblad 503c
with the discount
its going to be roughly 3700
hopefully by the end of summer
donations are much appreciated

also green day is still to this day
one of the best bands ever

sincerely me

instead of going to a pop punk show
with a friend i havent seen in a while
i ended up making a new chap book
of recent poems & photos
edition of 10
all called for/decided for
titled please drive faster

i dont know who the fuck reads this
but if you do im assuming you know
that all my books tend be based
on a relationship thats failed
in the recent past
well this chap book
is a what the fuck am i doing
of the recent past
the relationship opportunities
that i have had
i havent wanted
& the relationship opportunities
i have wanted
i havent had the chance at

while i enjoyed making a new chap book
i still would have rather
gone to the show

in high school i made friends
zines & chap books
under the name zero zero press
& i miss sharing that creative process
so ive decided to start an all encompssing
media outlet i guess is the best term for it
no roses no skies
please drive faster
is the first title under this name
hopefully to come will be
more chap books/ zines
hopefully some real published books
& even higher hopes
of eventually putting out some records
if you want to get involved
or have anything to contribute
definitely get in touch

from this day on

i didnt think it was possible
to be let down
if you never
got your hopes up
to begin with

wash me away

i realized today
that art school
is not for people
who have a low self esteem

im questioning all sorts
of everything right now

my next four weeks
are going to be hell
i have so much to do

planning of the georgia bike trip
has begun

i just need summer

running on empty

ive decided
once i move away from a place
im never moving back

it finally hit me today
how mentally fucked up
i really am
ive left every girl ive ever been with
because id convinced myself
they were unhappy
simply for the fact
that i personally
couldnt believe
that there was any way
they could be happy with me

theres a three girls
that i still think about on a daily basis
& only reason why
(most likely)
is because i never got the chance with them
& i continuously wonder
if one of them was maybe

if i know i end
everything i start
why am i continuously searching
for new beginnings?

play none more black "this is satire"
& mewithoutYou "brother, sister"
simultaneously
at incredibly loud decibels
& youll understand
my mental & physical state
of the past week

please drive faster

anything easy
isnt worth having

projects are brewing
my photo final will hopefully
be a photo/video/ installation piece

i finally realized why i love pop punk
its fucking amazing to run to

who knew the girl from xiu xiu
was so fucking gorgeous
& being in xiu xiu
doesnt hurt either

steve & i had another good
few hour conversation tonite after work
hes slowly become one of my best friends
& i only see him at work
& hes 7 years older then me
but he helps me sort out
all the fucked up shit in my head

got a text a from a friend the other nite
new found glory & set your goals in baltimore
how else can you respond to a text like that
except with
fuck yea

knowing that one day
ill be able to drive around again
listening to gaslight anthem
& insane volumes
makes me sleep easy at nite

no roses no skies

ive slept about 4 hours
in the past 55
some how im still functioning
it was to finish up a project
& it was completely worth it
maybe a new direction
i guess i will find out

ran into an
acquaintance/ huge crush today
& it just made me lonely
i wanted to talk to her
& ask her to hang out
instead i mumbled & stuttered
a few meaningless words/ phrases
she has a life & possibly person she likes
while i spend my days
mindfucking myself
& my nites not sleeping
in order to make art

you win some
you lose some

wishful puppeteer

ive been kicking my own ass
with projects lately
a couple installations
a video & sound piece
if you can keep your head
everything will work out

allergy season is here in full swing

i decided today
im enjoying the vegan thing
its been like 2 months now
& its going well
vegan pancakes
are the best thing to wake up to
& vegan chicken salad
is pretty good as well

well things are good
my mind is still
a wrecking ball
out of control

ps if you dont like the lawrence arms
i cant be your friend

its over im gone

i want to quit everything
move to kansas
& be a post man
live in a tiny house by myself
& watch the sunset every nite
over empty midwest fields

in search of augustine

sometime in high school
maybe junior year
i developed in my mind
exactly the type of girl
that i want to be with
personality look attitude
everything
the problem thus far
isnt that i havent found this girl
its that when i do
shes going to be way out of my league
& want absolutely nothing to do with me

still trying to change

listen to this band

ive decided im going to start posting
more of my photo projects on here
i know no one reads this
but it helps me sort shit out

wash me away

lets place a pipebomb
in the middle of everything you know
& count to three

a high school crush
& a present day mind fuck
have been equally eating me alive
& slowly birthing ideas
worth the headaches?

