you spend your whole life searching for the adult that you are
and spend the rest of it searching for the child that you were

standing in the river drowning

i love being around people who just want to have fun
i spent the morning with the girl that is my only random hook up, a crush from freshman year, & a long time friend that i rarely see. all in the name of cliff diving. no cliffs were found but that had quickly become just a side note to the adventure. sing alongs to pop punk. rope swings. im not doing any of this justice. but this morning reaffirmed my life & just added to my fuck the diagnosis/fuck the critics view. life is about fun. no drama/ no bullshit/ no cares.
its only after youve lost everything that youre free to do anything

my feet arent seeds

so continues the constant movement that is my life
in 3 weeks ill be living in a big blue house in dc
work has pretty much taken over my life
ive become friends with exs
& exs friends with each other
i never unpacked from when i left dc
ive been living out of a tupperware containter with my clothes
so im unpacking & repacking everything
i hardly see anyone anymore
& im ok with that

i guess this is growing up

thanks to a couple good friends & someone id never met
i got to shoot warped tour yesterday
i was excited
but quickly realized i wasnt 14 anymore
i saw 3 bands set your goals/ gaslight anthem/ bouncing souls
it was worth the trip to see my friends & those 3 bands alone
last time i went to warped tour was 3 summers ago
& it still was a decent line up
these days its just bad metalcore bands
& a suprising number of pop groups
i did get the new have heart tho & its beyond words in amazingness
working all day everyday til god knows when
but ill be in dc soon

i cant wait til im back in the city

ive got a love/hate relationship with philly
& and its an ever growing battle in my head
justin & i saw hot water music last nite at the troc
i passed them behind the club & was able take the above photo
we drove back & got home around 2am
i woke up this morning for work at 8
voiceless bruised ribs & ridiculously tired
but well worth it
justin & i are doing a musical project
im excited to get my words out in a different way
my time in lancaster is going quick which is good
chris is looking at apartments in dc today

icons of nothing

lancaster has been nothing more or less than i expected
working a lot
way too much time at diners
& the same half dozen people almost daily
im just kind of going thru the motions at this point
til i leave for dc
how water music & philly are this time next week
which will include 2 of my favorite people

between two cities
more than a little love is lost
we sleep in the same bed now
but its just not the same
as that first nite
i capsized the alphabet
& screamed your name
thru another cigarette sunrise
as weve learned in recent weeks
when the scrabble board spells
champagne & oral sex
its gonna be a long nite

we have our history

im back in lancaster
if you know me
you know my trips are usually confusing spontaneous & highly emotional
this one was no different
my dad & i were a mess when i left
we still havent really talked
& i have a feeling we will never talk about me leaving
of course while in dc there was an awkward party
there always seems to be at least one
philly was amazing
i saw liz
originally we were just going to have dinner
& i was going to go back to lancaster
but we ended up in rehoboth beach
we spent the nite at jess & bens from hes the hero
it was almost weird how little had changed between us
we had fun like we used to
& it was very refreshing & somewhat reassuring
i got into lancaster last nite
it used to be weird to be here
but i dont care enough anymore
im here to work & ill be gone soon enough

taking back whats mine

so continues the cycle that is my life
i feel loved wanted & comfortable in va beach
thus im leaving
i decided monday nite
& im leaving tomorrow afternoon
im going back to lancaster
via dc & philly
im going to work 2 jobs in pa
i need money bad
lancaster is my last resort
but honestly i dont care enough anymore
for there to be any drama or problems
whether with friends or family
the past 5 weeks have been amazing
sunrises on beaches
seeing hes the hero 4 times in 2 weeks
& hanging out with them a ridiculous amount
endless drives
im going to miss the beach a lot
but its time to move on
my dad isnt to happy
which is understandable
hes trying to get me to stay
but when i make a decision i dont go back on it
the new less than jake is on repeat
along with spark is a diamonds "try this on for size"
the next month or so will definitely be interesting

a young man breaking ties

sometimes in life
you have to swallow your pride
& admit defeat

forget about your petty problems

i love & hate times like these
ive been shooting bands regularly these days
& im shooting 6 shows in the next 2 weeks
hes the hero came down & played at volume last nite
& ended up spending the nite at my house
5 people id never met before 2 weeks ago
& ive seen them 4 times in those 2 weeks
& theyre already some of the best friends ive ever had
i cant find a job in va beach to save my life
ive applied everywhere
my lifes been weird lately
but thats what keeps it interesting
hot water musics in less than 3 weeks
but thats not whats on my mind
the beach sucks the drama & anxiety from life
& thats the only way i want it at this point

