i wonder when it all starts to make sense

this shit is amazing

everyone should see this movie
& this movie
& read this book

im currently writing a few short fiction stories
& possibly a screenplay for a short movie
that id like to make this semester
or next
all of the above
obviously dealing with
heart break
alcoholism
"growing up"
& those few songs that make life ok

brooklyn on saturday

...and this is our last dance

when (if) i have a family
i want it to be exactly like melissas
they have all been insanely nice
& generous to me the past few days
& i cant put into words
how grateful of them
that i am

i saw this band tonite
& this guy read
2 of my favorite authors
i met wes eisold singer of the band above
while it was a good show
i would have much rather
seen him with give up the ghost
or some girls

i recently realized i really love architecture
& want to design my own house some day

ive started a new book again
in a completely new form
once again
ill see where it takes me

i want to start a band
that sounds like
bukowski
planes mistaken for stars
& joy division
getting in a fight
in brooklyn
beneath the L train
on a warm summer afternoon

we both know i dont deserve a thing

melissa & i found a place today
we move in the 15th

ive been moving a lot
the past few days
its been good for my mind
ive been writing a lot also

i really miss chelsea & sara
i finally got comfortable in dc
my last month there
& then im gone
but thats how life works

found out today
one of my best friends
from high school
will be in brooklyn
the same time as me

life works in weird ways

i am the avalanche
& taking back sundays "where you want to be"
describe my life completely right now

our statues will cast a shadow on this city

friday
i left sara & chelsea at the school
in a rushed goodbye
packed up
& left big blue in 15 minutes
chris & marin at the doorstep

a short stop in lancaster
i saw tara which is always good
& met old friends at the diner

saturday i dropped my stuff
at melissas house in jersey
& went to the city
i spent the day walking
saw a couple friends
& had a lot of random events
at one point i felt like i was
in the credits of a movie

i woke to black skies
& flooded gutters
walked around in the rain
for a few hours
& took the train back
to jersey

im in a weird mental state right now
im in transit
essentially homeless
& i left 3 amazing people behind in dc
i know im back in 6 months
but its a weird situation to be in

i need to start making art
ive written a lot in the past 48 hours
& taken a lot of notes

i am the avalanche on repeat

crimes

my life is in 4 boxes
sitting in the corner of my room right now
brand new is on repeat
while someone i care about
more than most things in life
is asleep next to me
& im realizing drinking alone
probably wasnt the best idea of the nite

i just had a flash back of a sunrise
on rehoboth beach
& the breakfast that followed

my place in brooklyn fell thru
again
so im dropping my shit
at melissas familys house in jersey
& just couch surfing thru new york
for the next couple weeks

my minds a tornadoe right now
i dont know how to feel
or what to think

a public speech on a public bus

i had an anxiety attack this evening
i move to brooklyn in 3 days
i have barely anything packed
i started something i cant finish
i have a migraine worse than ive had in a while
i had one to many screwdrivers
the other evening
& got in an argument
with someone i really care about
im fucking sick of working 9-5
& dealing with inconsiderate people

my minds exactly
how i would expect it to be
right now

flesh & blood

yesterday is what life is all about
marin (my german friend)
chris sara chelsea & myself
went to brunch
& did random errands
but because of the company
it was one of the best times
ive had in a while
& today sara moved to gtown u
to be an ra
& before shes done
im moving to brooklyn
& then marin goes back to germany
& its all over just like that

im cleaning out
& getting rid of 90%
of my books & cds
& if you know me
then you know
im having a terrible time

give em hell

the books on hold for the time being
i was making it
for the fact that
i was stuck in a continuous stumble
of sorts
but ive recently
fallen into something good
however i am moving to brooklyn
in 2 weeks
so we will see what happens

its amazing how certain situations
can change your understanding of things
less than jakes "hopeless case"
always seemed like a miserable
confession of fucking up
an open ended letter
stating all the reasons
its hard to wake up in the morning
but i realized the other day
its a letter to someone
who makes you feel worthy of living
no matter how bad you fuck up
or hate yourself
theyre there to help you
& love you
music is amazing sometimes

to remember or to forget

the show today was amazing
only 3 people showed up
& one of them was a kid from germany
doing an internship in dc
he will most likely be living with me
the next couple weeks
all the bands were amazing
& it was one of those
beautiful punk rock moments
we didnt have a pa
but everyone was screaming
& sweating
& sun pouring in thru the front windows
my ears are still ringing
all of them
were completely awesome guys
some of the nicest people ive ever met
& theyre now crowded
9 across
on my living room floor

i got to share a drink
with one of my oldest friends tonite
& it was awesome
& strangely fitting
& weve both come from the same background
& realized we dont need to be like others
we can do what we want
& still be us
& it was all a strangely beautiful day

my beds still prepared for two
i hope the citys treating you well

a road that never ends

ive been sharing a bed
the past few nites
& its been surprisingly nice

the books moving slower
but im getting there
its harder than you think
summing up 7 years
into 30 or so pages