im reading at plan b tomorrow
i have nothing new since the last reading
so it looks like all ill be doing tomorrow
is writing

our arms will sing

im restless
i wanna create something amazing
i wanna make something new
something worthwhile

the weekend ended up being not so bad
driving home from gaslight anthem
kelly in the passenger seat
a dense layer of fog covering everything
was better than the actual show
skipping work yesterday to be around friends
was completely worth any repercussions
heart to hearts with best friends
are still one of my favorite ways
to spend time

irony is crying

you win some
you lose some

because of a few events
my weekend has turned into
one nite
im seeing gaslight anthem saturday
number 12 & converge are out of the picture
which this will be the third time
for each band
of me planing on seeing them
even having tickets
& missing the show for one reason or another

braids been on repeat for about two weeks now

im trying to change
i really fucking am

sleep it off

i dont know why i actually think
people would want to be around me
i dont even want to be around myself
after any conversation i have
i usually regret about 90% of what i said
none of my stories
are entertaining funny or even unique
theyre all selfish
& mind numbingly boring
i fixate on people ill never have
& in all honsety probably dont actually want

in other news
i wrote a new poem for a school thing
& i really like it so i thought id share

please drive faster

a pokerfaced wet dream
in the back of a car
heading south
fingers & wrists
square knotted
brainstorming
migraine hurricanes
of daydreams
punch drunk
horizon bound
between clotheslines
& closed blinds
aspirations
of sleeping with the prom queen
from community college
were comparing purchases
with the homeless
in drug store parking lots
stitching our names
to the wings
of paper planes
with noses bent
& broken
headed
for a virgins bed frame
sheets freshly unstitched
kissing in ways
that make a teen seamstress blush
a bloody mess
of alcohol & bathroom stalls
shes cussing & cursing the nite
swearing she will swear off regret in the morning
if i had the chance
id be the mississippi
bisecting lovers
apartments
as organs
have you ever heard
a song
so sad
torn telephone wires
encircling raw knuckles
id splice every connection
with yellowing teeth
ive got the keys to the car
but im gonna keep us in park

please drive faster

another 1000+ mile trip
5 nites of concrete floors
meeting more of saras friends
than ive had friends in life thus far
blink 182 mark tom travis show on repeat
& just trying to fucking figure shit out

boston was amazing
but cant imagine living there
worcester was scary
sunset on the beach in cape cod
surrounded by seagulls
made the entire trip worthwhile
albany was cold & kinda shitty
& i always enjoy brooklyn

been in contact
with a few people in the past week
who i shouldnt have been
&/or never thought i would be again

dinner with my mom in manhattan
she got drunk on wine
& i told her everything
ive held in for the past 18 years
i thought she took it well
til she started crying

i leave for nyc thursday nite
the number 12 in nj friday nite
gaslight anthem in philly saturday nite
& converge in philly sunday nite

this past week just reassured in me
the fact that i never want a real job
& i wanna see anything & everything
& go everywhere

fuck the diagnosis
fuck the critics

i keep you around to remind myself what i never want to become

i can let most shit roll off my back
& i dont really give a fuck
but two people in this world
really know how to piss me off
& always do
& its two people
who you would think
the last thing theyd want to do
is piss me off

boysetsfire "rookie"
coming on shuffle
when you hate the world
is called bittersweet justice
adventure ensues
at 3 pm est tomorrow

i want a partner in a crime

feels like your choking me

i was recently talking with someone
who said that they hated
the getting to know you parts of relationships
the in between so to speak
& it finally dawned on me
thats the only part i do like
those first stories that you know
theyve only previously shared
with a hand full of people
the first nite spent at that persons place
trying to keep comfortable for eight hours
in a twin bed
in the early days of a humid september
clammy skin sticking to clammy skin
sharing songs
& movies
& books
& all niters just spilling it all
& thats where it ends for me
after a few sleep overs
a few all nite no punches pulled conversations
a shared speechless moment during that one song
& then i lose it
the thought of actually dating this person
& having it maybe last even a little bit
any routine or obligation
completely kills it for me
but by cutting these things short
before they even start
im continuously plagued
thinking of what
couldve & wouldve been

kiss it to death

a pocket full of "fuck you toos"
& a voice thats dead on arrival
im sleeping with movie stars
for the chance of being
remembered in the books of history

