wash me away

lets place a pipebomb
in the middle of everything you know
& count to three

a high school crush
& a present day mind fuck
have been equally eating me alive
& slowly birthing ideas
worth the headaches?

im reading at plan b tomorrow
i have nothing new since the last reading
so it looks like all ill be doing tomorrow
is writing

our arms will sing

im restless
i wanna create something amazing
i wanna make something new
something worthwhile

the weekend ended up being not so bad
driving home from gaslight anthem
kelly in the passenger seat
a dense layer of fog covering everything
was better than the actual show
skipping work yesterday to be around friends
was completely worth any repercussions
heart to hearts with best friends
are still one of my favorite ways
to spend time

irony is crying

you win some
you lose some

because of a few events
my weekend has turned into
one nite
im seeing gaslight anthem saturday
number 12 & converge are out of the picture
which this will be the third time
for each band
of me planing on seeing them
even having tickets
& missing the show for one reason or another

braids been on repeat for about two weeks now

im trying to change
i really fucking am

sleep it off

i dont know why i actually think
people would want to be around me
i dont even want to be around myself
after any conversation i have
i usually regret about 90% of what i said
none of my stories
are entertaining funny or even unique
theyre all selfish
& mind numbingly boring
i fixate on people ill never have
& in all honsety probably dont actually want

in other news
i wrote a new poem for a school thing
& i really like it so i thought id share

please drive faster

a pokerfaced wet dream
in the back of a car
heading south
fingers & wrists
square knotted
brainstorming
migraine hurricanes
of daydreams
punch drunk
horizon bound
between clotheslines
& closed blinds
aspirations
of sleeping with the prom queen
from community college
were comparing purchases
with the homeless
in drug store parking lots
stitching our names
to the wings
of paper planes
with noses bent
& broken
headed
for a virgins bed frame
sheets freshly unstitched
kissing in ways
that make a teen seamstress blush
a bloody mess
of alcohol & bathroom stalls
shes cussing & cursing the nite
swearing she will swear off regret in the morning
if i had the chance
id be the mississippi
bisecting lovers
apartments
as organs
have you ever heard
a song
so sad
torn telephone wires
encircling raw knuckles
id splice every connection
with yellowing teeth
ive got the keys to the car
but im gonna keep us in park

please drive faster

another 1000+ mile trip
5 nites of concrete floors
meeting more of saras friends
than ive had friends in life thus far
blink 182 mark tom travis show on repeat
& just trying to fucking figure shit out

boston was amazing
but cant imagine living there
worcester was scary
sunset on the beach in cape cod
surrounded by seagulls
made the entire trip worthwhile
albany was cold & kinda shitty
& i always enjoy brooklyn

been in contact
with a few people in the past week
who i shouldnt have been
&/or never thought i would be again

dinner with my mom in manhattan
she got drunk on wine
& i told her everything
ive held in for the past 18 years
i thought she took it well
til she started crying

i leave for nyc thursday nite
the number 12 in nj friday nite
gaslight anthem in philly saturday nite
& converge in philly sunday nite

this past week just reassured in me
the fact that i never want a real job
& i wanna see anything & everything
& go everywhere

fuck the diagnosis
fuck the critics

i keep you around to remind myself what i never want to become

i can let most shit roll off my back
& i dont really give a fuck
but two people in this world
really know how to piss me off
& always do
& its two people
who you would think
the last thing theyd want to do
is piss me off

boysetsfire "rookie"
coming on shuffle
when you hate the world
is called bittersweet justice
adventure ensues
at 3 pm est tomorrow

i want a partner in a crime

feels like your choking me

i was recently talking with someone
who said that they hated
the getting to know you parts of relationships
the in between so to speak
& it finally dawned on me
thats the only part i do like
those first stories that you know
theyve only previously shared
with a hand full of people
the first nite spent at that persons place
trying to keep comfortable for eight hours
in a twin bed
in the early days of a humid september
clammy skin sticking to clammy skin
sharing songs
& movies
& books
& all niters just spilling it all
& thats where it ends for me
after a few sleep overs
a few all nite no punches pulled conversations
a shared speechless moment during that one song
& then i lose it
the thought of actually dating this person
& having it maybe last even a little bit
any routine or obligation
completely kills it for me
but by cutting these things short
before they even start
im continuously plagued
thinking of what
couldve & wouldve been

kiss it to death

a pocket full of "fuck you toos"
& a voice thats dead on arrival
im sleeping with movie stars
for the chance of being
remembered in the books of history

allergy season has begun

braid is one of the greatest bands of all time

best friends
long drives
& good music
can make every shitty thing in life
completely disappear

one day at a time

at some point in 10th grade
i wrote a poem titled b-side
which started with the lines

i want everything
i dont have
& everything i have
i dont want

you would think some four years later
that something in my life would have changed
but thats where youre wrong

i still have zero motivation for school
i dont want to be here
& i have no project ideas

sara & i are going to boston for spring break
ive never been
& she has friends there

im focused on ghosts of the past
inconsiderate of fresh hearts
& damning the future

its a nite when you put gaslight anthem on repeat
& hope you can get some sleep