pops is coming into town
tomorrow nite for dinner
& justins band will be here sunday
chris & sara are in california
til tuesday
the big blue house is empty again

hit or miss

going swimming
in the ocean
at 430 am
with some of your best friends
is one of the best things in the world

the books in the design stages
hopefully by this weekend
it will be done

im ready to be in ny
i have 4 weeks left in dc
im not trying to start anything
i cant finish
not that thats ever stopped me before

release the dogs

i found this today
& it further proves my theory
that kevin spacey can do no wrong

sara decided she was going home to ny
for a couple days
which leaves me alone in the big blue house
its equal parts awesome
& lonely

the writing of the book
has me pretty fucked up
mentally
im basically trying to condense
7 years of failed relationships
& its mildly overwhelming

possibly va beach this weekend
which would be nice

ill be sorry tomorrow

so i had one too many screwdrivers
& tried to kiss a girl
ive liked for almost two years
biked home alone
& punched two holes in the wall
& woke up with
<3 ass
on my arm
you win some
you lose some

im in a limbo state rite now
i need something
anything
to fight
to fuck
to scream
to cry
to love
to destory
to break
to create

i cant face the world anymore

im leaving dc august 1
while i know im going to miss
the big blue house
i cant fucking wait
to get the hell out

i cant say i blame you but i wish that i could

so i had one too many screwdrivers
made an ass out of myself
in front of a girl i really care about
forgot about a pint of vegan ice cream in my bag
& woke up to
what do you do when you cant stand yourself anymore
scribbled on my arm with sharpie
you win some
you lose some

a new book is in full swing
i have eight hours tomorrow
that i just plan on collecting
& scanning
& i hopefully will have it done
by the end of next weekend

taking back sunday "tell all your friends"

neverlasting

went to lancaster this past weekend
it had its highs & lows like usual
people have changed
including myself
theres no denying that time kills friendships
its just no one wants to admit it
not even a miserable bastard like myself

if you read this site you know my love of braid
bob nanna of braid has new band
& its amazing
the female vocals are such an amazing addition

the camp at corcoran that ive been organizing
for the past few weeks
started today
& it all went really well
we will see how the next 6 weeks go over

if all goes according to plan
im going to be spending
august thru january
in new york city
& ive decided to deal
almost exclusively with video

i dont know why
but im still amazed
at the way some people act
saw someone yesterday
& she said we still on for tomorrow
i said of course
i called & texted her today
no reply

alkaline trio "alkaline trio"
braid "movie music vol. 1"
gaslight anthem "sink or swim"
all on constant repeat

i lied my face off

play this album
24 hours a day
for 4 days
& then come talk to me
until then
leave me the fuck alone

name them after movie stars

recently watched
diner
& kiss kiss bang bang
both are added to my top 10 list

i want to be 20 in 1955
is that too much to ask?

i found this video at work today
& watched it at least 5 or 6 times in a row
also this video is slow at first
but the shot at 3:14 is absolutely amazing

i really want to start focusing on video
i love photography
but i want it to be an accessory in life
i dont want it to be my life

chris went to leesburg
sara was supposed to be home today
but is still in albany
aris went home with her boyfriend
mikey went home for a wedding
& everyone else is 21
ive had a lonely nite
& i have a meeting at 9 am
welcome to summer?

& lastly
it makes me sad
that shit like this
actually exists

barred for life

im going to apoligize for what follows
ive had a lot on my mind recently
& this is the dump for it
so the following will be haphazard
& long winded

i found this song the other day
fucking amazing
i lose my breathe a little
at 6:40 every time

with every blink182 video
that surfaces
i become less & less excited
about their reunion
tom still cant sing
& they just dont look like
theyre enjoying themselves

a thunderstorm everyday this week
has been pretty fucking solid

i was supposed to have
vegan meatloaf
& roasted asparagus
with a girlie tonite
but she never called
(story of my life)
so instead
i cooked for chris & tim
& watched control

with getting out of work
at 1 everyday
& not working nites & weekends
ive been cooking a lot more
& have really enjoyed it
& decided in the future
id really like to open
a vegan restaurant

ive been biking to georgetown everyday
between that
running
& other chores on the bike
im beat by the end of the nite
ive also cut all soda & coffee
from my diet

saras out of town til sunday
& chris may be leaving friday
which leaves a boring
next few days

saw the movie
wendy & lucy
the other nite
it was good
it made me really want to do a movie

once school starts again
im going to try
& really focus on
installations
& videos

the books coming together in pieces
just a lot of scraps of paper
& ideas at this point

i need out of dc soon
but i need a paycheck first

braid "frame & canvas"
modern life is war "witness"

what the fuck have you done

i want a girl thats like a taking back sunday song
or one like a nofx song
i want a relationship thats like a saves the day song
rancid or gaslight anthem work too
but i just keep finding myself in give up the ghost songs
with blood brothers girls

a weekend of highs & lows
add another name to each list
& wake up tomorrow
& keep moving forward