allergy season has begun

braid is one of the greatest bands of all time

best friends
long drives
& good music
can make every shitty thing in life
completely disappear

one day at a time

at some point in 10th grade
i wrote a poem titled b-side
which started with the lines

i want everything
i dont have
& everything i have
i dont want

you would think some four years later
that something in my life would have changed
but thats where youre wrong

i still have zero motivation for school
i dont want to be here
& i have no project ideas

sara & i are going to boston for spring break
ive never been
& she has friends there

im focused on ghosts of the past
inconsiderate of fresh hearts
& damning the future

its a nite when you put gaslight anthem on repeat
& hope you can get some sleep

if we never meet again it would be to soon

i wanna create something worth while
change some high school fuckers life

i fucking hate art school

cuttin teeth cuttin ties

another project done
& still the only thing i can think
is that i dont want to be here
with every project i think it will change
but it never does

ive stopped talking to a lot of people
& i am completely satisfied
with knowing i will never
see or speak to those people again

maybe all this is because
ive been reading bukowski lately

& i whole heartedly believe
that thursdays new album
has changed the face of the planet

nuns with vices

so if all works out
i will be in portland oregon
from august til december of this year
it will give me a chance
to get away from
everyone & everything

thursday "common existence" is still in heavy rotation

the knife

what do you do
when you finally realize
youre the type of person
that you hate

feed the fire

im fine with cutting people out of my life
but theres still those few people
that i wake up
thinking about every morning
it hurts the same everyday

to those i hurt
im sorry

deftones "white pony"

& the people sang

ive been writing more
i read at transformer gallery last nite
& it went over well
hopefully i can read more often
in the not to distant future

my ipod had a seizure yesterday morning
im freaking out a little with out it

the new thursday album is amazing

life rite now is very similar
to the good lifes "album of the year"
the only thing is
the song doesnt have a happy ending
& the part of that that worries me
is the fact that i cant decide
if thats good or bad

ugly valentine

getting your hopes up
is worse than sleeping alone

im a wreck im a mess

a guy i work with
& i talked for a while
after work tonite
& i realized ive got alot
of fucked up social problems

my dads coming thursday
& bethany friday
should be an interesting week

i cant open up

looks like i lost the eagerness first

sometimes its ok to hate yourself

bayside & black flag on heavy rotation

im looking to go camping over spring break
possibly north carolina
florida
or northern pa

a sign there may actually be a god?

blink 182 is back together
& planning a summer album

finish it

ive been missing va beach & my dad a lot lately

since monday at 6
life has been highs & lows
with no middle ground whatsoever

thursdays new album is on constant repeat
& it destroys anything
youve ever heard or felt before

i finally found someone who is as eager as i am
but now im nervous
because i know how quickly
that eagerness can fade

every dog has its day

new loves
new fights
fresh drinks
fresh lips

when you go to bed before 4 am
you just arent having fun

my fever is gone & so are you

friday march 27
the number 12 looks like you
south hackensack new jersey

saturday march 28
gaslight anthem
troc philly

sunday march 29
converge
unitarian church philly

quite possibly the best weekend of my life

not if but when

new book
ten photos
ten poems
each photo/poem
based on a past
failed relationship
friend &/or lover
print edition of ten
full color
hand sewn
just another step
in digging yourself out
of a self dug grave

i need to feel you near me

i just want to live by myself
in some little midwest town
in a studio apartment
my mattress on the floor
record player in the corner
& bookshelves against the wall
& i want to be a waiter
& live a quiet life
& not no anyone
or form any connections

who are you kidding

i cant relate to a middle class white girl
who likes the same shit as me
& is going to college also

let alone a girl born in ethiopia
living in america
working for a living
to pay for food & shelter

i saw my future this past week
i worked everyday 11am to 11 pm
came home
passed out
& went back to work the next morning
it wasnt so bad

do we go on alone?

its one of those nites
when you say fuck it
& just give up

im down for whatever

i realized recently
how much music completely effects my life

im still caught up over a girl
(who wants nothing to do with me)
because we spent a nite
lying on her living room floor
playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk music
that normally gets us laughed at

i have a mix i made
march of last year
that i still listen to frequently
& i remember the girl i made it for
& the girl i made it because of it
& the endless nites i spent running
in dc/ pa/ & virginia beach
listening to it

