crimes

my life is in 4 boxes
sitting in the corner of my room right now
brand new is on repeat
while someone i care about
more than most things in life
is asleep next to me
& im realizing drinking alone
probably wasnt the best idea of the nite

i just had a flash back of a sunrise
on rehoboth beach
& the breakfast that followed

my place in brooklyn fell thru
again
so im dropping my shit
at melissas familys house in jersey
& just couch surfing thru new york
for the next couple weeks

my minds a tornadoe right now
i dont know how to feel
or what to think

a public speech on a public bus

i had an anxiety attack this evening
i move to brooklyn in 3 days
i have barely anything packed
i started something i cant finish
i have a migraine worse than ive had in a while
i had one to many screwdrivers
the other evening
& got in an argument
with someone i really care about
im fucking sick of working 9-5
& dealing with inconsiderate people

my minds exactly
how i would expect it to be
right now

flesh & blood

yesterday is what life is all about
marin (my german friend)
chris sara chelsea & myself
went to brunch
& did random errands
but because of the company
it was one of the best times
ive had in a while
& today sara moved to gtown u
to be an ra
& before shes done
im moving to brooklyn
& then marin goes back to germany
& its all over just like that

im cleaning out
& getting rid of 90%
of my books & cds
& if you know me
then you know
im having a terrible time

give em hell

the books on hold for the time being
i was making it
for the fact that
i was stuck in a continuous stumble
of sorts
but ive recently
fallen into something good
however i am moving to brooklyn
in 2 weeks
so we will see what happens

its amazing how certain situations
can change your understanding of things
less than jakes "hopeless case"
always seemed like a miserable
confession of fucking up
an open ended letter
stating all the reasons
its hard to wake up in the morning
but i realized the other day
its a letter to someone
who makes you feel worthy of living
no matter how bad you fuck up
or hate yourself
theyre there to help you
& love you
music is amazing sometimes

to remember or to forget

the show today was amazing
only 3 people showed up
& one of them was a kid from germany
doing an internship in dc
he will most likely be living with me
the next couple weeks
all the bands were amazing
& it was one of those
beautiful punk rock moments
we didnt have a pa
but everyone was screaming
& sweating
& sun pouring in thru the front windows
my ears are still ringing
all of them
were completely awesome guys
some of the nicest people ive ever met
& theyre now crowded
9 across
on my living room floor

i got to share a drink
with one of my oldest friends tonite
& it was awesome
& strangely fitting
& weve both come from the same background
& realized we dont need to be like others
we can do what we want
& still be us
& it was all a strangely beautiful day

my beds still prepared for two
i hope the citys treating you well

a road that never ends

ive been sharing a bed
the past few nites
& its been surprisingly nice

the books moving slower
but im getting there
its harder than you think
summing up 7 years
into 30 or so pages

pops is coming into town
tomorrow nite for dinner
& justins band will be here sunday
chris & sara are in california
til tuesday
the big blue house is empty again

hit or miss

going swimming
in the ocean
at 430 am
with some of your best friends
is one of the best things in the world

the books in the design stages
hopefully by this weekend
it will be done

im ready to be in ny
i have 4 weeks left in dc
im not trying to start anything
i cant finish
not that thats ever stopped me before

release the dogs

i found this today
& it further proves my theory
that kevin spacey can do no wrong

sara decided she was going home to ny
for a couple days
which leaves me alone in the big blue house
its equal parts awesome
& lonely

the writing of the book
has me pretty fucked up
mentally
im basically trying to condense
7 years of failed relationships
& its mildly overwhelming

possibly va beach this weekend
which would be nice

ill be sorry tomorrow

so i had one too many screwdrivers
& tried to kiss a girl
ive liked for almost two years
biked home alone
& punched two holes in the wall
& woke up with
<3 ass
on my arm
you win some
you lose some

im in a limbo state rite now
i need something
anything
to fight
to fuck
to scream
to cry
to love
to destory
to break
to create

i cant face the world anymore

im leaving dc august 1
while i know im going to miss
the big blue house
i cant fucking wait
to get the hell out

i cant say i blame you but i wish that i could

so i had one too many screwdrivers
made an ass out of myself
in front of a girl i really care about
forgot about a pint of vegan ice cream in my bag
& woke up to
what do you do when you cant stand yourself anymore
scribbled on my arm with sharpie
you win some
you lose some

a new book is in full swing
i have eight hours tomorrow
that i just plan on collecting
& scanning
& i hopefully will have it done
by the end of next weekend

taking back sunday "tell all your friends"

neverlasting

went to lancaster this past weekend
it had its highs & lows like usual
people have changed
including myself
theres no denying that time kills friendships
its just no one wants to admit it
not even a miserable bastard like myself