a book is seriously in the works
i havent felt this much need for ventilation
since february of senior year
& thats when shit collapsed
& i made a work im still proud of
which is rare for me

im extremely restless
i thought i had it worked out
a semi routine
that offered a regular smile

when you feel safest
is when you are most vulnerable

same story
different girl

my life my war

there is no greater feeling
than a good run
in a downpour

i stumbled into a semi strangers bed
& woke up infatuated

fuck complications

headached heads

i was talking with a friend the other nite
& she asked me what my ultimate career was
& i said i just wanted to wander
& i never wanted a true career
& she told me all sorts of noble careers
she is hoping to obtain
& then she said she wishes
she had the guts to not have plans or goals like me
& i said its its only cuz
i dont have the guts
to put in the commitment it takes to have a career

chris walker moved out of the big blue house
so im living in his room for the summer
a bed my desk & a stereo
thats all i need

people complain of shit
being confusing & complicated
but its only that way because you make it
& you thrive off of it
just keep life simple
go where you wanna go
do what you want
& kiss who you please
lifes to short for petty bullshit

big stuff on the horizon
a musical/ poetry/ photography release
between a fellow artist & myself
a book of collected works thus far in my life
& a hopefully a release or two from a couple bands

give up the ghost on repeat

pictures apoligies

this bed has simply become
a milemarker
keeping tabs on the number of times
i fail
a record of the people im not with
& the places im not seeing

wastin time

theres not much better
than 3 days at the beach with your dad
then driving home
blasting green day & blink 182
with a cute girl waiting for your arrival

the world at our fingertips

ive spent so many nites
on couches & floors
i cant even sleep in my own bed anymore
it just isnt comfortable
i want to be moving & traveling
i dont want to be in this house
around these people
in this city
i want a new life
i just dont have the guts to go for it

home is where you make it

im back in dc
& while im not excited to be back
i am excited for all i hope to accomplish
this summer
this trip was extremely inspiring

jackson mississippi
was the highlight of the trip
we were only going to spend a nite
but we ended up sticking around for another nite
everyone there was amazing
& the city was beautiful as well
& jumping off dune barriers
into a river the color of shit
with mississippi teens
will forever be a highlight in my life

we survived
serial killer/ scary movie like events
in savannah
& drank with bike punks in richmond
but now were back to the district
& daily lives

its gonna be the summer of doing amazing shit

i keep goin round

sara wasnt feeling well 

so i drove from maryland 

to nashville

11 hours is a long time to drive

we almost died in west virginia

sandwiched between an 18 wheeler & a moving truck

some how i got us out alive

nashvilles really gorgeous 

we went downtown yesterday 

& walked around

leaving for jackson mississippi 

in about half an hour

were staying with a photography

who lives in a group house

theres nothing more in life

i love more than traveling

it just clears my head

& leaves me relaxed 

& without a care in the world

the keystone of a crumbling life

being back in lancaster is weird
ive never brought anyone from school
back with me for an extended period of time
showing sara around was fun
& it brought back a lot of good memories
& while it was an amazing nite
a departure time of 10 am tomorrow
sounds perfect

tyler justin gustav & bethany
are always good times
& having sara along only made it all better

& i swear to god
taras hugs can cure cancer
ive gotten more from hugging her
than i have from sleeping with some girls

nashville tomorrow
& a horseshoe of the south to follow

taking back sunday
& less than jake
on repeat

before i lose everything

all these cars passin by
& none of them seem to go my way

in nyc & I've never felt more lonely

717 today

the bible belt tomorrow

a gift i dont deserve

have heart just announced
they are breaking up
after their current world tour
that means ill be
in philly 8/14
& nyc 9/12

i found these guys
in mrr in like 10th grade
immediately got their 7 inch
& convinced my dad to hook up
his record player
so i could listen to it

i like a ton of the bands i do today
because of these guys

one circle ends
& another begins

the south
is screaming my name
thru treadless tires
& hot pavement

scabby knees

spent the nite
talking with someone
ive only met once before
& it was good to have conversation
pick up
where it left off months ago

a bike trip got canceled
because of logistics
& a car trip has now taken its place

im officially done with
my sophomore year of college
weird

i should be on trial

& sometimes you just get drunk alone
on a monday nite
& watch a canadian romantic comedy
about fucked up relationships
called
young people fucking

im done til wednesday at 6 when i have a crit
& after that crit
im officially done with my sophomore year
i never thought id make it this far

lawrence arms have announced a show
in chicago towards the end of october
as of now im totally going

all i want this summer
is a punk girl
who doesnt smell too much
to go to shows with
watch movies with
make vegan dinner with
& make out with
is that really so much to ask?

antisocial? middlename

sometimes life is weird
tonite was my last nite at bertuccis
a place ive worked for a year & a half
i closed
cashed out
clocked out
& biked home
the same i would any other nite
nothing different
& no one knowing i wouldnt be returning

i wanted to ask out a coworker
but we all know how that story ends

2 weeks from now i hope to be far south

i love working in restaurants
but a 4 month break will be nice

my mind & daily life
have been fucked up lately
but a ghost from the past

bought dookie on vinyl today
so the saga continues
i swear im going to be buried
with a copy of that thing

saving myself for something beautifully true

another nite of high hopes
& low self esteems

crit today went well
nothing said that i wasnt expecting

i need summer
& to see about a dozen other state
& ill be ok

what the fuck do i continuously do wrong?