& ive come to terms
in the past couple weeks
that i really hurt someone
& i saw the person tonite
& its the same awkward situation
ive been in a million times
except on the otherside
& i didnt know what to do or say
so i biked home
& laid in bed & listened
to the get up kids
& while this doesnt make the situation
any different
it brings a certain level of personal contentness

a boy trapped in the body of a man

restless
unmotivated
confused
hypocritical
repressed
rude
pissed
static

ive been back three days
& im done
i was excited to be back in dc
that feelings gone
i need to wake to snow storms in rochester
seagulls in brooklyn
a different sleeping situation every nite
i need to meet someone new
i was talked into having dinner tonite
with someone i dont really want to see again

i buzzed my head
hoping the change would bring
some level of comfort
fail

fuck dc during inauguration
half the cities
closed down or blocked off
& cops are douche bags

paranoid about a fuck me dress

im back in dc
while the trip was amazing
its good to be back
but i have a feeling
this state of contention
wont last long

the florida trips off
the funds arent there
on my or my fathers side

im working on changing
i dont like a lot about myself
& i have the power to change
so im going to

i traveled almost two thousand miles
in two weeks
hopefully spring break will see just as many miles

they call holidays an option for good reason

sometimes things take a little a while
tonite was meant to happen
& it made this fairly shitty week
completely ok & worthwhile

life is a movie sometimes

im in dc tomorrow
nyc sunday
& canada there after

ive never been one for new years
my own personal new years
is usually around april 10

but a few albums have really been there for me this year
so i thought id make a list
1) the gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
2) polar bear club "sometimes things just disappear"
3) dillinger four "civil war"
4) la grecia "on parallels"

ive had a year of ups & downs
but if tonites any indicator of the future
2009 should be pretty amazing

my fists in the air

telling someone who thinks they can do no wrong
exactly what theyve done wrong
is just a waste of your own breath & time
all you can do
is learn from them
& make sure you dont follow in their footsteps

ive never been one to just sit back
& let shit happen
ive made a life of calling people out
on their shit
but this time
im biting my tongue
& i can only assume
ill be tasting blood

keeping the peace
in a war torn state

ive never been
& never will be
who you need
or want me to be

ive watched the 2nd season
of how i met your mother
& am about half way done with season 3

i am not anything

its a weird feeling that comes over me
when the big blue house is empty
my bed is in the front bay window
when i lay down
the rest of the house is before me
& it feels like an infinite calm

lancaster tomorrow
im going into it with the best intentions

my music purchases have been a bit ridiculous

im ready to be traveling
this time next week
ill be in monroe new york with sara
& soon after niagra falls
& possibly toronto
its a pretty open ended trip
which is the only way i can imagine it being

im going to try & sleep some tonite
im taking the train tomorrow
& i always have mild anxiety with trains
planes buses cars are all fine
but i fucking hate trains

silence is hard to find

shorebirds "its gonna get ugly" owns

random adventures with best friends
in other peoples cars
is the best way to spend an afternoon

i need snow
& i need it now

the roommates will all be gone
by tomorrow when i wake up
& i cant decide
if im happy or sad

i cant wait for break
adventures with sara
& a roadtrip with my dad
& 4 days in lancaster
sounds like an awesome fucking time

too much caffeine in the blood stream

the semesters over
its nice but also weird
i was continuously moving for 3 weeks
& now suddenly it all comes to a dead halt

my photo final went over well
everyone liked it
i still dont

lancaster
this time next week
should be interesting
considering i wont have a car

i cant wait to be traveling

im saving this seat for you

i went to a formal last nite
having no previous knowledge of what a formal was
i agreed then realized what i had gotten myself into
i never went to a dance in high school
so i felt like this would be a learning experience
& i learned i didnt miss out on anything by not going

also when my "date" answered her door
she looked me up & down
& said
you look like the fucking unabomber
thats how i do formal i guess

it took me a while to get into the new dillinger four
but now that i am
its all i can listen to

fiddling while rome burns

im an asshole because i care
when a girl im attracted to
shows any possibility
of even coming close to reciprocating
any interest
i become an asshole
& make rude & mean comments
its my defense mechanism
to save me or her
ive yet to figure out

over winter break im going to niagra falls & florida

im trying to do a lot
& change alot

the book will hopefully be a fairly intense project
concepts
titles
inspirations
everything slowly coming together

currently listening
less than jake "in with the out crowd"

picking poisons & talking shit

i fucked up again
kind of ironic
that i realize this
while in the process
of completing a series
based on my ability
to continually destroy
any sort of relationship im in

