so much has changed 

it seems

nothing ever changes

a few days ago

i was a 747 

hitting a bullet train

now 

im the aftermath of that

try hard not to walk away

my new video is done

a few days of no sleep

& some sweet wounds

new project is entitled

i hereby apologize for the damage done

photo portion is still in the works

i have scanning & printing to do this week

titled please dont leave me

& the third part 

is going to be a book of some sort

words images maybe some design

not sure yet

but the working title is

anyone else isnt you

basically im finally accepting 

the fact that

im an extreme codependent

with extreme commitment issues

i also recently had an ex 

tell me that

her need for therapy 

could be pinpointed to me

i figured i should start 

dealing with some shit

the damage done

i filmed a video/performance
monday nite
better results than i expected
but i have to reshoot it
tonite
ill post it this weekend sometime
hopefully

ive met a couple friends
& its been good for my mental stability

lots of inspiration as of late

its rare that i like an artists
entire body of work
but these are gorgeous

makes me miss the south

this just makes me happy

this girl comes into my cafe

i want a photo of myself
looking exactly like this

gorgeous

badass

perfection in photo form

my chemical romance
"three cheers for sweet revenge"
has been on repeat
& im strangely ok with that

work is slowly being made
crit friday
i hope i get destroyed
i seem to make better art
when no one else likes it at first

whats the fun in life
if there isnt a fight?

the chandelier swing

adding to the list of holy fuck moments

lars frederiksen of rancid

just happened to stroll into

the cafe where i work

tonight

i stood there speechless

& mumbled something of a thanks

& was in shock for a bit

& for the rest of the nite

...and out come the wolves was on repeat

its been a while 

since ive had an all niter

in the name of art

& its kind of refreshing

my mind right now

is a 747 hitting a bullet train head on

broken glass & razorwire

currently in dc

its nice to be here

but its also nice to know 

ill be leaving in a couple days

still mentally fucked

not unhappy

but also not very happy

i have midsemester crit

next week for my studio program

im going to have a few images

& hopefully a video

which by the end of the semester 

will become a 3 part series entitled

please dont leave me

comprised of 10-15 photos

a video

& a book

but we will see where this ends up

you can never say

i dont have good intentions

less than jake

dillinger four

senses fail

taking back sunday

all on repeat

basically anything 

with self deprecating lyrics

& is embarassing to tell people

you still listen to

this guy knows how to make art

im in constant search 

of something else

& i dont know if its

dedication

or stupidity

this joke isnt funny anymore

dear new york

you are a fucking shit hole cesspool

im not really sure what anyone ever saw in you

sincerely

jordan

cue less than jake "anthem"

&/or hot water music "caution"

can you unsink a ship

im starting to wonder
if theres something
seriously mentally wrong with me
the high & lows
happen so quick these days
i was extremely happy
with the last 8-10 rolls of film
that i shot
but i had 2 one on ones today
one with a critic/ teacher
& one with a visiting artist
neither went well
& so in my mind
those rolls mean nothing
theyre done & the negatives are gone
you move on i guess

im also coming to realize
just how much of a codependent i am
but also how much
of a commitment problem i have

instead of facing any of this shit
im ending my nite
with a drink in one hand
& hot water musics "caution"
lyric sheet in the other

medication

melissas 21st was today
which is bad for my wallet
& my liver

spent the day drinking
with amazing people

a few projects completely coming together

this dude knows how to take a photo

jealous

for sara

all good things must come to an end

prepare to lose a few hours

its amazing how one persons voice
can change around an entire weekend
of thinking

i shot 11 or 12 rolls of film this weekend
im bound to get something

too much caffeine

i realized three things in the past couple days

i never really liked the show friends
i didnt hate it either
but being in ny
i watch it almost every nite
it just always seems to be on
& for some reason i always decide to watch it

i will never like iphones
except for the fact
that they create awesome moments
ti laugh at while bored on the subway
you wouldnt believe
how many drunk girls
want to take goofy pictures
of their less drunk boyfriends

my love of the smiths started with a book
not an album
in 9th great i read
perks of being a wallflower
about 9 million times
& mentioned repeatedly was
the smiths "asleep"
it would still be 2 years
before i finally purchased a smiths album
my love for the smiths is completely voyeuristic
while i do enjoy them
they never had the effect on me
that they seem to have had on everyone else
but for some reason the everyone else
has a had a huge effect on me
joe menos "meat is murder"
& marc spitzs "how soon is never"
are two of my favorite books
that ive read numerous times of the years
for a 6 month period i left menos
in my bag
& would just break it out when i was bored
broadway calls does a cover of
a rush & a push & the land is ours
& everytime i listen to it
im left speechless & mildly heart broken
that they didnt just cover the album
when i listen to the smiths version
im lucky if i make it the whole way thru
i once wanted to date a girl once
because she was obsessed with the smiths
& i thought this was a good personality trait
& we spent a nite on the floor
morrissey vinyl slowly spinning around & around
i was also greatly intimidated
by a girl i go to school with
when i found out she liked morrissey
a great desire to be her friend
slowly emerged
i love books about the smiths
& covers of their songs
& their fans
way more then i will ever actually like them