its not the exs that fuck your life & head up
its the ones you never even had

fingers sticks of dynamite

lifes a shit show rite now
my class hangs our first show monday
were all freaking out a little
when im done ill post the video on youtube
heres the other video i made for the last project
trying to figure out summer
& various trips
as well as trying trying
to finish finals
is not good for ones mental health

currently playing
none more black "this is satire"
lawrence arms "cocktails & dreams"
less than jake "anthem"

scratch my name in the table

i was at school today
for roughly 19 hours
& have nothing to show for it

allergies are destroying my life

when you have dreams about the apocalypse
it should be a sign your day is gonna be shit

back in the city

im looking to do a new zine series
one month
each one having a separate theme
now its just a matter of finding the time

i got two fish from my dad
cocktails & dreams are now part of
the big blue house family

it was a lazy sunday
vegan brunch
then drove to school
hung around
had thai for lunch
then helped sara shoot some
it was a nice way to start the next 3 weeks

she never called
i knew she wouldnt
but i was still a little suprised

also
i wouldnt advise
watching your parents home movies
from when they were kids
its just a weird experience

cocktails & dreams

va beach iv filled with
a million different emotions for me
this entire past summer
coupled with a cousin who committed suicide
& a dad who is 50 & living with his sister
does not make for an enjoyable weekend

taking back sunday blasted on the way there
& lawrence arms on the way back to dc

a new unicorn
great
another girl to keep me awake at nite

2 nites ago i had a dream about lauryn
since then ive been fucked in the head

the ocean water tastes like your spit
& the air smells like your hair

more later

unicorns & rum

at what point is it appropriate
to laugh at the joke
your life has become

quit while youre ahead

cut your losses
& hope for the best

va beach this weekend
should be fun
i need out of dc

2 girls have been
tearing my mind to bits lately

all i want to do
is lay in bed
& watch the wonder years
then life would be ok

basketcase

i decided today
im saving for a hasselblad 503c
with the discount
its going to be roughly 3700
hopefully by the end of summer
donations are much appreciated

also green day is still to this day
one of the best bands ever

sincerely me

instead of going to a pop punk show
with a friend i havent seen in a while
i ended up making a new chap book
of recent poems & photos
edition of 10
all called for/decided for
titled please drive faster

i dont know who the fuck reads this
but if you do im assuming you know
that all my books tend be based
on a relationship thats failed
in the recent past
well this chap book
is a what the fuck am i doing
of the recent past
the relationship opportunities
that i have had
i havent wanted
& the relationship opportunities
i have wanted
i havent had the chance at

while i enjoyed making a new chap book
i still would have rather
gone to the show

in high school i made friends
zines & chap books
under the name zero zero press
& i miss sharing that creative process
so ive decided to start an all encompssing
media outlet i guess is the best term for it
no roses no skies
please drive faster
is the first title under this name
hopefully to come will be
more chap books/ zines
hopefully some real published books
& even higher hopes
of eventually putting out some records
if you want to get involved
or have anything to contribute
definitely get in touch

from this day on

i didnt think it was possible
to be let down
if you never
got your hopes up
to begin with

wash me away

i realized today
that art school
is not for people
who have a low self esteem

im questioning all sorts
of everything right now

my next four weeks
are going to be hell
i have so much to do

planning of the georgia bike trip
has begun

i just need summer

running on empty

ive decided
once i move away from a place
im never moving back

it finally hit me today
how mentally fucked up
i really am
ive left every girl ive ever been with
because id convinced myself
they were unhappy
simply for the fact
that i personally
couldnt believe
that there was any way
they could be happy with me

theres a three girls
that i still think about on a daily basis
& only reason why
(most likely)
is because i never got the chance with them
& i continuously wonder
if one of them was maybe

if i know i end
everything i start
why am i continuously searching
for new beginnings?

play none more black "this is satire"
& mewithoutYou "brother, sister"
simultaneously
at incredibly loud decibels
& youll understand
my mental & physical state
of the past week

please drive faster

anything easy
isnt worth having

projects are brewing
my photo final will hopefully
be a photo/video/ installation piece

i finally realized why i love pop punk
its fucking amazing to run to

who knew the girl from xiu xiu
was so fucking gorgeous
& being in xiu xiu
doesnt hurt either

steve & i had another good
few hour conversation tonite after work
hes slowly become one of my best friends
& i only see him at work
& hes 7 years older then me
but he helps me sort out
all the fucked up shit in my head

got a text a from a friend the other nite
new found glory & set your goals in baltimore
how else can you respond to a text like that
except with
fuck yea

knowing that one day
ill be able to drive around again
listening to gaslight anthem
& insane volumes
makes me sleep easy at nite