listening:
the number twelve looks like you "mongrel"
circle takes the square "as the roots undo"
planes mistaken for stars "up in them guts"

everyones back in the house
& its really weird
i really enjoyed having the house to myself

freaks & geeks is done
it made me really nostalgic for high school
which if you know me
is a rare thing
but it laid the groundwork for some inspiration
so ill see where it takes me

lots of thinking happened over the past few days
& im really going to start trying to make some changes

you told me once i made you smile

but we both know damn well i didnt

this has been one of the best breaks ive ever had

motivational talks that last til 5 am
& commence at 7 am
are really fucking tiring
but well worth every word & minute

im half way thru watching the entire series of freaks & geeks
& it wrecks my life

my music purchases are still way out of hand

im scheming & dreaming

im looking to go to new england sometime soon
& im trying for la over spring break

currently playing
modern life is war "midnight in america"
hop along, queen ansleis "freshman year"
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them

im at that point in my life again
where im reading ridiculous amounts
of rollins & bukowski

a house is not a home

the big blue house is empty tonite
& will be til saturday or sunday
everyone went home for thanksgiving

im looking to do a new book soon
im slowly gathering inspirations
poetry/ essays/ photos/ design
hopefully a delicate combination of all of the above

its going to be nice to not see the same people
for a few days

ive been thinking a lot about next year recently
trying to figure out what im going to be doing
ive got a few ideas
but i think im going to keep them to myself

you cant let false hopes & meaning less notes get you down

my new unicorn

currently listening
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them"
braid "frame & canvas"
alkaline trio "remains"

greatness aint no race

my gaslight anthem & braid vinyl came today
things are looking up
i dont know why people kid themselves
vinyl is the only medium worthwhile

gaslight anthem has had an effect on me
not seen since give up the ghost

im excited about my new photo project
it deals with real life shit
as opposed to just being good photos

new writings in the works

my dad called me today
& asked if id want to go
on a roadtrip over winter break
in that instant
some of the pieces of life
fell into place

i wish the 59 sound would have come out
my senior year of high school
because its the perfect album
for driving around on cold winter nites
singing along with your friends
but im making the best
of sitting alone in my living room
thinking about two girls

anyone who reads this
knows ive been kinda shitty as of late
well i just found video
of the get up kids reunion
from this past weekend
& this is the capper on 3 shitty weeks

corey chris & i were talking last nite
about a girl i recently met
& corey said i should just play hard to get
& chris said what i was thinking in my head
when jordan plays hard to get
he never hears from them again

my music collection is growing
while my bank account dwindles
as sara stated last nite
music is my crack

i need out of dc soon
im trying to figure out a niagra falls trip

i want to be half the person atticus finch is

our first party went well
nothing broke
no one cried
& clean up was easy
i was surprised

last nite i made my 6th purchase
of give up the ghost "were down til were underground"

i dont know what im doing

ive been pretty miserable as of late
so i went to the record store tonite
& got 6 cds
2 records
& a 7 inch
i kill my misery with music

im counting the days til
braid /frames & canvas
& gaslight anthem /sink or swim & 59 sound
hit my doorstep

everyday it gets harder & harder to get out of bed

the big blue house is hosting a party saturday nite
i usually leave parties early
so it will be interesting to see
where i run to this time around

the last time i listened to elliotts "false cathedrals"
i was in my car
fogging the windows
with a girl who shouldnt have been talking to me
let alone making out with me

her & i dont talk anymore
& my car has since been sold
but calvary song
still makes my heart swell
& throat clench up

keep pushing on

i still cant get to sleep
& when i do its only for a short time

ive been writing in short bursts

i finished my big photo project
but i dont feel relieved at all
two more still to be finished

i hate the holidays
but im excited for xmas in the big blue house

i miss autumn in suburbia

hot water music "bleeder" at 33 rpm
is about all that gets me thru the days lately

im confused how you can share certain moments with people
fresh smiles
amazing laughs
new hope
& then just stop talking for days on end

i realized tonite that im "that guy"
when girls are talking about that bad date
when friends talk about the person who hangs around but they dont want there
when people talk about the kid who talks to much about dumb shit
im that guy

im going to talk less
do more
& be more of the person i want to be

the simplicity is beautiful

merely minutes after the results of the election were in
sirens car horns & voices
were all screaming in unison
the area in which i live
erupted with people
stopping traffic
& flooding the street
the amount of love & unity to go around was amazing
i hope it was all for good reason

certain situations lately have not been in my favor
& someone everyday since last thursday
has told me im awkward or made fun of my voice
like ive never heard either before

