empty break down lanes

my date tonite can be summed up
by this video

so now its 2 parts tequila
2 parts mango juice
1 part caution
1 part from here to infirmary

i need to travel
i need a trip
i need the unknown

just keep fucking shit up
but you wake up tomorrow
& put one foot
in front of the other

its monday & raining

ive never actually asked a girl on a real date before

its always been friends of friends

but a girl came into my cafe

last week

& easily has the best smile ive ever seen

she walked out & i chased after her

& asked her out

we have a date tonite

& im mildly freaking out

so all thats been on my mind today

is this

one of my least favorite blink songs

but still good none the less

i spent the day in a cafe

in the east village

listening to joy division

& the smiths

with it pouring outside

oddly movie esque

the runnings been going well

im already back to the point i was in dc

next semesters going to be rigorous

i miss drinking alone

with that one record on repeat

but self control for a better me

i hope

my time in ny is almost up

& its been a really weird 4 months

if anything its reinforced

my need for change

as frequently as possible

always knew i was wrong

my only real goal when i started college
was to run a marathon before i graduated
well i havent yet
& october is my last chance
so it begins
im stopping drinking
im running again everyday
im eating better
& im going to try & train
& in october ill be running
the marine corp marathon

if you know me you know
i hate this time of year
im going to thanksgiving
with saras family
& nothing against them
but im not really thrilled
by any stretch of the mind

somehow a folgers commercial
managed to make me feel
like a shitty son/ brother

alkaline trio "from here to infirmary"
if you havent listened to this album
since you were 15
then prepare to have your mind be blown