no roses no skies

ive slept about 4 hours
in the past 55
some how im still functioning
it was to finish up a project
& it was completely worth it
maybe a new direction
i guess i will find out

ran into an
acquaintance/ huge crush today
& it just made me lonely
i wanted to talk to her
& ask her to hang out
instead i mumbled & stuttered
a few meaningless words/ phrases
she has a life & possibly person she likes
while i spend my days
mindfucking myself
& my nites not sleeping
in order to make art

you win some
you lose some

wishful puppeteer

ive been kicking my own ass
with projects lately
a couple installations
a video & sound piece
if you can keep your head
everything will work out

allergy season is here in full swing

i decided today
im enjoying the vegan thing
its been like 2 months now
& its going well
vegan pancakes
are the best thing to wake up to
& vegan chicken salad
is pretty good as well

well things are good
my mind is still
a wrecking ball
out of control

ps if you dont like the lawrence arms
i cant be your friend

its over im gone

i want to quit everything
move to kansas
& be a post man
live in a tiny house by myself
& watch the sunset every nite
over empty midwest fields

in search of augustine

sometime in high school
maybe junior year
i developed in my mind
exactly the type of girl
that i want to be with
personality look attitude
everything
the problem thus far
isnt that i havent found this girl
its that when i do
shes going to be way out of my league
& want absolutely nothing to do with me

still trying to change

listen to this band

ive decided im going to start posting
more of my photo projects on here
i know no one reads this
but it helps me sort shit out

wash me away

lets place a pipebomb
in the middle of everything you know
& count to three

a high school crush
& a present day mind fuck
have been equally eating me alive
& slowly birthing ideas
worth the headaches?

im reading at plan b tomorrow
i have nothing new since the last reading
so it looks like all ill be doing tomorrow
is writing

our arms will sing

im restless
i wanna create something amazing
i wanna make something new
something worthwhile

the weekend ended up being not so bad
driving home from gaslight anthem
kelly in the passenger seat
a dense layer of fog covering everything
was better than the actual show
skipping work yesterday to be around friends
was completely worth any repercussions
heart to hearts with best friends
are still one of my favorite ways
to spend time

irony is crying

you win some
you lose some

because of a few events
my weekend has turned into
one nite
im seeing gaslight anthem saturday
number 12 & converge are out of the picture
which this will be the third time
for each band
of me planing on seeing them
even having tickets
& missing the show for one reason or another

braids been on repeat for about two weeks now

im trying to change
i really fucking am

sleep it off

i dont know why i actually think
people would want to be around me
i dont even want to be around myself
after any conversation i have
i usually regret about 90% of what i said
none of my stories
are entertaining funny or even unique
theyre all selfish
& mind numbingly boring
i fixate on people ill never have
& in all honsety probably dont actually want

in other news
i wrote a new poem for a school thing
& i really like it so i thought id share

please drive faster

a pokerfaced wet dream
in the back of a car
heading south
fingers & wrists
square knotted
brainstorming
migraine hurricanes
of daydreams
punch drunk
horizon bound
between clotheslines
& closed blinds
aspirations
of sleeping with the prom queen
from community college
were comparing purchases
with the homeless
in drug store parking lots
stitching our names
to the wings
of paper planes
with noses bent
& broken
headed
for a virgins bed frame
sheets freshly unstitched
kissing in ways
that make a teen seamstress blush
a bloody mess
of alcohol & bathroom stalls
shes cussing & cursing the nite
swearing she will swear off regret in the morning
if i had the chance
id be the mississippi
bisecting lovers
apartments
as organs
have you ever heard
a song
so sad
torn telephone wires
encircling raw knuckles
id splice every connection
with yellowing teeth
ive got the keys to the car
but im gonna keep us in park

please drive faster

another 1000+ mile trip
5 nites of concrete floors
meeting more of saras friends
than ive had friends in life thus far
blink 182 mark tom travis show on repeat
& just trying to fucking figure shit out

boston was amazing
but cant imagine living there
worcester was scary
sunset on the beach in cape cod
surrounded by seagulls
made the entire trip worthwhile
albany was cold & kinda shitty
& i always enjoy brooklyn

been in contact
with a few people in the past week
who i shouldnt have been
&/or never thought i would be again

dinner with my mom in manhattan
she got drunk on wine
& i told her everything
ive held in for the past 18 years
i thought she took it well
til she started crying

i leave for nyc thursday nite
the number 12 in nj friday nite
gaslight anthem in philly saturday nite
& converge in philly sunday nite

this past week just reassured in me
the fact that i never want a real job
& i wanna see anything & everything
& go everywhere

fuck the diagnosis
fuck the critics

i keep you around to remind myself what i never want to become

i can let most shit roll off my back
& i dont really give a fuck
but two people in this world
really know how to piss me off
& always do
& its two people
who you would think
the last thing theyd want to do
is piss me off

boysetsfire "rookie"
coming on shuffle
when you hate the world
is called bittersweet justice
adventure ensues
at 3 pm est tomorrow