& proof of how fucked up i am rite now mentally
im giving away
give up the ghost "were down til were underground"
& gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
either im desperate or just a fucking moron

hot water music "bleeder"
lawrence arms "like a record player"

my beds emptier than its ever been
what the fuck am i doing wrong

recently playing
braid "lucky to be alive"
lawrence arms "oh! calcutta!"
the smiths "louder than bombs"

one thing ive never said

i cant read people for shit
i spent the nite playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk that most people
laugh at me for liking
& i realize now i should have stayed
instead i slept alone again

& finding a new job
is the shittiest thing ever

i hope this is goodbye

three things
1) i need to stop having fucked up dreams/nitemares
last nite i woke up in a panic
i dreamt that i had to move back to lancaster
& my dream consisted of me walking into my old house
& my entire family screaming at me til i woke up

2) im not going to settle this time
call me shallow
but i refuse to date a girl who wears uggs

3) fuck halloween
every halloween just reminds me of her & i
driving thru back country roads
listening to alkaline trios version of halloween
& that was the nite i should have kissed her
instead i waited another six months

all the subtle ways that weve grown apart

best friends treating you like shit
nite after nite of no sleep
family treating you with no respect
completely questioning everything youre doing at current times
making shitty money at work
completely bombing your first big project of the year
no be able to stand the general thought of people
getting caught in the rain biking home

& then theres a knock at your door
& its the mail man
with your thursday/ envy split vinyl
number 359 of 1000
with absolutely the most amazing artwork youve ever seen
& you sit in a cold house alone in the dark
& you can see it raining outside
& everything seems ok
& it seems like things may start turning around

god damn god damn god damn

im at a party
theres barely anyone there
wes eisold is playing pool in the corner
i try talking to him
but he ignores me
all of a sudden her & i are making out
soon shes crying
not like a little upset crying
but full out parents just died
emotional wreck crying
& thru stutters
& sobs
she begins to complain about him
& like in real life
i sit there
listen
& try to console her
(so continues the fucked up dreams ive been having)

last weekend i finally got a record player
so any free time ive had the past week
has been spent listening to the collection
ive had for close to 3 years
& have never had the chance to hear
we're down til were underground on vinyl
is better than anything else ive experienced
thus far in life
& gaslight anthem "59 sound" on cd
is a waste of time & money
its only worth hearing thru a record needle

as of late

music
alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
the movielife "...has a gambling problem"
saves the day "through being cool"
less than jake "anthem"
the used "the used"
cursive "ugly organ"

realizations
i hate wet paper
& wigs
tomatoes really arent that bad
i really like wearing only white t shirts

things that still surprise me but really shouldnt
i can only shower in the dark or with my eyes closed
i want what i cant have & dont want what i do have
i dont want to be in school
i cant wear only one shirt i have to wear two

walking on glass

summer before freshman year of high school i discovered the movielife
& along with give up the ghost
they got me thru my freshman year
& every girl ive tried to be with has been attatched to a movielife song
some more heavily than others
an inch or a mile
it still matters
yesterday driving home
she was scrolling thru my ipod
& put on walking on glass
& i realized how perfect it was for this girl
i just tried to help her with a project
& she wasnt comfortable with me
i left with out words
& im done
its not worth my time
ive known for a while it was worthless & pointless
but sometimes it takes a little while
but when you finally realize it
it feels like a brick hitting your chest
while some are being taken from your shoulders

were much to young of men to carry such heavy heads

formula for a new book:
visit va beach
your last time there being when you moved away
& had to leave with your dad pissed & crying
see gaslight anthem
a band who has had a major impact on your life only second to give up the ghost
at a bar with too many memories already tied to it
lay it all on the table with a girl who you know doesnt feel the same
then spend the nite holding her
while youre unable to sleep
drive home in shitty traffic
listening to everything you did in 9th grade
with the most beautiful girl asleep in the passenger seat

combined with school work my next couple weeks
are going to be
restless
stressful
& hopefully some clarity along the way

its the perfect type of nite to share a bed

as i type this the faint sound of drunks on u street
corey cleaning up my kitchen
& my roommates smoking outside
slowly seeps in thru my open window
being pushed by cold air & the coming season

