the wanderers lament

im back in dc
but not for long
im going on a short tour
with justins band
til the 8th of january
& then im trying to convince
tara to come visit
i also need to find a job
at some point

this will most likely be
the last past of the year
i was planning a round up
list of sorts
but im having trouble

i started my year in toronto
& then getting drunk for my first time
in brooklyn
a roadtrip thru the south
which was everything
i couldve hoped for
it was the summer
of camp rock
met the german kid
we drank our way
thru working 9-5
i fell in love
& broke a heart or two
new york was rough at first
but i ended up really enjoying it
melissa is by far
the best roommate ive ever had
asked out a stranger
for the first time ever
made friends
downed drinks
kissed pretty girls
all in all it was a pretty solid year
they seem to keep getting better

im pretty sure
gaslight anthem was the
background music of the year
& hot water musics "trusty chords"
was the therapy

this year im making
100 resolutions
& one of those hundred
is to not care about
the other 99

nothing ever changes

im in va beach

lancaster was lancaster
it never seems to be an easy time
while im there
its always the highest of highs
& the lowest of lows
i saw sophie for the first time
in almost 2 years
& we sat in a diner for close to 5 hours
& just talked
i saw tara
& she always makes me happy
that girl can cure cancer
with a smile
heard justins bands new album
& its of course
amazing

im starting to realize
how fucked in the head i am
im looking for people to fix my problems
& i fixate on people
like tattoo girl
& the girl i had one date with
& girls i kissed a year or more ago
& i constantly wonder
how they feel about me
but the people who
ive fucked up with
& left
i just write off
fuck self relfection

i should be all over the northeast
in the coming week
or all over the south
depending how things pan out

im ready for it to be the 26th

chris wollard & the ship theives on repeat

cut the rope

i left ny in a lurch
like i usually do
packed up
barely said bye to melissa
& was gone

the show last nite was ok
a couple friends came
which was nice
i have prints for sale
if anyones interested let me know

gustav & i
drove around tonight
blasting gaslight anthem
& ruining peoples xmass

snows already starting to lay
i love snow
but im not looking
to be stranded in lancaster

im supposed to see tara
on sunday
which i hope i do
shes one of my favorite people
ever
& i dont see/talk to her enough

justin hopefully tomorrow

i realized today
that give up the ghost
is good for me to have around
or else there would be
a lot of holes punched in walls

i guess this is goodbye

i leave ny
in 60 hours
& im sort of indifferent about it
not happy
not sad

since friday
ive been drunk off
jaeger
rum
& screwdrivers
with only enough time to sober up
before drinking again
on sunday printed my show
from 10am to 630 am
then caught a 7am bus back to ny
where i hung my show
& inhaled painted fumes for a few hours
& in all this time ive slept about 12 hours
& as harmony told me today
my body basically said
fuck you
to me today
i just ache & hurt
& a shit ton went wrong

& to top it off
the number 12 broke up

not looking forward to lancaster
or virginia beach
im just not a family person
& as much of a dick that may make me
i dont think i really care
i cant wait til i can skip
this time of year

crit tomorrow
kind of nervous

show thursday

i just kind of coasting right now

maybe half a drink more

elf was on in the background the other day
& im pretty sure i would give anything
to sing
baby its cold outside
with zooey deschanel
in the shower

new yorks coming to a close
i quit my job
my studios empty
painted
& cleaned
im going to dc early sunday morning
to print my final
i come back tuesday
crit wednesday
show thursday
& friday i leave

i made a couple really good friends here
maybe ill keep in touch
maybe not
with me you never know

im excited for dc again
but part of me wishes
it was somewhere new

man overboard

im a huge proponent of lists
always have been
what follows has been a mental list
for quite some time
but i thought id put it up
in response to saras

10 things to do everyday
1. run
2. read
3. write
4. talk to someone new
5. break glass
6. bike
7. make/ create/ find art
8. 100 push up plan
9. call a friend
10. finish something

