scratch my name in the table

i was at school today
for roughly 19 hours
& have nothing to show for it

allergies are destroying my life

when you have dreams about the apocalypse
it should be a sign your day is gonna be shit

back in the city

im looking to do a new zine series
one month
each one having a separate theme
now its just a matter of finding the time

i got two fish from my dad
cocktails & dreams are now part of
the big blue house family

it was a lazy sunday
vegan brunch
then drove to school
hung around
had thai for lunch
then helped sara shoot some
it was a nice way to start the next 3 weeks

she never called
i knew she wouldnt
but i was still a little suprised

also
i wouldnt advise
watching your parents home movies
from when they were kids
its just a weird experience

cocktails & dreams

va beach iv filled with
a million different emotions for me
this entire past summer
coupled with a cousin who committed suicide
& a dad who is 50 & living with his sister
does not make for an enjoyable weekend

taking back sunday blasted on the way there
& lawrence arms on the way back to dc

a new unicorn
great
another girl to keep me awake at nite

2 nites ago i had a dream about lauryn
since then ive been fucked in the head

the ocean water tastes like your spit
& the air smells like your hair

more later

unicorns & rum

at what point is it appropriate
to laugh at the joke
your life has become

quit while youre ahead

cut your losses
& hope for the best

va beach this weekend
should be fun
i need out of dc

2 girls have been
tearing my mind to bits lately

all i want to do
is lay in bed
& watch the wonder years
then life would be ok

basketcase

i decided today
im saving for a hasselblad 503c
with the discount
its going to be roughly 3700
hopefully by the end of summer
donations are much appreciated

also green day is still to this day
one of the best bands ever

sincerely me

instead of going to a pop punk show
with a friend i havent seen in a while
i ended up making a new chap book
of recent poems & photos
edition of 10
all called for/decided for
titled please drive faster

i dont know who the fuck reads this
but if you do im assuming you know
that all my books tend be based
on a relationship thats failed
in the recent past
well this chap book
is a what the fuck am i doing
of the recent past
the relationship opportunities
that i have had
i havent wanted
& the relationship opportunities
i have wanted
i havent had the chance at

while i enjoyed making a new chap book
i still would have rather
gone to the show

in high school i made friends
zines & chap books
under the name zero zero press
& i miss sharing that creative process
so ive decided to start an all encompssing
media outlet i guess is the best term for it
no roses no skies
please drive faster
is the first title under this name
hopefully to come will be
more chap books/ zines
hopefully some real published books
& even higher hopes
of eventually putting out some records
if you want to get involved
or have anything to contribute
definitely get in touch

from this day on

i didnt think it was possible
to be let down
if you never
got your hopes up
to begin with

wash me away

i realized today
that art school
is not for people
who have a low self esteem

im questioning all sorts
of everything right now

my next four weeks
are going to be hell
i have so much to do

planning of the georgia bike trip
has begun

i just need summer

running on empty

ive decided
once i move away from a place
im never moving back

it finally hit me today
how mentally fucked up
i really am
ive left every girl ive ever been with
because id convinced myself
they were unhappy
simply for the fact
that i personally
couldnt believe
that there was any way
they could be happy with me

theres a three girls
that i still think about on a daily basis
& only reason why
(most likely)
is because i never got the chance with them
& i continuously wonder
if one of them was maybe

if i know i end
everything i start
why am i continuously searching
for new beginnings?

play none more black "this is satire"
& mewithoutYou "brother, sister"
simultaneously
at incredibly loud decibels
& youll understand
my mental & physical state
of the past week

please drive faster

anything easy
isnt worth having

projects are brewing
my photo final will hopefully
be a photo/video/ installation piece

i finally realized why i love pop punk
its fucking amazing to run to

who knew the girl from xiu xiu
was so fucking gorgeous
& being in xiu xiu
doesnt hurt either

steve & i had another good
few hour conversation tonite after work
hes slowly become one of my best friends
& i only see him at work
& hes 7 years older then me
but he helps me sort out
all the fucked up shit in my head

got a text a from a friend the other nite
new found glory & set your goals in baltimore
how else can you respond to a text like that
except with
fuck yea

knowing that one day
ill be able to drive around again
listening to gaslight anthem
& insane volumes
makes me sleep easy at nite

no roses no skies

ive slept about 4 hours
in the past 55
some how im still functioning
it was to finish up a project
& it was completely worth it
maybe a new direction
i guess i will find out

