trying to sort it out

this time a year ago
i was on my way to being in love
i had a job i enjoyed
friends i loved
& was barely in school
at the time i hated it
but looking back it was the best time in my life so far

now
i have no connections with anyone anymore
im considering quiting both school & work
& this summer im moving even farther away
from any resemblance of someone considered a friend

dont deny it
this cities made you
inside & out
every stuttered kiss
rooftop view
& wasted nite
but theres no more room
in the back seat
so im pumping these veins
full with nostalgia
& its a bitter taste
this was my one wish
& im taking back
every word i said
but theres a lite in a bedroom
somewhere in pennsylvania
that burnt out long ago

(... and its sometimes like it will never end)

life has been that slow downward spiral lately
this weekend was weird and tense
no sleep
long conversations
its been amazing but devastatingly terrible at the same time

the new book is getting printed tomorrow
my past 6 months put in poem form
accompanied by a photo series ive been working on
print run of 15
handsewn
possibly hardcover (if i find the time)
if you want one let me know

classes are over in less than 3 weeks
my freshman year done
ive learned so much and have had the best moments of my life
but im ready for it to be done
im ready to learn more
live other places
and keep creating

being alone so much of the time lately has made me miss people alot
i miss just laying in bed talking
i miss long drives in the middle of unbelievably humid summer nights
i miss the music
everything has a different meaning when its shared with someone else

everythings pretty (ugly)

im currently listening to nineteen songs i probably shouldnt be
i posted "the art of growing up" hoping for closure & i found none
so its back to drawing boards
at this point its being vastly edited & will probably end up in a short run of ten or fifteen hand sewn books accompanied by a recent set of photos
but this will all probably change by the end of the week so dont hold me to it

its funny
as a photographer i dont really need to make memories
they are in a way made for me
every memory i do have is attached to a photo
& the person who has had the greatest effect on me in the past 6 months
is not in a single photo
it will be interesting to see which moments become memories

better thank your lucky stars

im in virginia beach
i came down to get a job for the summer or at least thats what i told my dad
i just needed to get away from everything for a little
im living here for a month this summer & i cant wait
the air just feels different here
tonite i sat in my aunts garage drinking coffee
talking to my cousin who chain smoked & emptied a half dozen beer bottles
the sky was gorgeous & i stepped outside
the air was dense & heavy in my lungs
but was cool & ran chills down my spine
i looked through my phone book
& realized theres no one i can call anymore
theres no one in my life that i can sit on a curb
& spill everything through a speaker to
good bad indifferent
& get the same back
im the only one to blame for this

did you hear my acceptance speech?

i quit

falling in love is like nothing else; there isnt a rite or wrong way to fall in love with another person, no mathematical equation for love & the perfect relationship. emotions that i had not experienced in the years since my teenage crush. i felt suddenly & strong, for long & lingering moments, so profoundly that they hurt. I could not stop thinking about her, no matter what i did, & found it difficult even to eat or sleep properly as a result.

the new book is in the final editing stages
titled "the art of growing up"

april 10th & 11th 2 years ago my life was in upheaval & i destroyed everything i had
april 10th & 11th last year my life was in upheaval & i destroyed everything i had
april 10th & my life is in upheaval & ive recently destroyed everything i had
i guess we will see what tomorrow brings

can you miss something you never really had

i slipped out the door unnoticed
another party with too many bad situations annoying people & shitty music
the sky was the deepest red ive seen it been in a while
rain falling but not enough to make it a hassle or uncomfortable but enough to make me overly emotional (not that that takes too much these days)
walking home seeing drunken couples in love
(have i really fucked up this time)
i realized i have no connections with anyone anymore
the few i did have ive destroyed & burned every bridge in the process
i have not had a cohesive rational thought in a good few weeks
& listening to taking back sunday & saves the day till 2:30 am is not helping the situation

we will fail & fuck up til were in the grave

its one of those times in life when you tell yourself it has to get better because you dont know if you can take it getting any worse
& you tell yourself it was the rite thing because no one was happy
& you tell yourself that maybe one day youll see each other again & it will all be better & everything will work out
& you tell yourself that cutting people out of your life is ok because you fucked up
& you tell yourself you have to stay in school because you cant let your dad down
& you tell yourself that one day youll have that connection you need
& you tell yourself waking up alone isnt so bad
& you tell yourself that hating your family & your hometown is ok
& you tell yourself these lies because youre too much of a coward & hypocrite to take a risk & put your life on the line