im dying to not give up on this

theres sometimes in your life when you just need to close your eyes bite your lip & have faith that everythings going to work out.
im prepared to not see for a while & blood is somewhat of a comforting thought rite now.

be true to yourself even if it lands you in hell

i was recently back in lancaster & everytime im there someone tells me that ive changed. & for the first few months i agreed & simply accepted it. but i realized this is who ive always been, its just now im not afraid to show it. all thru high school i was to afraid to tell people what i thought or if i didnt like someone id still pretend to & ive learned its just not worth it. if i dont like someone im not going to be mean but im just not going to associate. & in class critiques if i think someones work sucks im going to tell them because they have the oppourtunity to say the same to me its just too many people are afraid to. & when i meet people im going to be honest that way if they can handle that theyll stick around. its just not worth my time to be nice to people i dont want to be around.
ive been getting restless lately. i was in jersey this past weekend. everytime im in nj i have an amazing time. im going to keep myself busy this semester because thats how i function best. i have class. im serving. im working on a new book. & im currently planning/shooting 4 potential photo series. so it should be interesting.
theres very few people that i can tolerate being around these days so im hoping to see a lot of them over the next few months.
i dont know if anyone actually reads this but ive still got a few copies of "a boy in transit" left. 2 or 3 bucks whatever you can give & if i really likely you it will most likely be free.

i used to hate...

bright eyes
the beatles
spaghetti sauce
talking on the phone
pennsylvania
boxed wine
long distance
gilmore girls
cooking
cleaning
chocolate icing
americas next top model
standing on the edges of 14 story buildings...

wake up at 5am from the noise of your neighbors tv coming thru the walls
freezing cold
your stomach in knots
the taste of vomit & beer on your tongue
a migraine worse than youve ever experienced
& have it all be ok because of that one perfect thing in your life
& then try going back to sleep
knowing that in 6 hours you will have to do one of the hardest things youve ever done in your relatively short life

theres been new starts & theyll be no sleep

this past weekend was one of the worst of my life. & to the one person who listened to me bitch endlessly & have a few minor breakdowns over the past few days, i cant thank you enough.
my nites have been sustained by coffee & the fresh prince.
it seems my life lately has been fueled by mild weeks & intensely dramatic & emotionally unnerving weekends.
nothing seemed to go well this weekend except for realizing i have the greatest family anyone could ask for. in the middle of all this catastrophe & tragedy, my aunts worried because i only own one pair of pants & she demanded we go shopping. & she basically made plans for me to visit & my cousins are coming to visit me in dc in the spring.
you have friends for when you move & you have family for when you think you cant go on any longer.
my mind is a trainwreck rite now & i have a feeling its not clearing anytime soon.
i realized recently that actual college isnt about learning, its the time in between classes that you do the real learning. death, love, tragedy, addictions, quiting, birth. these are the things that matter not some art history final or boring book report. when it comes down to it the real reason we go to college is to learn about ourselves & others emotionally, mentally, & physically.

when it all comes crashing down

ive never felt more alone.
tonite i went to dinner with aris melissa jason & melissas mom. i sat there eating my food feeling completely distant.
i just stood in the shower under flickering lite for close to an hour. the hot water knob turned all the way on & water cold enough to make ice was all that was spewed from the nozzle.
every time i eat i feel like there are razorblades in my stomach.
my sinuses are constantly congested & sore.
i havent slept for longer than 2 hours in almost a month.
my train to va beach leaves at 5pm tomorrow. im there til monday or tuesday & then i start my new job, which im dreading. the only music that makes sense rite now is give up the ghost & its competing with the coffee maker & the fresh prince of bel air.
the only person i want to be with rite now is 130 miles away & ive got a week til i see her.
the new years looking pretty bleak already but i guess we will see how shit goes.

im a wreck im a mess

i moved into my new room. & its already a tangled mess of bikes, people, clothes, boxes, books, and scattered 40s. kind of fitting to my life rite now. ive been a mess as of late. give up the ghosts on repeat. im going to see family in virginia beach this weekend, its going to be a long few days. having chris aris & jason back has been good for me. melissa comes back today & im seeing liz next weekend so life shouldnt be too bad over the next few weeks.