save me from myself

curvy bracket

1 part tequila

1 part vodka

1 part pineapple juice

1 part sprite

a splash of grenadine

1 nite of bad choices

& a rough morning to follow

the cold side of the bed

seems to be that way

no matter the temperature

i read moyra daveys book

notes on photography & accident

in it she states almost everything

i think/ feel about photography

thanksgivings coming up

im spending it alone

& i couldnt be more excited 

ive never been one for holidays

& this time of year is generally

pretty shitty for me mentally

i saw an olaf breuning exhibit this past week

that left me speechless

he deals a lot with text

& emotions

& economics

toby burrows series

suburbia

is right on

2 flat tires on the way to class today

& apparently i was looking rough

because some guy walked by me 

& said

someone got a little sauced last nite

my sister is turning 15 next week

& my sort of stepsister is engaged

mind fuck ensues

recently saw thank you for smoking

id like to see it again from the beginning

it was shot tremendously well

i scanned a bunch more negatives

im going to be printing 

in the next few weeks

my show is the 17th of december

& im doing a reading at dcad on the 4th

the next few weeks should be interesting

ive been running again

& trying to bike more

its been good for the mental health

alkaline trio

taking back sunday

saves the day

on repeat

she coulda raised the titanic

was shown doug aitken today

by one of my teachers

blow debris is fantastic

was also shown moyra davey

both are amazing

& are good reference points

for myself

& my work

ive been working a lot

in an effort

to keep my mind off things

& to gather some money

as i dont have a job in dc anymore

so ill need a buffer for when i return

im making a personal goal 

this weekend

to create 2 drinks

the curvy bracket

& the milemarker

spending a nite

with vices

& hopefully a friend or two

my books coming together

sort of

trying to develop another video as well

made a large photo dump

with hopefully more being posted 

in the coming days

ive been having 

fucked up dreams again

still havent figured out why

i never really listened to

the good lifes 

album of the year

before

but holy fuck

easily tim kashers best work

that & this charming man

have been on constant repeat

awesome

i want this every morning

so true

(please) dont leave me motherfucker

this past weeks been weird

i went to p.s. 1 yesterday

saw james turrels piece

meeting

& it was awe inspiring

& left my mind

a category 4 hurricane

i apparently have a weird

attraction to girls

from florida

ive been writing a lot

piecing single lines together

to some how hopefully

make some sense of this life

ive been trying to be better

better person

run more

less drinking

not going so well

i leave new york in 6 weeks

lancaster

virginia beach

then hopefully 

a far northeast tour

with sara

then sleeping on big blues couch 

for a month

the books coming along

mentally

& conceptually

images should start to be materializing

sometime

in the next week or so

its basically the same book 

i was making in july

except with a couple added examples

of my continuous

fuck up & failures

melissas out of town

the next 4 weekends

living with her has reaffirmed

how good of a friend she is

im going to miss her when i leave

but i should be used to 

leaving/ losing people

by now

a mutinied crew

of a sinking ship

lost at sea

ps a video of gaslight anthem

covering trusty chords

is enough to make you warm inside

witnessing it in person

in the dead center of the crowd

front row

pushing yourself up

over every one elses shoulders

& screaming so loud

you lose your voice in 3 minutes

is enough to change your life

so much has changed 

it seems

nothing ever changes

a few days ago

i was a 747 

hitting a bullet train

now 

im the aftermath of that

try hard not to walk away

my new video is done

a few days of no sleep

& some sweet wounds

new project is entitled

i hereby apologize for the damage done

photo portion is still in the works

i have scanning & printing to do this week

titled please dont leave me

& the third part 

is going to be a book of some sort

words images maybe some design

not sure yet

but the working title is

anyone else isnt you

basically im finally accepting 

the fact that

im an extreme codependent

with extreme commitment issues

i also recently had an ex 

tell me that

her need for therapy 

could be pinpointed to me

i figured i should start 

dealing with some shit

the damage done

i filmed a video/performance
monday nite
better results than i expected
but i have to reshoot it
tonite
ill post it this weekend sometime
hopefully

ive met a couple friends
& its been good for my mental stability

lots of inspiration as of late

its rare that i like an artists
entire body of work
but these are gorgeous

makes me miss the south

this just makes me happy

this girl comes into my cafe

i want a photo of myself
looking exactly like this

gorgeous

badass

perfection in photo form

my chemical romance
"three cheers for sweet revenge"
has been on repeat
& im strangely ok with that

work is slowly being made
crit friday
i hope i get destroyed
i seem to make better art
when no one else likes it at first

whats the fun in life
if there isnt a fight?

the chandelier swing

adding to the list of holy fuck moments

lars frederiksen of rancid

just happened to stroll into

the cafe where i work

tonight

i stood there speechless

& mumbled something of a thanks

& was in shock for a bit

& for the rest of the nite

...and out come the wolves was on repeat

its been a while 

since ive had an all niter

in the name of art

& its kind of refreshing

my mind right now

is a 747 hitting a bullet train head on

broken glass & razorwire

currently in dc

its nice to be here

but its also nice to know 

ill be leaving in a couple days

still mentally fucked

not unhappy

but also not very happy

i have midsemester crit

next week for my studio program

im going to have a few images

& hopefully a video

which by the end of the semester 

will become a 3 part series entitled

please dont leave me

comprised of 10-15 photos

a video

& a book

but we will see where this ends up

you can never say

i dont have good intentions

less than jake

dillinger four

senses fail

taking back sunday

all on repeat

basically anything 

with self deprecating lyrics

& is embarassing to tell people

you still listen to

this guy knows how to make art

im in constant search 

of something else

& i dont know if its

dedication

or stupidity

this joke isnt funny anymore

dear new york

you are a fucking shit hole cesspool

im not really sure what anyone ever saw in you

sincerely

jordan

cue less than jake "anthem"

&/or hot water music "caution"

can you unsink a ship

im starting to wonder
if theres something
seriously mentally wrong with me
the high & lows
happen so quick these days
i was extremely happy
with the last 8-10 rolls of film
that i shot
but i had 2 one on ones today
one with a critic/ teacher
& one with a visiting artist
neither went well
& so in my mind
those rolls mean nothing
theyre done & the negatives are gone
you move on i guess

im also coming to realize
just how much of a codependent i am
but also how much
of a commitment problem i have

instead of facing any of this shit
im ending my nite
with a drink in one hand
& hot water musics "caution"
lyric sheet in the other

medication

melissas 21st was today
which is bad for my wallet
& my liver

spent the day drinking
with amazing people

a few projects completely coming together

this dude knows how to take a photo

jealous

for sara

all good things must come to an end

prepare to lose a few hours

its amazing how one persons voice
can change around an entire weekend
of thinking