2 projects in the works

already planning my trip
to germany next summer

holidays/ options

melissa & i surprised everyone in dc
took the bus down friday nite
showed up
just in time for the german kids
going away party

it was good to see everyone
& while i miss everyone a lot
im glad im in new york right now
i wasnt liking it
up until this past weekend
i realized yea dcs something to miss
but it will be there when i go back in january
but im going to live in ny once

im starting a new project
i guess not new
because its still based on
my overall sense of fucked up relationships
but i have some new ideas

i didnt get to see everyone i wanted
but ill be back in a few months

im really sick
nose is runny
throat sore
i hit my head at some point this weekend
& ive had an off & on headache since
& i cant seem to get enough sleep

wild hearts

this is crazy
this is amazing
this mans work is amazing

i scanned a bunch of negatives today
you can see them here
its amazing how fast things can turn around

im meeting with the guys of morning breath tomorrow
im hoping to do a story about them

a photo book is possibly in the works
fully dependent upon my mental state
&/or alcohol consumption
over the next few weeks

fuck art let dance

i dont know why i ever thought
i could be an artist
im a photographer at best

a perpetual limbo scene

i cant be in a healthy relationship

im a codependent to the fullest extent

some nites you say fuck it
drop everything
go home
& get drunk alone watching shitty tv
i feel like i have more of these nites
than anyone else i know

im not doing any books
no video
no installations
im just taking boring photos

if i had any balls
id drop the fuck out
this is useless

im my own fucking albatross

p.s. new york is burning

punk rock is the most amazing thing in the world
a guy came in to my cafe tonight
& i noticed he had the sabot records logo
tattooed on his inner wrist
i mentioned it
& he said his old band started it
this old band being
against me!
& hes now in a band with
blake schwarzenbach of jawbreaker
who about half an hour later
walked in & ordered a black coffee
my heart started beating faster
my palms were sweaty
i gave him coffee for free
it was the least i could do
new york totally redeemed itself
in a matter of 3 seconds

this is a total ramble
but you try collecting your thoughts
after two of your favorite musicians
just happen to walk into your place of business

im trying to make art
i cant really figure out if its happening or not

dead weight

marin & chelsea were here this past weekend
we all went to coney island
& it was crowded
& windy as fuck
but amazing
i love when you find a go0d group of friends
its just weird knowing ones 300 miles south
& the others halfway around the world

my programs started
& its mildly overwhelming
i have open range
to just make art for 4 months
should be interesting

the new polar bear club is amazing

john cusack can do no wrong

sara chris & marin are coming up this weekend
have heart blacklisted & crime in stereo
should be amazing

new books kind of happening
kind of not
hopefully done soon

blue & yellow

there are very few people in life
that you meet
& immediately know the importance
they will have on you as a person
marin falls into this category
he got off the bus last nite at 1030
& by 1045 we were in deep conversation
about music & books
& he is the only other person
ive ever met
that feels & talks about music
the way i do

chelsea comes tonite

i start my program on tuesday

& next weekend
chris sara aris & marin
are coming up
& im going to see
have heart play one of there last shows

its amazing how fast shit turns around

also if i could ever have photos of myself
turn out like these
id be a lot happier a person

you deserve much better than me

one of my favorite artists
put out a new book
& its amazing
& like usual
perfect timing

the new brand new
can only be described as stunning

im rereading klostermans
killing yourself to live

i fucked up the job i had
& am most likely going to have to find a new one
i knew it was too good to be true

im mentally fucked right now
chelseas coming to ny
this weekend
& i dont know if im ready for it

i saw lauryn yesterday
& it was fine & normal
& completely fucked
& weird
all at the same time

im biting my nails again
drinking too many black russians
& listening to
to much gaslight anthem

new york is a fucking cesspool

i cant fall asleep before 5 am
& i cant sleep past 8am

i dont miss dc
i miss the places ive never seen
states ive yet to cross
couches ive yet to sleep on

i have $19 to my name

i need away from
myself for a few days

when the good feeling dies

its weird how peoples true colors show
once youre away from them

we are all expendable

i need to be making art
im going insane

black russian
with a touch of rice milk
dont mind if i do

i want to never back go
or talk to anyone i know again

short story in the works
for my new chap book

this is growing up

i found a job in new york
in about 15 minutes
at a vegan deli/bakery/cafe
im pretty sure it cant get better than that
oh wait it does
im seeing blink 182 & taking back sunday tonite
as much as i wasnt excited about this before
im freaking the fuck out right now
new books in the works

in 2 weeks ive flown to georgia
to tell a girl ive been dating
for about a month
that i love her
gotten a job in new york
& am seeing a band
who has been one of my favorites
for the past 10 years
& has been the start of many friendships
yea its been interesting

this scam will save us all

im in my new place
in brooklyn
melissa comes tonite

i miss savannah
not only because of chelsea
but i just miss the air
& the feeling
& the emotional calm i get
in any type of beach environment

i saw chris & sara yesterday
& while i always knew
they were two of my favorite people
its true
that you never really know what you have
til its gone

i met up with a couple people
doing the same program as me
last nite
it wasnt awkward
or good
or anything really
it just kind of was

this week will hopefully
have me
finding a job
& finishing a new book

im biking to coney island
in about 15 minutes
10 miles each way
should be interesting

i found this
& this today
it seems art lately just upsets me
because i feel ill never do anything
worth viewing

no sleep til georgia

very rarely in life
do you get a glimpse of the future
like i had this past week

new art in the works

i move into my apartment tomorrow
finally

im planning on stiff drinks
& endless records
to keep me company
til melissa moves in
sometime next week

flying 700 miles
on 12 hours notice
to see someone you care about
is quite possibly
the greatest feeling in the world