a house is not a home

im back in dc. my time in lancaster was short considering i was in philly for most of it, but the time i did spend there was way too long. & i cant see myself going back anytime soon, im really hoping my next visit will be next xmas.
im a mess rite now
-i cant move into my new room yet so im sleeping on my mattress in the living room because its the only place i dont wake up with a mind numbing sinus headache
-my heart is 130 miles away & its killing me
-my one friend that is here works 9-5 everyday & the rest of my friends are scattered across the northeast.
-i got a job but i cant start til later in the week which is when ill probably be going to virginia beach
-the plans for my cousins memorial/funeral are still up in the air & its finally setting in that hes gone
-ive got more shit going on in my head than i ever thought possible
while i am a mess right now im better than i would be in lancaster. i never felt comfortable there, constantly on a balance beam between just getting by & having a total meltdown. & while dc is not where ill end up living the rest of my life its where im at rite now. it definately does not feel like home but im more comfortable in a few months here than i ever was in 18 years in lancaster.
the new xiu xiu is up & its fucking incredible
top 5 albums to listen to when you feel like its all crashing down.
1) give up the ghost "were down til were undrground"
2) autopilot off "make a sound"
3) thursday "war all the time"
4) this is hell "sundowning"
5) xo skeletons "bored by heaven"
if anyones lonely and looking for a road trip come visit

it gets worse before its all over

lifes a shit storm rite now
top five things of the past three days
love
pain
sickness
death
tears
& it doesnt seem like its letting up anytime soon
this is something only give up the ghost can pull me out of
& very few people know the extent of that last statement
rwl-xo

last nite everything was rite

this weekend was a mixture of words that have never meant more, actions i never thought would happen, people i never thought i would meet, & more coffee than any one should ever have. new years was your typical new years. this weekend was amazing & i dont even know how to explain it. i just know that this is what i want from life. i woke up new years day around 7am after barely any sleep.

a dead city stretched before us
the streets are wet with last nites champagne
ill carve a halo in my ribs
to remind myself of your presence
ill carve a heart into my chest
to remind me of what you took
ill test the knife with my tongue
to repent for my sins
between an overconsumption
& a loss of blood
youll nurse both with 4 advil & a cup of coffee
& between kisses in the dark
we will set the world on fire

im back in dc in less than a week & i cant wait.

kiss hard on the lips & swear that this year will be better than the last

so its new years eve & i was going to do a lists post but i couldnt think of any good ones & i dont feel like it would be fitting to the past year. 2007 was an amazing year for me. ive gone thru the highest of highs & the lowest of lows. ive lost friends i never thought i would & ive made better friends than i ever thought was possible. i finished high school & got out as quick as possible & im at college & im truly happy for once & if you know me you know that thats a rare thing. ive learned a lot about myself & the people im around. ive traveled more than i thought i would & if 2008 is anything like this year its going to be amazing

all my best friends will be the death of me

xmas is over & it was 24 hours to long. im going away this weekend & it will be nice to be out of lancaster. im sick of it all, people, places, family, work, drama.
i went to breakfast with a bunch of people the other day & driving home they were blasting biggie & were all singing along & i just kind of sat there. it made me realize i never really fit in with anyone in lancaster & while there are exceptions, for the most part i never felt comfortable here or that i could be me.
im working on a book of short stories. ive had a creative burst lately. ive been writing a lot & taking a lot of notes & trying to pay attention to details in certain situations. with every passing day im learning more about the people around me who they are & what makes them tick im trying to do the same to myself.
i rediscovered the photo that made me realize i wanted photography to be more than a hobby.














this photo has such an uneasy feeling to it but not in a bad way, if that makes sense. & i dont usually strive to follow in the footsteps of other photographers but i want to be able to evoke this much emotion from my photographs. & when the image first appeared on the screen i got that same feeling in my gut that i did 2 years ago & to me thats a powerful image.
lancaster makes me stress & worry & not sleep & im fucking sick of it. im going away for a few days then im back for 2 days gone again & then its back to dc by the 7th. theres more to say & vent but im not in the mood.