i want a partner in a crime

feels like your choking me

i was recently talking with someone
who said that they hated
the getting to know you parts of relationships
the in between so to speak
& it finally dawned on me
thats the only part i do like
those first stories that you know
theyve only previously shared
with a hand full of people
the first nite spent at that persons place
trying to keep comfortable for eight hours
in a twin bed
in the early days of a humid september
clammy skin sticking to clammy skin
sharing songs
& movies
& books
& all niters just spilling it all
& thats where it ends for me
after a few sleep overs
a few all nite no punches pulled conversations
a shared speechless moment during that one song
& then i lose it
the thought of actually dating this person
& having it maybe last even a little bit
any routine or obligation
completely kills it for me
but by cutting these things short
before they even start
im continuously plagued
thinking of what
couldve & wouldve been

kiss it to death

a pocket full of "fuck you toos"
& a voice thats dead on arrival
im sleeping with movie stars
for the chance of being
remembered in the books of history

allergy season has begun

braid is one of the greatest bands of all time

best friends
long drives
& good music
can make every shitty thing in life
completely disappear

one day at a time

at some point in 10th grade
i wrote a poem titled b-side
which started with the lines

i want everything
i dont have
& everything i have
i dont want

you would think some four years later
that something in my life would have changed
but thats where youre wrong

i still have zero motivation for school
i dont want to be here
& i have no project ideas

sara & i are going to boston for spring break
ive never been
& she has friends there

im focused on ghosts of the past
inconsiderate of fresh hearts
& damning the future

its a nite when you put gaslight anthem on repeat
& hope you can get some sleep

if we never meet again it would be to soon

i wanna create something worth while
change some high school fuckers life

i fucking hate art school

cuttin teeth cuttin ties

another project done
& still the only thing i can think
is that i dont want to be here
with every project i think it will change
but it never does

ive stopped talking to a lot of people
& i am completely satisfied
with knowing i will never
see or speak to those people again

maybe all this is because
ive been reading bukowski lately

& i whole heartedly believe
that thursdays new album
has changed the face of the planet

nuns with vices

so if all works out
i will be in portland oregon
from august til december of this year
it will give me a chance
to get away from
everyone & everything

thursday "common existence" is still in heavy rotation

the knife

what do you do
when you finally realize
youre the type of person
that you hate

feed the fire

im fine with cutting people out of my life
but theres still those few people
that i wake up
thinking about every morning
it hurts the same everyday

to those i hurt
im sorry

deftones "white pony"

& the people sang

ive been writing more
i read at transformer gallery last nite
& it went over well
hopefully i can read more often
in the not to distant future

my ipod had a seizure yesterday morning
im freaking out a little with out it

the new thursday album is amazing

life rite now is very similar
to the good lifes "album of the year"
the only thing is
the song doesnt have a happy ending
& the part of that that worries me
is the fact that i cant decide
if thats good or bad

ugly valentine

getting your hopes up
is worse than sleeping alone

im a wreck im a mess

a guy i work with
& i talked for a while
after work tonite
& i realized ive got alot
of fucked up social problems

my dads coming thursday
& bethany friday
should be an interesting week

i cant open up

looks like i lost the eagerness first

sometimes its ok to hate yourself

bayside & black flag on heavy rotation

im looking to go camping over spring break
possibly north carolina
florida
or northern pa

a sign there may actually be a god?

blink 182 is back together
& planning a summer album

finish it

ive been missing va beach & my dad a lot lately

since monday at 6
life has been highs & lows
with no middle ground whatsoever

thursdays new album is on constant repeat
& it destroys anything
youve ever heard or felt before

i finally found someone who is as eager as i am
but now im nervous
because i know how quickly
that eagerness can fade

every dog has its day

new loves
new fights
fresh drinks
fresh lips

when you go to bed before 4 am
you just arent having fun

my fever is gone & so are you

friday march 27
the number 12 looks like you
south hackensack new jersey

saturday march 28
gaslight anthem
troc philly

sunday march 29
converge
unitarian church philly

quite possibly the best weekend of my life

not if but when

new book
ten photos
ten poems
each photo/poem
based on a past
failed relationship
friend &/or lover
print edition of ten
full color
hand sewn
just another step
in digging yourself out
of a self dug grave

i need to feel you near me

i just want to live by myself
in some little midwest town
in a studio apartment
my mattress on the floor
record player in the corner
& bookshelves against the wall
& i want to be a waiter
& live a quiet life
& not no anyone
or form any connections

who are you kidding

i cant relate to a middle class white girl
who likes the same shit as me
& is going to college also

let alone a girl born in ethiopia
living in america
working for a living
to pay for food & shelter

i saw my future this past week
i worked everyday 11am to 11 pm
came home
passed out
& went back to work the next morning
it wasnt so bad

do we go on alone?

