my fever is gone & so are you

friday march 27
the number 12 looks like you
south hackensack new jersey

saturday march 28
gaslight anthem
troc philly

sunday march 29
converge
unitarian church philly

quite possibly the best weekend of my life

not if but when

new book
ten photos
ten poems
each photo/poem
based on a past
failed relationship
friend &/or lover
print edition of ten
full color
hand sewn
just another step
in digging yourself out
of a self dug grave

i need to feel you near me

i just want to live by myself
in some little midwest town
in a studio apartment
my mattress on the floor
record player in the corner
& bookshelves against the wall
& i want to be a waiter
& live a quiet life
& not no anyone
or form any connections

who are you kidding

i cant relate to a middle class white girl
who likes the same shit as me
& is going to college also

let alone a girl born in ethiopia
living in america
working for a living
to pay for food & shelter

i saw my future this past week
i worked everyday 11am to 11 pm
came home
passed out
& went back to work the next morning
it wasnt so bad

do we go on alone?

its one of those nites
when you say fuck it
& just give up

im down for whatever

i realized recently
how much music completely effects my life

im still caught up over a girl
(who wants nothing to do with me)
because we spent a nite
lying on her living room floor
playing scrabble
listening to smiths vinyl
& pop punk music
that normally gets us laughed at

i have a mix i made
march of last year
that i still listen to frequently
& i remember the girl i made it for
& the girl i made it because of it
& the endless nites i spent running
in dc/ pa/ & virginia beach
listening to it

& ive come to terms
in the past couple weeks
that i really hurt someone
& i saw the person tonite
& its the same awkward situation
ive been in a million times
except on the otherside
& i didnt know what to do or say
so i biked home
& laid in bed & listened
to the get up kids
& while this doesnt make the situation
any different
it brings a certain level of personal contentness

a boy trapped in the body of a man

restless
unmotivated
confused
hypocritical
repressed
rude
pissed
static

ive been back three days
& im done
i was excited to be back in dc
that feelings gone
i need to wake to snow storms in rochester
seagulls in brooklyn
a different sleeping situation every nite
i need to meet someone new
i was talked into having dinner tonite
with someone i dont really want to see again

i buzzed my head
hoping the change would bring
some level of comfort
fail

fuck dc during inauguration
half the cities
closed down or blocked off
& cops are douche bags

paranoid about a fuck me dress

im back in dc
while the trip was amazing
its good to be back
but i have a feeling
this state of contention
wont last long

the florida trips off
the funds arent there
on my or my fathers side

im working on changing
i dont like a lot about myself
& i have the power to change
so im going to

i traveled almost two thousand miles
in two weeks
hopefully spring break will see just as many miles

they call holidays an option for good reason

sometimes things take a little a while
tonite was meant to happen
& it made this fairly shitty week
completely ok & worthwhile

life is a movie sometimes

im in dc tomorrow
nyc sunday
& canada there after

ive never been one for new years
my own personal new years
is usually around april 10

but a few albums have really been there for me this year
so i thought id make a list
1) the gaslight anthem "the 59 sound"
2) polar bear club "sometimes things just disappear"
3) dillinger four "civil war"
4) la grecia "on parallels"

ive had a year of ups & downs
but if tonites any indicator of the future
2009 should be pretty amazing

my fists in the air

telling someone who thinks they can do no wrong
exactly what theyve done wrong
is just a waste of your own breath & time
all you can do
is learn from them
& make sure you dont follow in their footsteps

ive never been one to just sit back
& let shit happen
ive made a life of calling people out
on their shit
but this time
im biting my tongue
& i can only assume
ill be tasting blood

keeping the peace
in a war torn state

ive never been
& never will be
who you need
or want me to be

ive watched the 2nd season
of how i met your mother
& am about half way done with season 3

i am not anything

its a weird feeling that comes over me
when the big blue house is empty
my bed is in the front bay window
when i lay down
the rest of the house is before me
& it feels like an infinite calm

lancaster tomorrow
im going into it with the best intentions

my music purchases have been a bit ridiculous

im ready to be traveling
this time next week
ill be in monroe new york with sara
& soon after niagra falls
& possibly toronto
its a pretty open ended trip
which is the only way i can imagine it being

im going to try & sleep some tonite
im taking the train tomorrow
& i always have mild anxiety with trains
planes buses cars are all fine
but i fucking hate trains

silence is hard to find

shorebirds "its gonna get ugly" owns

random adventures with best friends
in other peoples cars
is the best way to spend an afternoon

i need snow
& i need it now

the roommates will all be gone
by tomorrow when i wake up
& i cant decide
if im happy or sad

i cant wait for break
adventures with sara
& a roadtrip with my dad
& 4 days in lancaster
sounds like an awesome fucking time

too much caffeine in the blood stream

the semesters over
its nice but also weird
i was continuously moving for 3 weeks
& now suddenly it all comes to a dead halt

my photo final went over well
everyone liked it
i still dont

lancaster
this time next week
should be interesting
considering i wont have a car

i cant wait to be traveling

im saving this seat for you

i went to a formal last nite
having no previous knowledge of what a formal was
i agreed then realized what i had gotten myself into
i never went to a dance in high school
so i felt like this would be a learning experience
& i learned i didnt miss out on anything by not going

also when my "date" answered her door
she looked me up & down
& said
you look like the fucking unabomber
thats how i do formal i guess

it took me a while to get into the new dillinger four
but now that i am
its all i can listen to

fiddling while rome burns

im an asshole because i care
when a girl im attracted to
shows any possibility
of even coming close to reciprocating
any interest
i become an asshole
& make rude & mean comments
its my defense mechanism
to save me or her
ive yet to figure out

over winter break im going to niagra falls & florida

im trying to do a lot
& change alot

the book will hopefully be a fairly intense project
concepts
titles
inspirations
everything slowly coming together

currently listening
less than jake "in with the out crowd"

picking poisons & talking shit

i fucked up again
kind of ironic
that i realize this
while in the process
of completing a series
based on my ability
to continually destroy
any sort of relationship im in

listening:
the number twelve looks like you "mongrel"
circle takes the square "as the roots undo"
planes mistaken for stars "up in them guts"

everyones back in the house
& its really weird
i really enjoyed having the house to myself

freaks & geeks is done
it made me really nostalgic for high school
which if you know me
is a rare thing
but it laid the groundwork for some inspiration
so ill see where it takes me

lots of thinking happened over the past few days
& im really going to start trying to make some changes

you told me once i made you smile

but we both know damn well i didnt

this has been one of the best breaks ive ever had

motivational talks that last til 5 am
& commence at 7 am
are really fucking tiring
but well worth every word & minute

im half way thru watching the entire series of freaks & geeks
& it wrecks my life

my music purchases are still way out of hand

im scheming & dreaming

im looking to go to new england sometime soon
& im trying for la over spring break

currently playing
modern life is war "midnight in america"
hop along, queen ansleis "freshman year"
murder by death "who will survive & what will be left of them

im at that point in my life again
where im reading ridiculous amounts
of rollins & bukowski

a house is not a home

the big blue house is empty tonite
& will be til saturday or sunday
everyone went home for thanksgiving

im looking to do a new book soon
im slowly gathering inspirations
poetry/ essays/ photos/ design
hopefully a delicate combination of all of the above

its going to be nice to not see the same people
for a few days

ive been thinking a lot about next year recently
trying to figure out what im going to be doing
ive got a few ideas
but i think im going to keep them to myself

you cant let false hopes & meaning less notes get you down