& 5 things not to do
1. drink
2. ruin something
3. watch tv
4. apologize
5. over analyze

probably not the best info
to follow this list
but i had one to many
rum & cokes last night
& tried to hit on
probably my best friend
ive met since being here
& have no recollection
of getting home
you win some
you lose some

im skipping my last nite of work
to go see the gaslight anthem
in new jersey

& there may be a short trip to dc
before the semesters over

i need change
again

empty break down lanes

my date tonite can be summed up
by this video

so now its 2 parts tequila
2 parts mango juice
1 part caution
1 part from here to infirmary

i need to travel
i need a trip
i need the unknown

just keep fucking shit up
but you wake up tomorrow
& put one foot
in front of the other

its monday & raining

ive never actually asked a girl on a real date before

its always been friends of friends

but a girl came into my cafe

last week

& easily has the best smile ive ever seen

she walked out & i chased after her

& asked her out

we have a date tonite

& im mildly freaking out

so all thats been on my mind today

is this

one of my least favorite blink songs

but still good none the less

i spent the day in a cafe

in the east village

listening to joy division

& the smiths

with it pouring outside

oddly movie esque

the runnings been going well

im already back to the point i was in dc

next semesters going to be rigorous

i miss drinking alone

with that one record on repeat

but self control for a better me

i hope

my time in ny is almost up

& its been a really weird 4 months

if anything its reinforced

my need for change

as frequently as possible

always knew i was wrong

my only real goal when i started college
was to run a marathon before i graduated
well i havent yet
& october is my last chance
so it begins
im stopping drinking
im running again everyday
im eating better
& im going to try & train
& in october ill be running
the marine corp marathon

if you know me you know
i hate this time of year
im going to thanksgiving
with saras family
& nothing against them
but im not really thrilled
by any stretch of the mind

somehow a folgers commercial
managed to make me feel
like a shitty son/ brother

alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
if you havent listened to this album
since you were 15
then prepare to have your mind be blown