its one of those nites
when you say fuck it
& just give up

im down for whatever

i realized recently
how much music completely effects my life

im still caught up over a girl
(who wants nothing to do with me)
because we spent a nite
lying on her living room floor
playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk music
that normally gets us laughed at

i have a mix i made
march of last year
that i still listen to frequently
& i remember the girl i made it for
& the girl i made it because of it
& the endless nites i spent running
in dc/ pa/ & virginia beach
listening to it

& ive come to terms
in the past couple weeks
that i really hurt someone
& i saw the person tonite
& its the same awkward situation
ive been in a million times
except on the otherside
& i didnt know what to do or say
so i biked home
& laid in bed & listened
to the get up kids
& while this doesnt make the situation
any different
it brings a certain level of personal contentness

a boy trapped in the body of a man

restless
unmotivated
confused
hypocritical
repressed
rude
pissed
static

ive been back three days
& im done
i was excited to be back in dc
that feelings gone
i need to wake to snow storms in rochester
seagulls in brooklyn
a different sleeping situation every nite
i need to meet someone new
i was talked into having dinner tonite
with someone i dont really want to see again

i buzzed my head
hoping the change would bring
some level of comfort
fail

fuck dc during inauguration
half the cities
closed down or blocked off
& cops are douche bags

paranoid about a fuck me dress

im back in dc
while the trip was amazing
its good to be back
but i have a feeling
this state of contention
wont last long

the florida trips off
the funds arent there
on my or my fathers side

im working on changing
i dont like a lot about myself
& i have the power to change
so im going to

i traveled almost two thousand miles
in two weeks
hopefully spring break will see just as many miles

they call holidays an option for good reason

sometimes things take a little a while
tonite was meant to happen
& it made this fairly shitty week
completely ok & worthwhile

life is a movie sometimes

im in dc tomorrow
nyc sunday
& canada there after

ive never been one for new years
my own personal new years
is usually around april 10

but a few albums have really been there for me this year
so i thought id make a list
1) the gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
2) polar bear club "sometimes things just disappear"
3) dillinger four "civil war"
4) la grecia "on parallels"

ive had a year of ups & downs
but if tonites any indicator of the future
2009 should be pretty amazing

my fists in the air

telling someone who thinks they can do no wrong
exactly what theyve done wrong
is just a waste of your own breath & time
all you can do
is learn from them
& make sure you dont follow in their footsteps

ive never been one to just sit back
& let shit happen
ive made a life of calling people out
on their shit
but this time
im biting my tongue
& i can only assume
ill be tasting blood

keeping the peace
in a war torn state

ive never been
& never will be
who you need
or want me to be

ive watched the 2nd season
of how i met your mother
& am about half way done with season 3

i am not anything

its a weird feeling that comes over me
when the big blue house is empty
my bed is in the front bay window
when i lay down
the rest of the house is before me
& it feels like an infinite calm

lancaster tomorrow
im going into it with the best intentions

my music purchases have been a bit ridiculous

im ready to be traveling
this time next week
ill be in monroe new york with sara
& soon after niagra falls
& possibly toronto
its a pretty open ended trip
which is the only way i can imagine it being

im going to try & sleep some tonite
im taking the train tomorrow
& i always have mild anxiety with trains
planes buses cars are all fine
but i fucking hate trains

silence is hard to find

shorebirds "its gonna get ugly" owns

random adventures with best friends
in other peoples cars
is the best way to spend an afternoon

i need snow
& i need it now

the roommates will all be gone
by tomorrow when i wake up
& i cant decide
if im happy or sad

i cant wait for break
adventures with sara
& a roadtrip with my dad
& 4 days in lancaster
sounds like an awesome fucking time

too much caffeine in the blood stream

the semesters over
its nice but also weird
i was continuously moving for 3 weeks
& now suddenly it all comes to a dead halt

my photo final went over well
everyone liked it
i still dont

lancaster
this time next week
should be interesting
considering i wont have a car

i cant wait to be traveling

im saving this seat for you

i went to a formal last nite
having no previous knowledge of what a formal was
i agreed then realized what i had gotten myself into
i never went to a dance in high school
so i felt like this would be a learning experience
& i learned i didnt miss out on anything by not going

also when my "date" answered her door
she looked me up & down
& said
you look like the fucking unabomber
thats how i do formal i guess

it took me a while to get into the new dillinger four
but now that i am
its all i can listen to

fiddling while rome burns

im an asshole because i care
when a girl im attracted to
shows any possibility
of even coming close to reciprocating
any interest
i become an asshole
& make rude & mean comments
its my defense mechanism
to save me or her
ive yet to figure out

over winter break im going to niagra falls & florida

im trying to do a lot
& change alot

the book will hopefully be a fairly intense project
concepts
titles
inspirations
everything slowly coming together

currently listening
less than jake "in with the out crowd"

picking poisons & talking shit

i fucked up again
kind of ironic
that i realize this
while in the process
of completing a series
based on my ability
to continually destroy
any sort of relationship im in

listening:
the number twelve looks like you "mongrel"
circle takes the square "as the roots undo"
planes mistaken for stars "up in them guts"

