i hope this is goodbye

three things
1) i need to stop having fucked up dreams/nitemares
last nite i woke up in a panic
i dreamt that i had to move back to lancaster
& my dream consisted of me walking into my old house
& my entire family screaming at me til i woke up

2) im not going to settle this time
call me shallow
but i refuse to date a girl who wears uggs

3) fuck halloween
every halloween just reminds me of her & i
driving thru back country roads
listening to alkaline trios version of halloween
& that was the nite i should have kissed her
instead i waited another six months

all the subtle ways that weve grown apart

best friends treating you like shit
nite after nite of no sleep
family treating you with no respect
completely questioning everything youre doing at current times
making shitty money at work
completely bombing your first big project of the year
no be able to stand the general thought of people
getting caught in the rain biking home

& then theres a knock at your door
& its the mail man
with your thursday/ envy split vinyl
number 359 of 1000
with absolutely the most amazing artwork youve ever seen
& you sit in a cold house alone in the dark
& you can see it raining outside
& everything seems ok
& it seems like things may start turning around

god damn god damn god damn

im at a party
theres barely anyone there
wes eisold is playing pool in the corner
i try talking to him
but he ignores me
all of a sudden her & i are making out
soon shes crying
not like a little upset crying
but full out parents just died
emotional wreck crying
& thru stutters
& sobs
she begins to complain about him
& like in real life
i sit there
listen
& try to console her
(so continues the fucked up dreams ive been having)

last weekend i finally got a record player
so any free time ive had the past week
has been spent listening to the collection
ive had for close to 3 years
& have never had the chance to hear
we're down til were underground on vinyl
is better than anything else ive experienced
thus far in life
& gaslight anthem "59 sound" on cd
is a waste of time & money
its only worth hearing thru a record needle

as of late

music
alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
the movielife "...has a gambling problem"
saves the day "through being cool"
less than jake "anthem"
the used "the used"
cursive "ugly organ"

realizations
i hate wet paper
& wigs
tomatoes really arent that bad
i really like wearing only white t shirts

things that still surprise me but really shouldnt
i can only shower in the dark or with my eyes closed
i want what i cant have & dont want what i do have
i dont want to be in school
i cant wear only one shirt i have to wear two

walking on glass

summer before freshman year of high school i discovered the movielife
& along with give up the ghost
they got me thru my freshman year
& every girl ive tried to be with has been attatched to a movielife song
some more heavily than others
an inch or a mile
it still matters
yesterday driving home
she was scrolling thru my ipod
& put on walking on glass
& i realized how perfect it was for this girl
i just tried to help her with a project
& she wasnt comfortable with me
i left with out words
& im done
its not worth my time
ive known for a while it was worthless & pointless
but sometimes it takes a little while
but when you finally realize it
it feels like a brick hitting your chest
while some are being taken from your shoulders

were much to young of men to carry such heavy heads

formula for a new book:
visit va beach
your last time there being when you moved away
& had to leave with your dad pissed & crying
see gaslight anthem
a band who has had a major impact on your life only second to give up the ghost
at a bar with too many memories already tied to it
lay it all on the table with a girl who you know doesnt feel the same
then spend the nite holding her
while youre unable to sleep
drive home in shitty traffic
listening to everything you did in 9th grade
with the most beautiful girl asleep in the passenger seat

combined with school work my next couple weeks
are going to be
restless
stressful
& hopefully some clarity along the way

its the perfect type of nite to share a bed

as i type this the faint sound of drunks on u street
corey cleaning up my kitchen
& my roommates smoking outside
slowly seeps in thru my open window
being pushed by cold air & the coming season

never get your hopes up
it only leads to let downs

logic & dreams never seem to mix

its over before it ever begins

her & i hung out again last nite
we just layed there & talked
a few hours passed quickly
& i left
i biked around dc for close to 2 hours afterwards
i ended up falling asleep as the sun was rising

i love & hate nites like these

i working on a photo project
the final product should be amazing
if i cant actually follow thru
& get it done

all my roommates & my father are yelling at me
im pissed off
grab my shit
& leave
im walking thru the streets pissed & angry
i pass ll cool j
& he makes a joke about his "fame"
& asks if i have a minute
i tell him honestly i dont
when a friend of his comes out of nowhere
i start walking away quickly
& apologize
his friend grabs my shoulder
spins me around
& puts a gun to my forehead

i wake up in the fetal position
with the blankets wrapped so tight
around my right leg that it has no feeling
my pillows are strewn across the room
my bodies itchy & my head kills
i can barely breathe

i really miss having someone to hold at nite

im the unattractive guy with issues
& youre the girl who has yet to figure out she deserves better

monroe hips

ive made bad decisions & poor choices
but havent we all?

corey & i went for a bike ride last nite
covering a lot of dc
i found a couple spots to shoot at
which im excited about
im brainstorming a lot these days
& just hoping it gets me somewhere

im currently rereading salad days
a book that completely changed
my high school experience
& definitely set in motion where i am today
& its having the same effect on me now
as it did four years ago