holidays/ options

melissa & i surprised everyone in dc
took the bus down friday nite
showed up
just in time for the german kids
going away party

it was good to see everyone
& while i miss everyone a lot
im glad im in new york right now
i wasnt liking it
up until this past weekend
i realized yea dcs something to miss
but it will be there when i go back in january
but im going to live in ny once

im starting a new project
i guess not new
because its still based on
my overall sense of fucked up relationships
but i have some new ideas

i didnt get to see everyone i wanted
but ill be back in a few months

im really sick
nose is runny
throat sore
i hit my head at some point this weekend
& ive had an off & on headache since
& i cant seem to get enough sleep

wild hearts

this is crazy
this is amazing
this mans work is amazing

i scanned a bunch of negatives today
you can see them here
its amazing how fast things can turn around

im meeting with the guys of morning breath tomorrow
im hoping to do a story about them

a photo book is possibly in the works
fully dependent upon my mental state
&/or alcohol consumption
over the next few weeks

fuck art let dance

i dont know why i ever thought
i could be an artist
im a photographer at best

a perpetual limbo scene

i cant be in a healthy relationship

im a codependent to the fullest extent

some nites you say fuck it
drop everything
go home
& get drunk alone watching shitty tv
i feel like i have more of these nites
than anyone else i know

im not doing any books
no video
no installations
im just taking boring photos

if i had any balls
id drop the fuck out
this is useless

im my own fucking albatross

p.s. new york is burning

punk rock is the most amazing thing in the world
a guy came in to my cafe tonight
& i noticed he had the sabot records logo
tattooed on his inner wrist
i mentioned it
& he said his old band started it
this old band being
against me!
& hes now in a band with
blake schwarzenbach of jawbreaker
who about half an hour later
walked in & ordered a black coffee
my heart started beating faster
my palms were sweaty
i gave him coffee for free
it was the least i could do
new york totally redeemed itself
in a matter of 3 seconds

this is a total ramble
but you try collecting your thoughts
after two of your favorite musicians
just happen to walk into your place of business

im trying to make art
i cant really figure out if its happening or not

dead weight

marin & chelsea were here this past weekend
we all went to coney island
& it was crowded
& windy as fuck
but amazing
i love when you find a go0d group of friends
its just weird knowing ones 300 miles south
& the others halfway around the world

my programs started
& its mildly overwhelming
i have open range
to just make art for 4 months
should be interesting

the new polar bear club is amazing

john cusack can do no wrong

sara chris & marin are coming up this weekend
have heart blacklisted & crime in stereo
should be amazing

new books kind of happening
kind of not
hopefully done soon

blue & yellow

there are very few people in life
that you meet
& immediately know the importance
they will have on you as a person
marin falls into this category
he got off the bus last nite at 1030
& by 1045 we were in deep conversation
about music & books
& he is the only other person
ive ever met
that feels & talks about music
the way i do

chelsea comes tonite

i start my program on tuesday

& next weekend
chris sara aris & marin
are coming up
& im going to see
have heart play one of there last shows

its amazing how fast shit turns around

also if i could ever have photos of myself
turn out like these
id be a lot happier a person

you deserve much better than me

one of my favorite artists
put out a new book
& its amazing
& like usual
perfect timing

the new brand new
can only be described as stunning

im rereading klostermans
killing yourself to live

i fucked up the job i had
& am most likely going to have to find a new one
i knew it was too good to be true

im mentally fucked right now
chelseas coming to ny
this weekend
& i dont know if im ready for it

i saw lauryn yesterday
& it was fine & normal
& completely fucked
& weird
all at the same time

im biting my nails again
drinking too many black russians
& listening to
to much gaslight anthem

new york is a fucking cesspool

i cant fall asleep before 5 am
& i cant sleep past 8am

i dont miss dc
i miss the places ive never seen
states ive yet to cross
couches ive yet to sleep on

i have $19 to my name

i need away from
myself for a few days

when the good feeling dies

its weird how peoples true colors show
once youre away from them

we are all expendable

i need to be making art
im going insane

black russian
with a touch of rice milk
dont mind if i do

i want to never back go
or talk to anyone i know again

short story in the works
for my new chap book

this is growing up

i found a job in new york
in about 15 minutes
at a vegan deli/bakery/cafe
im pretty sure it cant get better than that
oh wait it does
im seeing blink 182 & taking back sunday tonite
as much as i wasnt excited about this before
im freaking the fuck out right now
new books in the works

in 2 weeks ive flown to georgia
to tell a girl ive been dating
for about a month
that i love her
gotten a job in new york
& am seeing a band
who has been one of my favorites
for the past 10 years
& has been the start of many friendships
yea its been interesting

this scam will save us all

im in my new place
in brooklyn
melissa comes tonite

i miss savannah
not only because of chelsea
but i just miss the air
& the feeling
& the emotional calm i get
in any type of beach environment