if you could see inside my head maybe youd understand

-i have a fascination with cigarettes & smoking but i wouldnt smoke if my life depended on it
-im obsessed with large masses of birds
-pop punk is & will always be the greatest form of music
-i love pain & seeing how much i can endure
-friends are more important to me than anything but i break ties & lose friends consistently
-new jersey changed my life
-im vegetarian but i dislike most vegetables
-i wanted to go to college to be a writer but i hate academics & i knew id end up dropping out
-the only reason im returning for a second semester at corcoran is because i dont want to let my dad down
-i would give anything in the world to see a sunrise on a beach with a loved one
-mix tapes are the only way i can rationalize major events in my life
-ive always wanted to be in a car crash
-i want to be in a band but i have terrible stage fright
-i want to change some ones life with the things i write

last up at dawn

i will always love & miss lancaster for one reason & one reason only. it is the only place where i can enjoyably run. everyone has a vice & for me its running. i went to a counselor from the age of 4 til 17 & i was able to work thru more mentally today in 45 minutes than i ever was in 13 years of counseling. ive run in most states up & down the east coast & ive just never been able to let myself go. no matter what ive gone thru in a day or what im thinking when i run everything just goes away & its the greatest feeling in the world & its something ive only felt in lancaster & while im glad im able to let go it kills me that i cant attain this feeling anywhere else.
im going back to d.c. early. hopefully as soon after new years as possible. its weird that im rushing back, i need to keep moving & while im rushing back now, i know that the day after i graduate i will be out of d.c. i dont know where to or with who but i know ill be gone. but as for now its home to me & its where i want to be & i cant be back soon enough.

my heart strings are tied to the north bound train

Ive come to appreciate friends more than anything else in the world & this past weekend is why. Thursday was my last class for the semester & afterwards I took a greyhound to philly. I got in about 11 & wandered a cold rainy philly til about 12:30 when liz got in, because her flight was delayed. Friday jason & melissa came in & we saw the number 12 together for the 3rd time in 3 months. Ive come to love philly tremendously over the past few months thru many visits & I always have a good time. saturday morning we came to lancaster & were here til sinday morning & the less than 24 hours we were here were terrible. sunday we ended up in jersey at melissas for dinner & then I ended up in philly again last nite & took the train home early this morning. I havent even been in lancaster 12 hours & i'm so ready to be gone. I think i'm staying thru new years & then heading back to d.c. to find a job & try & set up permanence down there because this place is a shithole.
Ive started reading "killing yourself to live" again & its really freaking me the fuck out. I relate to klosterman so much & i'm just waiting to have a breakdown. Everytime i think i'm getting better something snaps me back to realize how fucked in the head i really am. When i'm with certain people i'm the happiest ive ever been & then i'm back to lancaster & it all goes away instantly.

golden days

last nite i had the brightest young things holiday party. i met a photographer who shoots for npr & i may be starting that in the new year. afterwards jason & i went to hains point & it was awe inspiring. it was foggy and theres a giant sculture of a mans body coming out of the ground & it just felt perfect. we went back this morning & afterwards we were riding & i slid on some wet leaves & the following occured. this picture doesnt do it justice. only chris and sara know how bad it realy was, seeing how sara had to cut off a piece of my skin with an exacto knife.
ive got so much work to do before i leave for philly tomorrow nite. im moving after winter break so i have to pack everything & also finish two finals. its been a good few weeks & im going to miss these people while in lancaster.