save me from myself

curvy bracket

1 part tequila

1 part vodka

1 part pineapple juice

1 part sprite

a splash of grenadine

1 nite of bad choices

& a rough morning to follow

the cold side of the bed

seems to be that way

no matter the temperature

i read moyra daveys book

notes on photography & accident

in it she states almost everything

i think/ feel about photography

thanksgivings coming up

im spending it alone

& i couldnt be more excited 

ive never been one for holidays

& this time of year is generally

pretty shitty for me mentally

i saw an olaf breuning exhibit this past week

that left me speechless

he deals a lot with text

& emotions

& economics

toby burrows series

suburbia

is right on

2 flat tires on the way to class today

& apparently i was looking rough

because some guy walked by me 

& said

someone got a little sauced last nite

my sister is turning 15 next week

& my sort of stepsister is engaged

mind fuck ensues

recently saw thank you for smoking

id like to see it again from the beginning

it was shot tremendously well

i scanned a bunch more negatives

im going to be printing 

in the next few weeks

my show is the 17th of december

& im doing a reading at dcad on the 4th

the next few weeks should be interesting

ive been running again

& trying to bike more

its been good for the mental health

alkaline trio

taking back sunday

saves the day

on repeat

she coulda raised the titanic

was shown doug aitken today

by one of my teachers

blow debris is fantastic

was also shown moyra davey

both are amazing

& are good reference points

for myself

& my work

ive been working a lot

in an effort

to keep my mind off things

& to gather some money

as i dont have a job in dc anymore

so ill need a buffer for when i return

im making a personal goal 

this weekend

to create 2 drinks

the curvy bracket

& the milemarker

spending a nite

with vices

& hopefully a friend or two

my books coming together

sort of

trying to develop another video as well

made a large photo dump

with hopefully more being posted 

in the coming days

ive been having 

fucked up dreams again

still havent figured out why

i never really listened to

the good lifes 

album of the year

before

but holy fuck

easily tim kashers best work

that & this charming man

have been on constant repeat

awesome

i want this every morning

so true

(please) dont leave me motherfucker

this past weeks been weird

i went to p.s. 1 yesterday

saw james turrels piece

meeting

& it was awe inspiring

& left my mind

a category 4 hurricane

i apparently have a weird

attraction to girls

from florida

ive been writing a lot

piecing single lines together

to some how hopefully

make some sense of this life

ive been trying to be better

better person

run more

less drinking

not going so well

i leave new york in 6 weeks

lancaster

virginia beach

then hopefully 

a far northeast tour

with sara

then sleeping on big blues couch 

for a month

the books coming along

mentally

& conceptually

images should start to be materializing

sometime

in the next week or so

its basically the same book 

i was making in july

except with a couple added examples

of my continuous

fuck up & failures

melissas out of town

the next 4 weekends

living with her has reaffirmed

how good of a friend she is

im going to miss her when i leave

but i should be used to 

leaving/ losing people

by now

a mutinied crew

of a sinking ship

lost at sea

ps a video of gaslight anthem

covering trusty chords

is enough to make you warm inside

witnessing it in person

in the dead center of the crowd

front row

pushing yourself up

over every one elses shoulders

& screaming so loud

you lose your voice in 3 minutes

is enough to change your life

so much has changed 

it seems

nothing ever changes

a few days ago

i was a 747 

hitting a bullet train

now 

im the aftermath of that

try hard not to walk away

my new video is done

a few days of no sleep

& some sweet wounds

new project is entitled

i hereby apologize for the damage done

photo portion is still in the works

i have scanning & printing to do this week

titled please dont leave me

& the third part 

is going to be a book of some sort

words images maybe some design

not sure yet

but the working title is

anyone else isnt you

basically im finally accepting 

the fact that

im an extreme codependent

with extreme commitment issues

i also recently had an ex 

tell me that

her need for therapy 

could be pinpointed to me

i figured i should start 

dealing with some shit

the damage done

i filmed a video/performance
monday nite
better results than i expected
but i have to reshoot it
tonite
ill post it this weekend sometime
hopefully

ive met a couple friends
& its been good for my mental stability

lots of inspiration as of late

its rare that i like an artists
entire body of work
but these are gorgeous

makes me miss the south

this just makes me happy

this girl comes into my cafe

i want a photo of myself
looking exactly like this

gorgeous

badass

perfection in photo form

my chemical romance
"three cheers for sweet revenge"
has been on repeat
& im strangely ok with that

work is slowly being made
crit friday
i hope i get destroyed
i seem to make better art
when no one else likes it at first

whats the fun in life
if there isnt a fight?

the chandelier swing

adding to the list of holy fuck moments

lars frederiksen of rancid

just happened to stroll into

the cafe where i work

tonight

i stood there speechless

& mumbled something of a thanks

& was in shock for a bit

& for the rest of the nite

...and out come the wolves was on repeat

its been a while 

since ive had an all niter

in the name of art

& its kind of refreshing

my mind right now

is a 747 hitting a bullet train head on

broken glass & razorwire

currently in dc

its nice to be here

but its also nice to know 

ill be leaving in a couple days

still mentally fucked

not unhappy

but also not very happy

i have midsemester crit

next week for my studio program

im going to have a few images

& hopefully a video

which by the end of the semester 

will become a 3 part series entitled

please dont leave me

comprised of 10-15 photos

a video

& a book

but we will see where this ends up

you can never say

i dont have good intentions

less than jake

dillinger four

senses fail

taking back sunday

all on repeat

basically anything 

with self deprecating lyrics

& is embarassing to tell people

you still listen to

this guy knows how to make art

im in constant search 

of something else

& i dont know if its

dedication

or stupidity

this joke isnt funny anymore

dear new york

you are a fucking shit hole cesspool

im not really sure what anyone ever saw in you

sincerely

jordan

cue less than jake "anthem"

&/or hot water music "caution"

can you unsink a ship

im starting to wonder
if theres something
seriously mentally wrong with me
the high & lows
happen so quick these days
i was extremely happy
with the last 8-10 rolls of film
that i shot
but i had 2 one on ones today
one with a critic/ teacher
& one with a visiting artist
neither went well
& so in my mind
those rolls mean nothing
theyre done & the negatives are gone
you move on i guess

im also coming to realize
just how much of a codependent i am
but also how much
of a commitment problem i have

instead of facing any of this shit
im ending my nite
with a drink in one hand
& hot water musics "caution"
lyric sheet in the other

medication

melissas 21st was today
which is bad for my wallet
& my liver

spent the day drinking
with amazing people

a few projects completely coming together

this dude knows how to take a photo

jealous

for sara

all good things must come to an end

prepare to lose a few hours

its amazing how one persons voice
can change around an entire weekend
of thinking

i shot 11 or 12 rolls of film this weekend
im bound to get something