i shot 11 or 12 rolls of film this weekend
im bound to get something

too much caffeine

i realized three things in the past couple days

i never really liked the show friends
i didnt hate it either
but being in ny
i watch it almost every nite
it just always seems to be on
& for some reason i always decide to watch it

i will never like iphones
except for the fact
that they create awesome moments
ti laugh at while bored on the subway
you wouldnt believe
how many drunk girls
want to take goofy pictures
of their less drunk boyfriends

my love of the smiths started with a book
not an album
in 9th great i read
perks of being a wallflower
about 9 million times
& mentioned repeatedly was
the smiths "asleep"
it would still be 2 years
before i finally purchased a smiths album
my love for the smiths is completely voyeuristic
while i do enjoy them
they never had the effect on me
that they seem to have had on everyone else
but for some reason the everyone else
has a had a huge effect on me
joe menos "meat is murder"
& marc spitzs "how soon is never"
are two of my favorite books
that ive read numerous times of the years
for a 6 month period i left menos
in my bag
& would just break it out when i was bored
broadway calls does a cover of
a rush & a push & the land is ours
& everytime i listen to it
im left speechless & mildly heart broken
that they didnt just cover the album
when i listen to the smiths version
im lucky if i make it the whole way thru
i once wanted to date a girl once
because she was obsessed with the smiths
& i thought this was a good personality trait
& we spent a nite on the floor
morrissey vinyl slowly spinning around & around
i was also greatly intimidated
by a girl i go to school with
when i found out she liked morrissey
a great desire to be her friend
slowly emerged
i love books about the smiths
& covers of their songs
& their fans
way more then i will ever actually like them

2 projects in the works

already planning my trip
to germany next summer

holidays/ options

melissa & i surprised everyone in dc
took the bus down friday nite
showed up
just in time for the german kids
going away party

it was good to see everyone
& while i miss everyone a lot
im glad im in new york right now
i wasnt liking it
up until this past weekend
i realized yea dcs something to miss
but it will be there when i go back in january
but im going to live in ny once

im starting a new project
i guess not new
because its still based on
my overall sense of fucked up relationships
but i have some new ideas

i didnt get to see everyone i wanted
but ill be back in a few months

im really sick
nose is runny
throat sore
i hit my head at some point this weekend
& ive had an off & on headache since
& i cant seem to get enough sleep

wild hearts

this is crazy
this is amazing
this mans work is amazing

i scanned a bunch of negatives today
you can see them here
its amazing how fast things can turn around

im meeting with the guys of morning breath tomorrow
im hoping to do a story about them

a photo book is possibly in the works
fully dependent upon my mental state
&/or alcohol consumption
over the next few weeks

fuck art let dance

i dont know why i ever thought
i could be an artist
im a photographer at best

a perpetual limbo scene

i cant be in a healthy relationship

im a codependent to the fullest extent

some nites you say fuck it
drop everything
go home
& get drunk alone watching shitty tv
i feel like i have more of these nites
than anyone else i know

im not doing any books
no video
no installations
im just taking boring photos

if i had any balls
id drop the fuck out
this is useless

im my own fucking albatross

p.s. new york is burning

punk rock is the most amazing thing in the world
a guy came in to my cafe tonight
& i noticed he had the sabot records logo
tattooed on his inner wrist
i mentioned it
& he said his old band started it
this old band being
against me!
& hes now in a band with
blake schwarzenbach of jawbreaker
who about half an hour later
walked in & ordered a black coffee
my heart started beating faster
my palms were sweaty
i gave him coffee for free
it was the least i could do
new york totally redeemed itself
in a matter of 3 seconds

this is a total ramble
but you try collecting your thoughts
after two of your favorite musicians
just happen to walk into your place of business

im trying to make art
i cant really figure out if its happening or not

dead weight

marin & chelsea were here this past weekend
we all went to coney island
& it was crowded
& windy as fuck
but amazing
i love when you find a go0d group of friends
its just weird knowing ones 300 miles south
& the others halfway around the world

my programs started
& its mildly overwhelming
i have open range
to just make art for 4 months
should be interesting

the new polar bear club is amazing

john cusack can do no wrong

sara chris & marin are coming up this weekend
have heart blacklisted & crime in stereo
should be amazing

new books kind of happening
kind of not
hopefully done soon