everyones back in the house
& its really weird
i really enjoyed having the house to myself

freaks & geeks is done
it made me really nostalgic for high school
which if you know me
is a rare thing
but it laid the groundwork for some inspiration
so ill see where it takes me

lots of thinking happened over the past few days
& im really going to start trying to make some changes

you told me once i made you smile

but we both know damn well i didnt

this has been one of the best breaks ive ever had

motivational talks that last til 5 am
& commence at 7 am
are really fucking tiring
but well worth every word & minute

im half way thru watching the entire series of freaks & geeks
& it wrecks my life

my music purchases are still way out of hand

im scheming & dreaming

im looking to go to new england sometime soon
& im trying for la over spring break

currently playing
modern life is war "midnight in america"
hop along, queen ansleis "freshman year"
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them

im at that point in my life again
where im reading ridiculous amounts
of rollins & bukowski

a house is not a home

the big blue house is empty tonite
& will be til saturday or sunday
everyone went home for thanksgiving

im looking to do a new book soon
im slowly gathering inspirations
poetry/ essays/ photos/ design
hopefully a delicate combination of all of the above

its going to be nice to not see the same people
for a few days

ive been thinking a lot about next year recently
trying to figure out what im going to be doing
ive got a few ideas
but i think im going to keep them to myself

you cant let false hopes & meaning less notes get you down

my new unicorn

currently listening
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them"
braid "frame & canvas"
alkaline trio "remains"

greatness aint no race

my gaslight anthem & braid vinyl came today
things are looking up
i dont know why people kid themselves
vinyl is the only medium worthwhile

gaslight anthem has had an effect on me
not seen since give up the ghost

im excited about my new photo project
it deals with real life shit
as opposed to just being good photos

new writings in the works

my dad called me today
& asked if id want to go
on a roadtrip over winter break
in that instant
some of the pieces of life
fell into place

i wish the 59 sound would have come out
my senior year of high school
because its the perfect album
for driving around on cold winter nites
singing along with your friends
but im making the best
of sitting alone in my living room
thinking about two girls

anyone who reads this
knows ive been kinda shitty as of late
well i just found video
of the get up kids reunion
from this past weekend
& this is the capper on 3 shitty weeks

corey chris & i were talking last nite
about a girl i recently met
& corey said i should just play hard to get
& chris said what i was thinking in my head
when jordan plays hard to get
he never hears from them again

my music collection is growing
while my bank account dwindles
as sara stated last nite
music is my crack

i need out of dc soon
im trying to figure out a niagra falls trip

i want to be half the person atticus finch is

our first party went well
nothing broke
no one cried
& clean up was easy
i was surprised

last nite i made my 6th purchase
of give up the ghost "were down til were underground"

i dont know what im doing

ive been pretty miserable as of late
so i went to the record store tonite
& got 6 cds
2 records
& a 7 inch
i kill my misery with music

im counting the days til
braid /frames & canvas
& gaslight anthem /sink or swim & 59 sound
hit my doorstep

everyday it gets harder & harder to get out of bed

the big blue house is hosting a party saturday nite
i usually leave parties early
so it will be interesting to see
where i run to this time around

the last time i listened to elliotts "false cathedrals"
i was in my car
fogging the windows
with a girl who shouldnt have been talking to me
let alone making out with me

her & i dont talk anymore
& my car has since been sold
but calvary song
still makes my heart swell
& throat clench up

keep pushing on

i still cant get to sleep
& when i do its only for a short time

ive been writing in short bursts

i finished my big photo project
but i dont feel relieved at all
two more still to be finished

i hate the holidays
but im excited for xmas in the big blue house

i miss autumn in suburbia

hot water music "bleeder" at 33 rpm
is about all that gets me thru the days lately

im confused how you can share certain moments with people
fresh smiles
amazing laughs
new hope
& then just stop talking for days on end

i realized tonite that im "that guy"
when girls are talking about that bad date
when friends talk about the person who hangs around but they dont want there
when people talk about the kid who talks to much about dumb shit
im that guy

im going to talk less
do more
& be more of the person i want to be

the simplicity is beautiful

merely minutes after the results of the election were in
sirens car horns & voices
were all screaming in unison
the area in which i live
erupted with people
stopping traffic
& flooding the street
the amount of love & unity to go around was amazing
i hope it was all for good reason

certain situations lately have not been in my favor
& someone everyday since last thursday
has told me im awkward or made fun of my voice
like ive never heard either before

& proof of how fucked up i am rite now mentally
im giving away
give up the ghost "were down til were underground"
& gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
either im desperate or just a fucking moron

hot water music "bleeder"
lawrence arms "like a record player"

my beds emptier than its ever been
what the fuck am i doing wrong

recently playing
braid "lucky to be alive"
lawrence arms "oh! calcutta!"
the smiths "louder than bombs"

one thing ive never said

i cant read people for shit
i spent the nite playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk that most people
laugh at me for liking
& i realize now i should have stayed
instead i slept alone again

& finding a new job
is the shittiest thing ever