i saw chris & sara yesterday
& while i always knew
they were two of my favorite people
its true
that you never really know what you have
til its gone

i met up with a couple people
doing the same program as me
last nite
it wasnt awkward
or good
or anything really
it just kind of was

this week will hopefully
have me
finding a job
& finishing a new book

im biking to coney island
in about 15 minutes
10 miles each way
should be interesting

i found this
& this today
it seems art lately just upsets me
because i feel ill never do anything
worth viewing

no sleep til georgia

very rarely in life
do you get a glimpse of the future
like i had this past week

new art in the works

i move into my apartment tomorrow
finally

im planning on stiff drinks
& endless records
to keep me company
til melissa moves in
sometime next week

flying 700 miles
on 12 hours notice
to see someone you care about
is quite possibly
the greatest feeling in the world

dont make me dance all nite alone

+








= georgia

sometimes i really like being me

i wonder when it all starts to make sense

this shit is amazing

everyone should see this movie
& this movie
& read this book

im currently writing a few short fiction stories
& possibly a screenplay for a short movie
that id like to make this semester
or next
all of the above
obviously dealing with
heart break
alcoholism
"growing up"
& those few songs that make life ok

brooklyn on saturday

...and this is our last dance

when (if) i have a family
i want it to be exactly like melissas
they have all been insanely nice
& generous to me the past few days
& i cant put into words
how grateful of them
that i am

i saw this band tonite
& this guy read
2 of my favorite authors
i met wes eisold singer of the band above
while it was a good show
i would have much rather
seen him with give up the ghost
or some girls

i recently realized i really love architecture
& want to design my own house some day

ive started a new book again
in a completely new form
once again
ill see where it takes me

i want to start a band
that sounds like
bukowski
planes mistaken for stars
& joy division
getting in a fight
in brooklyn
beneath the L train
on a warm summer afternoon

we both know i dont deserve a thing

melissa & i found a place today
we move in the 15th

ive been moving a lot
the past few days
its been good for my mind
ive been writing a lot also

i really miss chelsea & sara
i finally got comfortable in dc
my last month there
& then im gone
but thats how life works

found out today
one of my best friends
from high school
will be in brooklyn
the same time as me

life works in weird ways

i am the avalanche
& taking back sundays "where you want to be"
describe my life completely right now

our statues will cast a shadow on this city

friday
i left sara & chelsea at the school
in a rushed goodbye
packed up
& left big blue in 15 minutes
chris & marin at the doorstep

a short stop in lancaster
i saw tara which is always good
& met old friends at the diner

saturday i dropped my stuff
at melissas house in jersey
& went to the city
i spent the day walking
saw a couple friends
& had a lot of random events
at one point i felt like i was
in the credits of a movie

i woke to black skies
& flooded gutters
walked around in the rain
for a few hours
& took the train back
to jersey

im in a weird mental state right now
im in transit
essentially homeless
& i left 3 amazing people behind in dc
i know im back in 6 months
but its a weird situation to be in

i need to start making art
ive written a lot in the past 48 hours
& taken a lot of notes

i am the avalanche on repeat

crimes

my life is in 4 boxes
sitting in the corner of my room right now
brand new is on repeat
while someone i care about
more than most things in life
is asleep next to me
& im realizing drinking alone
probably wasnt the best idea of the nite

i just had a flash back of a sunrise
on rehoboth beach
& the breakfast that followed

my place in brooklyn fell thru
again
so im dropping my shit
at melissas familys house in jersey
& just couch surfing thru new york
for the next couple weeks

my minds a tornadoe right now
i dont know how to feel
or what to think

a public speech on a public bus

i had an anxiety attack this evening
i move to brooklyn in 3 days
i have barely anything packed
i started something i cant finish
i have a migraine worse than ive had in a while
i had one to many screwdrivers
the other evening
& got in an argument
with someone i really care about
im fucking sick of working 9-5
& dealing with inconsiderate people

my minds exactly
how i would expect it to be
right now

flesh & blood

yesterday is what life is all about
marin (my german friend)
chris sara chelsea & myself
went to brunch
& did random errands
but because of the company
it was one of the best times
ive had in a while
& today sara moved to gtown u
to be an ra
& before shes done
im moving to brooklyn
& then marin goes back to germany
& its all over just like that

im cleaning out
& getting rid of 90%
of my books & cds
& if you know me
then you know
im having a terrible time

give em hell

the books on hold for the time being
i was making it
for the fact that
i was stuck in a continuous stumble
of sorts
but ive recently
fallen into something good
however i am moving to brooklyn
in 2 weeks
so we will see what happens

its amazing how certain situations
can change your understanding of things
less than jakes "hopeless case"
always seemed like a miserable
confession of fucking up
an open ended letter
stating all the reasons
its hard to wake up in the morning
but i realized the other day
its a letter to someone
who makes you feel worthy of living
no matter how bad you fuck up
or hate yourself
theyre there to help you
& love you
music is amazing sometimes