if you read this site you know my love of braid
bob nanna of braid has new band
& its amazing
the female vocals are such an amazing addition

the camp at corcoran that ive been organizing
for the past few weeks
started today
& it all went really well
we will see how the next 6 weeks go over

if all goes according to plan
im going to be spending
august thru january
in new york city
& ive decided to deal
almost exclusively with video

i dont know why
but im still amazed
at the way some people act
saw someone yesterday
& she said we still on for tomorrow
i said of course
i called & texted her today
no reply

alkaline trio "alkaline trio"
braid "movie music vol. 1"
gaslight anthem "sink or swim"
all on constant repeat

i lied my face off

play this album
24 hours a day
for 4 days
& then come talk to me
until then
leave me the fuck alone

name them after movie stars

recently watched
diner
& kiss kiss bang bang
both are added to my top 10 list

i want to be 20 in 1955
is that too much to ask?

i found this video at work today
& watched it at least 5 or 6 times in a row
also this video is slow at first
but the shot at 3:14 is absolutely amazing

i really want to start focusing on video
i love photography
but i want it to be an accessory in life
i dont want it to be my life

chris went to leesburg
sara was supposed to be home today
but is still in albany
aris went home with her boyfriend
mikey went home for a wedding
& everyone else is 21
ive had a lonely nite
& i have a meeting at 9 am
welcome to summer?

& lastly
it makes me sad
that shit like this
actually exists

barred for life

im going to apoligize for what follows
ive had a lot on my mind recently
& this is the dump for it
so the following will be haphazard
& long winded

i found this song the other day
fucking amazing
i lose my breathe a little
at 6:40 every time

with every blink182 video
that surfaces
i become less & less excited
about their reunion
tom still cant sing
& they just dont look like
theyre enjoying themselves

a thunderstorm everyday this week
has been pretty fucking solid

i was supposed to have
vegan meatloaf
& roasted asparagus
with a girlie tonite
but she never called
(story of my life)
so instead
i cooked for chris & tim
& watched control

with getting out of work
at 1 everyday
& not working nites & weekends
ive been cooking a lot more
& have really enjoyed it
& decided in the future
id really like to open
a vegan restaurant

ive been biking to georgetown everyday
between that
running
& other chores on the bike
im beat by the end of the nite
ive also cut all soda & coffee
from my diet

saras out of town til sunday
& chris may be leaving friday
which leaves a boring
next few days

saw the movie
wendy & lucy
the other nite
it was good
it made me really want to do a movie

once school starts again
im going to try
& really focus on
installations
& videos

the books coming together in pieces
just a lot of scraps of paper
& ideas at this point

i need out of dc soon
but i need a paycheck first

braid "frame & canvas"
modern life is war "witness"

what the fuck have you done

i want a girl thats like a taking back sunday song
or one like a nofx song
i want a relationship thats like a saves the day song
rancid or gaslight anthem work too
but i just keep finding myself in give up the ghost songs
with blood brothers girls

a weekend of highs & lows
add another name to each list
& wake up tomorrow
& keep moving forward

a book is seriously in the works
i havent felt this much need for ventilation
since february of senior year
& thats when shit collapsed
& i made a work im still proud of
which is rare for me

im extremely restless
i thought i had it worked out
a semi routine
that offered a regular smile

when you feel safest
is when you are most vulnerable

same story
different girl

my life my war

there is no greater feeling
than a good run
in a downpour

i stumbled into a semi strangers bed
& woke up infatuated

fuck complications

headached heads

i was talking with a friend the other nite
& she asked me what my ultimate career was
& i said i just wanted to wander
& i never wanted a true career
& she told me all sorts of noble careers
she is hoping to obtain
& then she said she wishes
she had the guts to not have plans or goals like me
& i said its its only cuz
i dont have the guts
to put in the commitment it takes to have a career

chris walker moved out of the big blue house
so im living in his room for the summer
a bed my desk & a stereo
thats all i need

people complain of shit
being confusing & complicated
but its only that way because you make it
& you thrive off of it
just keep life simple
go where you wanna go
do what you want
& kiss who you please
lifes to short for petty bullshit

big stuff on the horizon
a musical/ poetry/ photography release
between a fellow artist & myself
a book of collected works thus far in my life
& a hopefully a release or two from a couple bands

give up the ghost on repeat

pictures apoligies

this bed has simply become
a milemarker
keeping tabs on the number of times
i fail
a record of the people im not with
& the places im not seeing

wastin time

theres not much better
than 3 days at the beach with your dad
then driving home
blasting green day & blink 182
with a cute girl waiting for your arrival