my heart is schizophrenic

i gave commitment a test drive
& ended up on a crash course

somewhere between happy & total fucking wreck

ive been back 48 hours & im a mess
all i can think about are 2 girls
neither of which i should be thinking about
hanging out with hes the hero & seeing chris made me want friends here even more
its going to suck leaving the beach come august
but im excited to be back in dc
phillys in a couple weeks & im looking to go to nyc sometime before school starts

i excel at quiting early & fucking up my life

a boy in transit

im only truly happy when im traveling

assateague island
rehoboth beach
salisbury maryland
leesburg virginia

all the following occured somewhere between all these places
(the following doesnt even come close to doing justice to my life since tuesday afternoon)
lay on the beach & watch as a dark starry nite becomes a beautiful sunrise
see long time friends growing up
hanging out with people youve only met once but they treat you like one of their own
have an hour phone conversation with someone you thought youd never talk to again
sit by a campfire in silence getting eaten alive by bugs
spend a sleepless nite on a beach/in a pull out bed/on the floor of a cheap hotel room/on a pull out couch
a diet consisting mostly of wawa made to order
spend another day driving endless miles
find yourself in a field taking photos for three hours with your best friend

at some point during that hour phone conversation the person on the other end asked where i was & why i hadnt found a job yet. & i got to explaining that im going to live my life before i work. when i need money ill get a job but until then im going to have the most fun i can. the next day i got a text from the same person that said "after talking last night all i want to do is quit my job" & that made my day.

another week of learning about myself & others
lifes become so much clearer in recent weeks

drunk off your kiss

some of my best friendships have been started by being drunk dialed
my last relationship was littered with drunken texts & calls
& other friends only contact me when drunk
this all means one thing
either people need to be drunk to talk to me
or for some reason being drunk reminds them of me
im not too sure either one is good

(i just cant finish what ive started)

whoa oh!

i went to salisbury md today to shoot & hang out with hes the hero. numerous people ive never met before & they accepted me as one of their own today. it was good to be around people that are just about having fun. it was definately needed. i go to assateague on wednesday & thursday im shooting hes the hero again. next couple weeks are looking pretty good.

its amazing how one photo can make it all come crashing down

a street kid out of nowhere gets a shot at the title

my shoes are sea soaked
my car sand covered
my skin sun burnt
my clothes salt stained
this is the best ive felt in years

this weekend im going to maryland to see hes the hero play twice in one day
then next week im going to maryland for a couple days
should be a good time

curb sitting in a fuck less suburbia

my minds a demolition derby
in a cul de sac
with all the street lites out

ive been to the beach everyday for the past two weeks
i saw tim barry the other nite & it was amazing
ive (re)learned alot about myself the past couple weeks
i dont want to ever depend on work i want life to come first
hopefully some trips in the next few weeks
dc philly nyc jersey shore

ps seagulls & waves are the greatest sound in the world

its over now

youll never see your wife & children again
so tell us what was going through your head
when you looked into their eyes & said
"no thanks ill take the hooker instead"

xo

sea sick yet still docked

hook up with an ex/kiss a girl youre crazy about/backstab a best friend/cut off communication with someone who cares about you so deeply that it hurts both parties/have your father be a miserable mess/fall asleep alone & wake up next to a beautiful girl wearing only underwear/be let down by your a best friend/cut off communication with someone you really care about for the chance a friend will forgive/it gets worse before its all over

ive done alot of driving & running lately
im in va beach i dont know anyone here
so theres been alot of alone time
im counting on the music to get me thru the day

the distillers "drain the blood"
the soviettes "middle of the night"
none more black "under my feet"
the gaslight anthem "we came to dance"
onelinedrawing "14 to 41"
mewithoutYou "messes of men"
sparta "air"
cursive "a gentleman caller"
olympia "chorus! chorus! chorus!"
lawrence arms "quincentuple your money"
hes the hero "four"
taking back sunday "the ballad of sal villanueva"

(she carves mayhem into her skin to warn future lovers of her effect)