ran into an
acquaintance/ huge crush today
& it just made me lonely
i wanted to talk to her
& ask her to hang out
instead i mumbled & stuttered
a few meaningless words/ phrases
she has a life & possibly person she likes
while i spend my days
mindfucking myself
& my nites not sleeping
in order to make art

you win some
you lose some

wishful puppeteer

ive been kicking my own ass
with projects lately
a couple installations
a video & sound piece
if you can keep your head
everything will work out

allergy season is here in full swing

i decided today
im enjoying the vegan thing
its been like 2 months now
& its going well
vegan pancakes
are the best thing to wake up to
& vegan chicken salad
is pretty good as well

well things are good
my mind is still
a wrecking ball
out of control

ps if you dont like the lawrence arms
i cant be your friend

its over im gone

i want to quit everything
move to kansas
& be a post man
live in a tiny house by myself
& watch the sunset every nite
over empty midwest fields

in search of augustine

sometime in high school
maybe junior year
i developed in my mind
exactly the type of girl
that i want to be with
personality look attitude
everything
the problem thus far
isnt that i havent found this girl
its that when i do
shes going to be way out of my league
& want absolutely nothing to do with me

still trying to change

listen to this band

ive decided im going to start posting
more of my photo projects on here
i know no one reads this
but it helps me sort shit out

wash me away

lets place a pipebomb
in the middle of everything you know
& count to three

a high school crush
& a present day mind fuck
have been equally eating me alive
& slowly birthing ideas
worth the headaches?

im reading at plan b tomorrow
i have nothing new since the last reading
so it looks like all ill be doing tomorrow
is writing

our arms will sing

im restless
i wanna create something amazing
i wanna make something new
something worthwhile

the weekend ended up being not so bad
driving home from gaslight anthem
kelly in the passenger seat
a dense layer of fog covering everything
was better than the actual show
skipping work yesterday to be around friends
was completely worth any repercussions
heart to hearts with best friends
are still one of my favorite ways
to spend time

irony is crying

you win some
you lose some

because of a few events
my weekend has turned into
one nite
im seeing gaslight anthem saturday
number 12 & converge are out of the picture
which this will be the third time
for each band
of me planing on seeing them
even having tickets
& missing the show for one reason or another

braids been on repeat for about two weeks now

im trying to change
i really fucking am

sleep it off

i dont know why i actually think
people would want to be around me
i dont even want to be around myself
after any conversation i have
i usually regret about 90% of what i said
none of my stories
are entertaining funny or even unique
theyre all selfish
& mind numbingly boring
i fixate on people ill never have
& in all honsety probably dont actually want

in other news
i wrote a new poem for a school thing
& i really like it so i thought id share

please drive faster

a pokerfaced wet dream
in the back of a car
heading south
fingers & wrists
square knotted
brainstorming
migraine hurricanes
of daydreams
punch drunk
horizon bound
between clotheslines
& closed blinds
aspirations
of sleeping with the prom queen
from community college
were comparing purchases
with the homeless
in drug store parking lots
stitching our names
to the wings
of paper planes
with noses bent
& broken
headed
for a virgins bed frame
sheets freshly unstitched
kissing in ways
that make a teen seamstress blush
a bloody mess
of alcohol & bathroom stalls
shes cussing & cursing the nite
swearing she will swear off regret in the morning
if i had the chance
id be the mississippi
bisecting lovers
apartments
as organs
have you ever heard
a song
so sad
torn telephone wires
encircling raw knuckles
id splice every connection
with yellowing teeth
ive got the keys to the car
but im gonna keep us in park

please drive faster

another 1000+ mile trip
5 nites of concrete floors
meeting more of saras friends
than ive had friends in life thus far
blink 182 mark tom travis show on repeat
& just trying to fucking figure shit out

boston was amazing
but cant imagine living there
worcester was scary
sunset on the beach in cape cod
surrounded by seagulls
made the entire trip worthwhile
albany was cold & kinda shitty
& i always enjoy brooklyn

been in contact
with a few people in the past week
who i shouldnt have been
&/or never thought i would be again

dinner with my mom in manhattan
she got drunk on wine
& i told her everything
ive held in for the past 18 years
i thought she took it well
til she started crying

i leave for nyc thursday nite
the number 12 in nj friday nite
gaslight anthem in philly saturday nite
& converge in philly sunday nite

this past week just reassured in me
the fact that i never want a real job
& i wanna see anything & everything
& go everywhere

fuck the diagnosis
fuck the critics