never get your hopes up
it only leads to let downs

logic & dreams never seem to mix

its over before it ever begins

her & i hung out again last nite
we just layed there & talked
a few hours passed quickly
& i left
i biked around dc for close to 2 hours afterwards
i ended up falling asleep as the sun was rising

i love & hate nites like these

i working on a photo project
the final product should be amazing
if i cant actually follow thru
& get it done

all my roommates & my father are yelling at me
im pissed off
grab my shit
& leave
im walking thru the streets pissed & angry
i pass ll cool j
& he makes a joke about his "fame"
& asks if i have a minute
i tell him honestly i dont
when a friend of his comes out of nowhere
i start walking away quickly
& apologize
his friend grabs my shoulder
spins me around
& puts a gun to my forehead

i wake up in the fetal position
with the blankets wrapped so tight
around my right leg that it has no feeling
my pillows are strewn across the room
my bodies itchy & my head kills
i can barely breathe

i really miss having someone to hold at nite

im the unattractive guy with issues
& youre the girl who has yet to figure out she deserves better

monroe hips

ive made bad decisions & poor choices
but havent we all?

corey & i went for a bike ride last nite
covering a lot of dc
i found a couple spots to shoot at
which im excited about
im brainstorming a lot these days
& just hoping it gets me somewhere

im currently rereading salad days
a book that completely changed
my high school experience
& definitely set in motion where i am today
& its having the same effect on me now
as it did four years ago

i want to know why college is the only answer anyone can give me
parents friends teachers
i tell anyone i dont want to be in school
& all they say is you have to
school isnt for me
i cant do the academics i cant do the learning
the projects the everything
its not my place
photo is all i know & i cant imagine doing anything else
but being in school for it still hasnt set in
& im not sure it ever will

i watching stand by me
& i want my life to be an early 20 year olds version of this movie
i need that adventure
that search
i was talking to a friend last nite
telling her i wanted to travel
& have no commitment to anyone or anything
& she just kept telling me id eventually give in because id be lonely
& no one seems to understand
im happiest when im alone
& somewhere ive never been

about this time every year
i question everything

i need a major change
im just not sure what

partners in crime

you ditch something really good
for something you think is better
& then better turns into nothing at all

in search of augustine

this time last year i was lying in bed with a girl who meant more to me than words can express & across the room was a girl who at the time i had no idea the impact she would have on my life
as of rite now im writing a paper about hamlet while listening to thriller
this doesnt even begin to explain how weird life has been recently

you learn to swim by being thrown in the water

i feel like a waste of space
a let down to those who need me
i want to quit everything
& take that one in a million chance

like getting kicked in the teeth

it all feels weird & pointless

...that shit you heard about me
well some of its true...

i woke up this morning from a dream
about failing my photo class
because a project wasnt done
im not even a week into the semester

lifes had its weird ups & downs lately
but i was recently reminded that i still have morals
which pleasantly surprised me

i went shooting with chris & sara yesterday
it was good to get out & shoot again
photos the only thing that ive ever really known how to do

all i keep thinking about is that nite in your bed
gaslight anthem on repeat

are you here for the party?

i sit on the counter top
while you spill blood on my kitchen floor
half empty bottle
broken
a cocktail
of champagne & dna
i suture & sew
& lay the seeds
but youre soon gone
as a result of
mutual friends
not wanting us
to be in each others company

its one of those nites
when you just want to
sit with someone
& talk

but youve cut everyone
who cares about you
out of your life

im not sure whats worse
you wanting to keep me a secret
or the fact that im ok with that

my friend believes everyone can find their soulmate on craigslist
i believe everyone can find their soulmate in new york city

my house has spent the whole day playing super mario 3
tremendous amounts of cursing has ensued

i went to coney island this morning
& it was honestly the happiest ive ever been
i spent the day with matt around new york
dinner with katy & melissa
& one of the best record stores ive ever been to
today was one of the best days of my life
im sitting in an apartment in brooklyn
watching saved by the bell with melissa
im looking to do a new book soon
a photo series
& some sort of group project

la grecia & gaslight anthem are still in heavy rotation

as amazing of a time as im having
part of me still misses
those few warm summer nites

drunk on a rooftop
overlooking the district
im puking confessions
& regrets
between two parked cars i scream
"stop pretending
you even care
the least little bit about me"
we all know im at the top
of your list of
"shouldnt have fucked"
so drink your drink
& kiss the kid in the corner
ill be fine by morning