id rather die terrified than live forever

while im not religious by any stretch of the mind i am extremely faith based. ive recently put a friendship on the line & quit a job all with the hopes that every thing would turn out alright. i went into my art history final today with little to no preparation, all the while assuming id get a decent grade. i dont know if this is faith or just being a dumb ass, probably a little bit of both. ive never been the most optimistic person but ive always had hope & i think theres something to be said for that.
i think one of the reasons im so faithful is because i like not being in control. i like being thrown into a situation and trying to deal with it. which is weird because one of the reasons i dont drink is because i dont want to not be in control of my body. i like knowing me but not my situations or surroundings i guess.
im willing to risk more than most people i guess. & whatever the consequences it keeps life interesting.
im more confused than ever. ive got problems with some people because i know so much of there past & problems with others because i dont know their past at all. im dreading lancaster. ill be there in less than four days. its going to be a long month & a half.
i feel like my life has been a movie lately. drama intermixed with amazing moments with some of my best friends. driving drunk people home, them passed out in the back seat while jason and i blast blink 182 thru the stereo at 2 am. skipping class to hang out & watch movies or go thrift stores. a constant soundtrack of miserable music playing as i bike thru rainy streets narrowly escaping getting hit on a daily basis. walking to get coffee after a couple hours of sleep if youre lucky.
no matter how bad life gets these days or how fucked in the head i really am, i just have to remember that this is the happiest ive ever been & im not letting anything change that.

ex lovers & friends

theres been the highest of highs & lowest of lows lately. this past weekend i was with melissa jason chris & aris from friday at 5 til sunday at 10. it was one of the best weekends ive ever had, but in between all this my mind is slowly crashing to the ground. im not looking forward to lancaster at all. i feel like im not in control of anything & sometimes that doesnt bother me but rite now all i want is to figure shit out. nites have been spent restless & studying reflections on the ceiling & days spent staying conscious by a never ending cup of coffee. ive been carrying a journal with me and writing mostly one liners.
youre my fix, my fixation, & my fucking failure

at least when i fail you, you wont be able to say that i lied

im a poet & a lover & the leader of a lost generation
im a martyr & a saint & the downfall of civilization

my eyes are bigger than my heart

we dont know facts or pasts

they dont seem like much but this is how most of my stuff starts. three or four lines usually turns into a small books worth of writing. it will be interesting what i produce over the next few weeks, considering my current mental state & that ill be in lancaster in less than a week.
want to experience how ive felt lately?
black out while running on the treadmill.
blast "pulling teeth" while watching love actually & having a screaming match with a shitty roommate at the same time.
read letters you never sent to ex girlfriends, & still know them word for word after two years.

the ice age is coming

ive been watching love actually at least once a day for the past week, between that & a few friends, its the only thing keeping me sane. my lifes in a tail spin rite now. ive got so much inside but i cant write for some reason. there were about eight of us sitting around the other day watching a documentary about james nachtwey, an amazing war photographer. it was all photo kids & melissa broke the silence & said i think jordans the only one out of us who could be a war photographer & i asked why & she said because youre the only one stupid enough to be. & i actually took this as a compliment. as a whole i dont think people know enough about themselves & my goal is to put myself thru the most extreme conditions & to truly know the extent to which i can take my mind & my body. & so to add another thing to my ever growing list of goals, one of them is to be a war photographer at some point.
top 5 things i wish to accomplish before i die
1) visit every state, country & continent
2) go on tour with a band, hopefully somewhere in the southern united states or europe
3) be a published author
4) sky dive & bungee jump
5) be a war photographer

& for another list: top 5 things to do to keep yourself sane thru cold lonely winters
1) drink enormous amounts of coffee
2) repeatedly watch love actually
3) keep "dookie" "40 hour train back to penn" & the second half of "take off your pants & jacket" on repeat
4) reread every miserable book you read in high school ie: "love is a mixtape" "high fidelity" & "perks of being a wallflower"
5) put on another pot of coffee cuz its barely mid december

burn this mother fucker down

i woke up to it snowing today & that in & of itself made my day. but then aris decided to skip class & we holed ourselves up and watched love actually. certain things have been keeping me sane lately; love actually/pop punk/love is a mixtape/high fidelity. ive got a lot on my plate mentally these days. with every day passing, my 5 weeks in lancaster is coming closer & closer & im dreading it. ive been writing a lot, maybe a new book soon. class all day tomorrow, not looking forward to it, between the snow friends & movies today it was nice to have a little break.

f.o.d.

i know im in bad shape when ive got old school pop punk on repeat. around this time every year i hit an all time low. i cant avoid it and no matter how good im doing i just feel like shit and get depressed.
i havent remembered a dream since like 7th or 8th grade but last nite i woke up twice from nitemares. i woke up shivering and sweating and i couldnt breathe. it really scared me and im really hoping it ends soon