your presence lasts long after youre gone

its an interesting feeling knowing something no one else ever will

in my head im already gone

my house is amazing
chris & i decided we want to live in ikea
everythings pretty much in its place
sara moves in tomorrow
& the other chris this coming weekend
the past 4 days have been amazing
its all a blur rite now

listen to green day "stuart & the ave"

i can smell the city already

i move back to dc today
my summers been a whirlwind of everything
it started mothers day weekend
an all niter with someone ill never see again
& scattered from then til now
have been some of the best times of my life
the hes the hero sleepover at my aunts
seeing my dad for longer then a couple days at a time
getting eaten alive by mosquitoes
arguments over coffee
i cant do this summer justice
of course ive fucked up & hurt people
some of them dont even know it yet
but with the highs also come the lows
but within 12 hours ill never live in Lancaster again
& that to me trumps all

shut up & kiss me

we stutter
& slur
& spit
arguments
over coffee
a sinner preaching god
& confessing failures
to ears that couldnt care less

i move to dc friday
my rooms trashed rite now
i have way more shit than i need
my to do list seems to be getting bigger everyday

listening to pony up! & lagrecia

the greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one

broken bones & nasty cuts

i just woke up from a dream
i happened to be passing thru your town
& saw you sweeping your front porch
i turned & ran
i tripped barely half a block away
my teeth met the concrete with tremendous force
& flew out of my mouth
all the concrete in sight turned a dark red
i heard your laugh from behind me
but i couldnt bring myself to turn
& look you in the eyes

add me to your list of let downs & regrets

forget me nots

you took my guard down
brought me back to square one
i dont know what to do
think
say
feel
act
nothing

i want to breathe your breath
& taste your spit

im in dc in less than 2 weeks
& thats 2 weeks too long

(cadillacs & cigarettes)
im the best selling whore
on the worst corner in town
& while all my engagement rings
come from twenty five cent machines
at least ive got enough love to go around

you spend your whole life searching for the adult that you are
and spend the rest of it searching for the child that you were

standing in the river drowning

i love being around people who just want to have fun
i spent the morning with the girl that is my only random hook up, a crush from freshman year, & a long time friend that i rarely see. all in the name of cliff diving. no cliffs were found but that had quickly become just a side note to the adventure. sing alongs to pop punk. rope swings. im not doing any of this justice. but this morning reaffirmed my life & just added to my fuck the diagnosis/fuck the critics view. life is about fun. no drama/ no bullshit/ no cares.
its only after youve lost everything that youre free to do anything

my feet arent seeds

so continues the constant movement that is my life
in 3 weeks ill be living in a big blue house in dc
work has pretty much taken over my life
ive become friends with exs
& exs friends with each other
i never unpacked from when i left dc
ive been living out of a tupperware containter with my clothes
so im unpacking & repacking everything
i hardly see anyone anymore
& im ok with that

i guess this is growing up

thanks to a couple good friends & someone id never met
i got to shoot warped tour yesterday
i was excited
but quickly realized i wasnt 14 anymore
i saw 3 bands set your goals/ gaslight anthem/ bouncing souls
it was worth the trip to see my friends & those 3 bands alone
last time i went to warped tour was 3 summers ago
& it still was a decent line up
these days its just bad metalcore bands
& a suprising number of pop groups
i did get the new have heart tho & its beyond words in amazingness
working all day everyday til god knows when
but ill be in dc soon

i cant wait til im back in the city

ive got a love/hate relationship with philly
& and its an ever growing battle in my head
justin & i saw hot water music last nite at the troc
i passed them behind the club & was able take the above photo
we drove back & got home around 2am
i woke up this morning for work at 8
voiceless bruised ribs & ridiculously tired
but well worth it
justin & i are doing a musical project
im excited to get my words out in a different way
my time in lancaster is going quick which is good
chris is looking at apartments in dc today

icons of nothing

lancaster has been nothing more or less than i expected
working a lot
way too much time at diners
& the same half dozen people almost daily
im just kind of going thru the motions at this point
til i leave for dc
how water music & philly are this time next week
which will include 2 of my favorite people

between two cities
more than a little love is lost
we sleep in the same bed now
but its just not the same
as that first nite
i capsized the alphabet
& screamed your name
thru another cigarette sunrise
as weve learned in recent weeks
when the scrabble board spells
champagne & oral sex
its gonna be a long nite